I gave myself a year to see if I could turn things around. I mean I’ve tried new things and experienced more, but none of that really made a difference. I’m still the same hallow shell I was before.
It’s like re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. You can move them around all you want, but the ships still going under. I haven’t gone under yet, but I can feel the chill in the air from the icy waters I’m soon to plunge into.
Life will swallow me whole as I sink into the depths of darkness. And despite the year not being over yet, I’m done kidding myself. I still wake up every day asking the same question, is today the day I have enough courage to do it.
I’ll be the captain of the Titanic, realizing his fate as he stays with the ship as he watches on as others hurry about in a frantic last effort to try and get rid of the water on board. Sure you might throw a gallon or so off, but behind you is another wave breaking over the ship. Sure if you’re famous, beautiful or wealthy you might get a seat on one of the reserve boats. But who are you kidding…
I’ve always felt my life has never been the same since my car wreck. Not to say it was great before it (being abused and all) but I had hopes, dreams and aspirations before that fateful morning. That all changed. And maybe this explains it. Maybe people just change after brain injuries. The person I use to be, died that morning on the operating table.
Here’s the article I read.
http://sciencenordic.com/head-injury-can-cause-mental-illness
3 comments
That’s pretty rotten for you AfflictedSmile. I hope things improve for you somehow. Trauma can also cause brain injury. The trauma I’ve experienced, I believe, has caused some brain injury and mental illness so I know where you’re coming from. Gosh I hope it gets better for you 🙂
even as your body turns to ice in the cold deadly waters, you have to keep swimming. the rescue boats are sometimes far away, but they are still there. keep working on rediscovering yourself, finding out who you are now versus trying to be who you were.
i really hope soon the load will lighten and life wont be so much of a burden.
keep holding on.
im here if ever you want to talk, i know where you’re coming from with the year deal. my year end this march.
Thanks Kontin and Autumn,
I’m trying to swim, but sometimes it feels as though I’m not going anywhere at all. SP is a great place to come, because I know no matter how hard things are in my life, there are others going through similar struggles. I wish I could take on everyone’s burdens here. So many good people who don’t deserve the hand they were dealt. You are very kind Autumn and I may just take you up on that offer if the rescue boats don’t get here soon. In the mean time can we pretend I’m swimming at the beach on a warm summer day, instead of cold, dark and so very alone. I wish you both the very best!