So, if you’ve been following me at all…I’m out of the hospital and living alone in my apartment. People are still in denial that anything ever happened. Tonight is the first night that i’m not under watchful eye. So guess what I decided to do? I decided to go out and about and enjoy the cool night air. I drove to my campus and parked as normal. As I was backing out of my parking space after I had enough night air and a people dart out behind me. I hit my brakes and another car comes flying past me, so I shove it in forward and hit the pedal. I’d forgotten I had moved the steering wheel and left some good scratches on the car next to me. Fuck.
Now, instead of a relaxing first night, I find myself revisiting my thoughts that landed me in the hospital to begin with. I can’t kill myself correctly. I can’t even let myself get into an accident to kill me. If I were religious, I would literally think that God was fucking with me like a cat plays with a ball of yarn. Didn’t anyone ever tell God to not play with his food? Seriously, can I just fucking die and get it all over with? I literally cannot deal with anything anymore and I need out. I cannot be here anymore. I just want to run and run and never turn back. I am screaming and kicking my way out of life but someone just keeps pulling me back. I am playing a sick game of red rover and I cannot win.
2 comments
The best advice i can give you is, don’t be alone if you can avoid it.
If you have someone who cares about you, without asking for something in return, a true friend, be with that person.
I know from experience that if you stay alone too long, you’ll end up hurting yourself repeatedly.
I’m sorry things are so untenable for you. I have often raised my fist to the sky and cursed the god that is touted as so “loving”, so “just” and so “merciful”. It is truly horrible to feel so alone and to always get kicked in the teeth when you are down.
I sense you may be searching for a new beginning; I truly hope you can find what you need to make that happen.
– peace