i need rest

I am so tired. My method so easy. It’s just so unfair how easy, painless, and certain it will be.

I keep coming to the same two doorways. Both lead me here.

Behind one is that I am right and I am in fact good for nothing but working day in and day out. That I’m worth no more than what could be traded for money and in the long run, a comfortable place to enjoy loneliness in a body with genes that nobody would prefer to pass onto their least favorite kind of mushrooms.

Behind the second is that I am wrong and in fact crazy. That I will continue to follow behind me and ruin what chances I have left at happiness because I fall into an impossible chicken/egg scenario. That I actually have something that someone, somewhere would want but I can’t possibly keep up pretend happiness long enough to come out of this dark place where they can find me.

Or I suppose there is the worse case, that my brain actually doesn’t want to be happy. So then why fight it and curse the next generation?

In any case… I just can’t find a scenario that warrants me feeling this way any longer. I really am trying and have been trying for years? When is enough enough? When is it acceptable to throw in the towel and REST! I am TIRED! So tired I can’t sleep.

I’ve been used and abused, assaulted and raped, hated and hurt, cheated on and bullied, alone and alone and alone and alone. But haven’t we all? I can’t exactly complain. I’m positive that I’ve been through even less than most… and I still can’t cope. I’ve read a ton of your stories and I wish I could take all of that pain with me. Kudos to those who survive this, and those who understand this.