I’m failing school.
The past few days have been really, really bad. Whenever I study I feel this sense of hopelessness and I am unable to bring myself to believe that I CAN, that if I work hard enough, I CAN get an A…
I tried to stop binging and purging. Well I stopped purging but I couldn’t stop binging. That sucked because I got fatter. I guess you have to get worse before you get better? Maybe I don’t have enough patience in myself. But it really got me down. Because I feel like there’s nothing I’m good at anymore. Not music, I don’t believe I can get back to that level again and that hurts. Not philosophy, my writing sucks so much after getting external feedback/evaluation and I can’t help feeling it’s a waste of time, considering I have to study. I’m not nice either. I’m too selfish, too proud, too assertive, too self-absorbed/involved, too socially awkward, too emotional, too UNemotional (can’t RELATE to people emotionally), too ugly (pimply face that I caused by my own bad habits of picking and picking until I draw blood), too fat, too negative, too insecure, too unmotivated. Tired all the time, not getting enough sleep, not making full use of my time and my endowment of resources. It’s not a joke when I say that I want to die because I really don’t deserve much place here especially if I’m so depressed I can’t function.
And I didn’t manage to cut out procrastination and enjoying myself. It’s the hopeless I feel everytime I study that really makes me want to escape. It’s feeling as though something is impossible, but wanting badly enough doesn’t help. Brute strength doesn’t help. Sheer aggression and perseverance and “seeing it through till the end” doesn’t help. Because there’s not enough TIME……
I just want to get out of this negative cycle. I want to be motivated again, I want to feel in control again. I want to be happy again. But nothing I try ever works and I’ve run out of options and this is truly, truly rock bottom. I’m ruined.
2 comments
I can relate to how you feel, and I can tell you a couple things right now.
Whether you get As in school, despite what people tell you, really DOES NOT matter that much.
I DID get A’s in school and did very well. I went to an world-famous university. And you know what, the job I do now has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING I learned in school.
Absolutely nothing.
Even the job I got after university was related to my hobby, not related to what I studied. Therefore, I enjoyed it.
The job I have now is my dream job. I run my own business. It’s hard as hell and the work sucks, but It’s what I want to do and I can make a living.
My grades in school didn’t matter at all. It’s not the school you go to even what you learn there (most of which you’ll forget instantly anyway), but it’s what you decide to do with yourself that matters.
I had a mess ofa pimply face in high school and I picked at it relenlessly. I went to the dermatologist and got special cream which didn’t work.
The pimples went away when I went to college. My skin is smooth now and I only get 1 or 2 pimples when I feel stressed.
Ask yourself this: What do you WANT to do? Give yourself a dream…something to shoot for. Then chase it. And keep chasing it until you get it.
And if you can’t achieve that dream, replace it with a different one.
I gave myself two huge goals in my life and I’ve achieved both of them. Both of which, when I decided to do them, I thought were impossible.
But now I live as who I am meant to be and I live in a country that accepts me for me.
Yeah, it was hard work and a lot of it sucked. Some things still suck.
But I still have two more dreams and I’m getting close to reaching them. I’ll keep working until I get there.
Of course I’ve had dreams that didn’t pan out…and it sucks. But a lot of them did.
Studying sucks, but only if you don’t like the subject you are studying. Find something you WANT to study…then study that. Then become a master at it. Turn it into a business and make money.
I like studying science and language, but my schools never offered the language I wanted. So I studied at home during christmas and spring break. I studied 4 hours every morning before work and 1 hour durng lunch time. Every day.
It was fun because I decided to it…I wasn’t made to do it by my teachers.
So find something which fascinates you…something you want to learn. Read about it online. Go to the bookstore and start studying what is interesting for you. Get into a college that has classes for that.
Turning your hobby or passion into your work is the best thing you can do.
I can totally relate to this one, except that I’m probably twice your age….which means that I’ve tried longer. Just keep trying. This world loves youth. You have many opportunities, and plenty of time to find out what makes you hum. The exploration can be fun. …And all those negative qualities of yours that you list: you do realize that you have control over those, right?