Life is Hell. I was raised Christian, and actually believe there is an entity out there who created all, yet I struggle to come to any other conclusion.
What’s the saying? “Life sucks, and then you die.” No, life sucks, and then your dog dies, you accrue a mountain of debt, struggle to improve your career, lose your job, spouse leaves you for someone more ‘interesting,’ get cancer, accrue more debt, break a hip, suffer the hate from people for being “old,” then you, at long last, die and remain at peace for all eternity.
To add insult to the injury of this hellish life, we are programmed to be afraid to just take our own life and skip all the bullshit. Everything boils down to FEAR. Fear of being insecure financially, fear of being insecure socially, fear of possible injury, fear of PAIN, fear of DEATH, fear of [enter here]. Hell, we are afraid of living in fear! Hah, that actually makes me chuckle a bit. But it’s true.
We’re living off of a series of ‘high’ moments and fear. That is our fuel. Otherwise, what is there to really live for? What the fuck is the point? No one can provide a good answer for this.
I feel like we are all in the matrix, and it’s just one big joke of a game to whoever’s watching. But let’s just all keep giving it the ol’ CAN-DO attitude, keep our chins up, and
pretend
nothing
is
wrong
4 comments
Sopposably what keeps us alive and wanting to live is happyness and hope that we’ll keep getting it.
What is happiness, though? The next big thing, that concert we’ve been waiting for? The next big blockbuster movie made based on our favorite book? That promotion we’ve been working toward? “””love?””” or whatever idea we have that love is? Finally ‘getting my life together’ ?
Happiness is just a high, that fades, and we seek another. Well, what happens when that high no longer affects us the way it used to?
“High moments and fear” – true. Only I think it becomes more like “nothing” moments and fear. Lately, the only thing that keeps me alive is the fear of fucking up my suicide and ending up in more pain than I am now, both physically and emotionally. With my luck, I’d shove a gun in my mouth and blow my jaw off ending up uglier than I am now and eating through a straw for the rest of my life.
Nothing moments and fear is probably the natural evolution of my ‘high moments and fear.’ I’m already feeling pretty jaded towards most things that used to give me a ‘high.’ Slowly my ratio of ‘feel-good-high’ periods to fear is getting more and more out of balance. When I think about my suicide, I am afraid of not only fucking it up and having to live with it, but also the pain of it, and the emotional trauma I would inflict on those few who care about me. That’s just where I’m at right now, I guess.