So they blocked this website at work. I’m not sure if they saw that i was visiting it an inordinate amount daily or it’s a coincidence. I can’t really look at it as often as I’d like.
I stayed home today. but I called in sick, showered and ate so I think i’m doing pretty good. I’m not letting things fall apart but I don’t know how I’m gonna make it tomorrow.
I feel stupid. I’m a bit ashamed of my sadness but at the same time I want to be out about being sad and sometimes suicidal. I hate the stigma. the fact that I’ve used this screen name has made me pretty trackable. oh well, no one is looking for me anyway.
3 comments
What is the sadness about? I read a few of your other posts and I get the impression you are uncomfortable in your own skin. And I also get that you feel “stupid” or out of place. They kind of go hand in hand.
The thread seems to be the lack of self-acceptance. Like there is some expectation you have that you of yourself that seems unattainable. Maybe I’m off track bit whenever I feel that way, which is most of the time I find that I am sabotaging myself by setting the bar too high. I just lost my job of over ten years because instead of accepting my disabilities and working with them, asking for accommodations and standing my ground I let my performance slip and when a new company boss stepped in they blew me off. I didn’t take myself seriously so no one else did either.
I sense some measure of confusion in what you wrote. It might be good for you to think about what you really want – even dare to focus on what you want to do and what you love more than anything. And if that doesn’t fit with what you are doing now then consider making a change.
Above all, try and accept who you are. We are the person that we sometimes have the most difficulty getting along with and that sets the stage for all of our other relationships. Love yourself first – the rest will begin to fall into place.
– peace
Well said, however, it’s hard to love yourself when you’ve met only people that want to trash you. Eventually you, or rather me, believe that I’m worthless cuz that’s how I’m treated. Didn’t treat them that way. I once thought I was worth it, now I don’t. 53 years of abuse will finally ingrain in you that you’re not worth anything. I can’t get people to even afford me basic human rights for fucks sake.
I met a guy who fancied himself as a champion of human rights…no one in my entire life has taken more rights away than he. Clearly he’s a bullshit artist.