This is a question for people who tried committing suicide, but whose attempt failed.
I’ve heard that when people try jumping to their deaths, they “immediately regret the decision as soon as they are in the air.”
If you’ve tried this method, did you feel “Oh my gosh, I shouldn’t have done this?” Or “I’m so glad I’m doing this.”?
Do people “immediately regret their decision”, when they try other methods, such as cutting, hanging, or taking pills or poison?
If you’ve tried committing suicide, I’m just curious to know what was going through your mind when you had already begun the attempt.
Was it like “Oh no, I’ve made a terrible mistake” or more like “I’m so happy this is the end.”
17 comments
I have tried to kill myself many times. For me it is always ‘I am glad I have made the right decision and this is the end’ thought. But after that I think ‘no what am i doing? This will be painful’ then I stop. I hate myself because I can’t have the balls to commit suicide
Having pushed past the psychological barrier with suicide I can actually answer this question…bit I’m off ta bed so I’ll respond tomorrow.
For me, both times was just a sense of deep relief that things were finally going to be over and a wave of sadness as I thoughts of what I was losing rushed through my mind. The relief and acceptance that flooded my mind after I already committed the act outweighed everything though… but I didn’t stay conscious long after my actions either time so maybe if I had stayed conscious longer, my thoughts would be different, not sure.
All you want is for it to end. The actual act itself is not what you regret, it is all the things you have never done and never will do that hurts. Despite this I still wanted things to end, the sheer hopelessness makes you feel like your heart will crush itself. It is an immense feeling of relief when you actually go through with it, of course I failed but my attempted hanging stopped me from hurting myself for nearly a year. I was proud that I had the courage to take that ‘final’ step.
By far the most painful and terrifying step is falling into the abyss and realizing that you really will try to kill yourself. Afterwards everything feels like an afterglow, as if you are merely following the steps you laid out. The best part is the feeling of closure and acceptance of your fate.
Being alive now, I really wish I hadn’t failed but I am terrified of falling into that state again and I can already feel my mind falling back into that place. I don’t think I will fail the next time.
I already replied to this thread, but I can’t help but relate to what you said. I definitely agree that the most painful thing by far is imagining all the things that will never be. I also can’t help but relate to how after you go through with the act, there’s almost a pull from the abyss that keeps pushing you back even though you survived.
Scary eh?….
Anyway, I know it’s a bit unrelated, but I just couldn’t help but feel like that your reply was so well written, I couldn’t help but comment ;D
Unlike other people, I never felt like I “survived” my attempt, only failed. I didn’t feel the ‘spark for life renewed’ cliche that I have read so much about but I definitely felt shaken.
There is only so long until you your mind begins to ebb back into that void.
You are right, the lure of the abyss is strong or maybe its alluring nature was only dulled for a period of time.
I think the fact that life never actually ‘improved’ meant that this was inevitable.
It’s assuring and saddening that someone else was able to relate to my words.
No fear…complete and total focus. Almost like a psychotic state of detachment. With this kind of ADHD focus…I should have been successful during one of my 8 attempts…but thank God I wasn’t. Now I am using the same focus for myself instead of against myself.
If you are feeling fear…then you don’t really want to die…you are just afraid to continue living. When you are truly suicidal…there is no fear. Suicidal ideation is one thing(and extremely painful)…but suicide is actually very un-emotional. Odd that eh?
I just thought O shit, I’m gonna die, this is it, but with a smile on my face
I was pretty disconnected every time. I remember sadness over missing out on my little sister’s future and anxiety over botching the jobs. The first time I remember closing my eyes putting on bjork and thinking this will be the last sound I ever hear. And I remember having a panic attack when I woke up and the cd was finished.
I wish I could give you a more profound answer. Really I just wasn’t all that aware for any of my attempts.
As promised, I thought I’d give my accounts. I’ve tried more than once. Each time I failed I felt depressed that I’d survived. Three times were very serious attempts, not a cry for help but serious this is going to be THE time I die. The last time I tried it (ended up in a coma for 3 days) I felt a fews things simultaneously. The first and foremost I felt calm and relief at the precise time I was doing the act, this was going to be it…I can kiss all the shit goodbye and sleep for an eternity…like letting go. The lead up though was interesting. Lots of thoughts running through my head but the most dominant was the way people have treated me and that drove me harder. I was feeding off it. At the same time I was thinking how different it could have been if only people had treated me like I did them, if only this happened not that, if only I had met X and not Y…but reality was different. I had a voice saying that this suicide was somehow necessary. I recalled all the times my dad said I was useless and wouldn’t amount to anything and how, bizarrely that had come true. I recalled and replayed how different things could have been if only could have happened and changed the course of my life. But that ‘if only’ really meant nothing cuz reality was what it was. I never dreamed I’d be in this position but it was REAL. So, for me, I replayed my life movie in my head but the thing that really drove me was how people had treated me and that was really driving me more than anything…it will again when I try again soon. But at the time of actually carrying out the act, I felt calm and thought well this about time…but it was still an out of body experience. Funny I didn’t really think too hard about the sadness I’d leave behind. This was about me, my life, the abuses I’ve felt for so long. Those left behind would just have to deal with it just like I’ve had to deal with the shit given to me. I still feel the same way now even as I write this. So when I try again the same thoughts and feelings will be apparent.
I guess I know what’s involved emotionally and physically for next time so I am prepared, am smarter about what to do. I think that’s part of it if you’ve tried before. The so called glamour about it, the so called spur of the moment of it has gone (it’d had gone B4 my last attempt anyway). I’ve tried 3 times really seriously so the spur of the moment stuff went long ago. Now it’s about what’s real and it makes it all a lot more potent.
I had happy thoughts. That’s how I want to leave Earth
Wow. So many of you share my thoughts and experiences on suicide attempts. I also am not a survivor but a failure in my 4 attempts. Thereis no Plan B if it should fail so having to live with the guilt and shame and burden of what I’ve caused has darkened an already pit black soul. I’ve just continued to burn the bridges around me (what few ones are left) so that everyone will be glad when I succeed my next attempt. I detach, as well, like an out of body experience. I feel relief is on its way forever.
There is no relief. There is nothingness enveloped in a wrapping of silence, devoid of any and all feeling or thought. I imagine it’s a lot like being on high doses of Thorazine.
my last attempt was purely mechanical. their were no thoughts, just action.the only thought i had was how disappointed my son was going to be in me.
Nothingness works for me. No consciousness. Zero.
As I lay dying, I was being violently sick and completely covered in my own puke, which wasn’t how I intended my body to be found. My only thought was that I didn’t want to die alone, I was scared and wished someone would hold my hand while I passed over.
People don’t just hold your hand and stroke your hair as you die though. Even if you think they understand why you feel the need to leave the earth, they don’t. They call for help, then everyone in the hospital rushes around trying to save you, which makes you feel terrible for wasting resources and a hospital bed when all you wanted to do was die.
I just didn’t want to die alone, that was my only thought.