I’ve dabbled at looking at posts on this site before. I have to say there is a lot of strength and a lot of pain by those that post. I don’t particularily know why I’m posting this, I guess I just need to tell someone with an outside opinion.
I’m a Marine veteran who has done two deployments to Afghanistan. I’ve seen some things and done things that will haunt me until I die and the people I try to reach out to never fully understand it. I’ve been out of active duty for over a year now and all I feel is regret. Regret for the people I could have saved, the lives I watched end and regret for the men and women still over there while I sit in a dead end job trying to make ends meet.
I should be happy that I made it home. I should be happy that all the marines directly under my care did as well, but I can’t. I proposed to my girfriend in January and she seems so happy planning the wedding but I feel more and more distracted and detatched. I don’t know anyone but her in this state really. The only contact I keep with my family is a weekly half-hour phone call. The men I knew in the marines are all busy with their enlistments or getting their lives on track so I never seem to talk to them either.
I can’t tell you how often I think of suicide. I wonder if I’ll even make it through the day sometimes. Who would notice or blink an eye at another veteran statistic anyway? There have been days when I’ve had a revolver in my mouth and only took it out because I needed to be at work. I hate sleep, I hate eating and feeling so god damn fat, I hate that I can’t tell my fiance any of this.
I don’t know what pushes me along, I guess it’s stubbornness or fear, but I’m still here, and I’m trying to stay here.