Naive, selfish self-pity

I’m new to this site because I’ve not really had reason to seek it out until recently. I’ve lurked quietly and read peoples’ stories because I found a sense of catharsis from witnessing and understanding that I’m not the only person who can feel this low. I think my story won’t be popular or creative and some may even scoff at me and think I’m a spoilt brat, but it’s my story and my life and it feels very real to me.

I’m a 21 year-old male, I grew up in a fairly privileged household where my parents provided materially but were never emotionally there. They’re both very career minded and I never held a proper conversation of depth with either of them until I turned 18 and suffered a bout of depression following a combination of exam/work stress, loneliness and an period of illness (meningitis).

I’ve been happy for much of my life, but at several junctures ranging from early teenage years to now, I’ve felt catastrophically alone in the world. I’ve spoken and had relationships with lots of people and had some superficial friendships and love interests that never meant a whole deal to me. Anyway, I’ll primarily stick to the matter at hand I just supposed a slight amount of context might help you get to know me.

2 Years ago roughly I met someone who seemed entirely the same, just another girl who crossed paths with me and slowly became my girlfriend. I wasn’t good to her, as I hadn’t been to anyone before, I didn’t understand how to be in a successful relationship, I had a very real contempt for other people and they had all felt estranged to me in the past, even those I had previously held relationships with.

But she was different, I can’t define it without sounding corny and naive and completely idiotic but she’s without a doubt in my mind the love of my life. Over the course of two years I’ve never stopped falling further in love with this person, before I knew her I don’t think I’d ever felt real, pure, ecstatic levels of joy or love or happiness or attachment, and now she’s introduced me to it I can’t go back. It’s like being on a constant comedown, a complete voiding ache inside me that I can’t fill with time or any other bullshit cliché remedy. I know people are immediately going to tell me I’m young still and it wont matter when I’m forty and whatever else, but it will. I can’t adequately convey how it feels, it’s like I spent my entire life, two decades, in a bubble and one day someone actually perforated it and got through to me on a level I didn’t even know I could experience, and now I can’t not have that now I’ve felt how good life can actually be.

After 2 years she’d grown tired of my faults and immaturities and inability to change them, and broke it off with me. I’d made mistakes and I can’t blame her because ultimately she’s right; it was me who couldn’t be good enough.

So this is where I stand now. I have nothing that matters to me, everything in my life was built around her as a crutch and without her nothing is consequential. I’m scared and in very real physical and emotional pain. I’m not sleeping or eating right and haven’t been for a while. I don’t self harm although I did when I was younger, but for personal reasons no longer see it as an option.

I’m at a loss as to what to do with myself most of the time. My housemates support me and keep me company and do what they can but as I say, only one person has ever meant anything to me, I’m back in my bubble and I’ve no reason to expect to ever get out, except now it’s worse because I can still remember the feeling of those 2 years out of 21 where I felt happiness I thought didn’t really exist in the real world.

If you made it this far through my semi-unintelligbile rant of selfishness then thank you. I realise how useless I am and how this is all my fault and so it’s fair to say I am selfish and stupid and probably deserve this fate.