so I guess this is my own first personal entry here. sharing personal stories has never really been my thing but I ll give it a try.
I grew up in a what most people would probably call ‘golden cage’.
daddy a big-company manager, mummy a doctor. broom-stick-up-their-asses-rich-people.
From early age on I was their marionette; had to learn how to play the piano so they could show off with me at their business dinners; made me take ballett lessons; the list is as long as time and filled with various stereotypes it s not even funny. Whenever I did not obey I was either beaten or told how worthless I was and that I would end up with a shitty job; ie the typical looser. my mother has always tried to watch over every footstep, freaks out when she can not controll what s going on in life, is completely OCD and obsessed with my body. when I was 16 she bullied me into an eating disorder that I ve been struggling w/ ever since.
Since I remember I ve been trying to break out of her regime. Being born an artistic soul I was never understood by any family member. The music I make was never understood as well as the art, poetry and paintings I make. Tattoos seen as a self destructive act rather than body modification and so on. I think their way of treating me and the fact that I can’t handle friend/relation-ships made me loose all my self confidence as well as inner strenght so I by the age of 17 I just gave up. First I had this weird hope that things would get better. Like I could change my mother and what not. (which of course did not work out since change has to come from w/in)
The following years things got worse. After a few failed suicide as well as running away from home attempts I got to the point to transfer all my anger into the music I made and things got slightly better. Short term sollution for a long term problem it seemed. Drugs and alcohol also seemed to help a lot(and still do) but I know they won t change a thing.
When I turned 18 University was also forced onto me like Maths is something I would be interested in.
Now some of you might wonder ‘why the hell did you never tell yr mum or anyone’. Answer is: ‘fuck yeah, I did’. She did not care and ‘friends’ either didn’t neither or did not understand.
I know some of them realized what was going on inside of me but did not understand it.
Things got worse inside of me. First it was desperation. Sadness which recently developed to a constant feeling of paralysation; being unable to feel anything at all. I don t care whether I am dead or alive anymore.
Both does not make sense and neither do the things I do. <
I thought traveling yould help- and it did. met a bunch of dirty kids and joined their traveling band of train hoppers and hitch hikers. That was the best time in my entire life. Hitting the road w/out a goal. no obligations, no strings. not even a backpack, phone, internet. only a small notebook. a needle, india ink and some spare strings for my banjo.
things were wonderfully surreal and I felt alive the first time in my life
to make a long story short: my friends are now back in the States and I had to quit traveling due to my grandmother needing my help. Turned out she has been seriously ill for ages but never told anybody;even refusing to take her pills and what not. living in complete denial. I m the only person in my family that isn t working so I had to return and take care of her discovering that I don t seem to fit into anything anymore. All the people back here either admire me for what I ve been doing the past year or look down at me pointing fingers.
The sadest part of the story is that I finally found one person that loved me for what I was. Knew my scars and weird shit I ve been through. And he loved it. I knew that he was not faking it since he was the same. But him being a traveler as well makes it difficult to stay in contact (and I know that that s just life).
Summarizing my dilemma is not the easiest task I ve been given these days but as long as I m stuck at a place inside my body I don t know what to do anymore.(drinking 4 bottles of wine and gin does not count)