Someone

Fuck, I can’t do this anymore. Can’t get up, can’t go outside, can’t make friends, can’t lie to my family anymore. This pressure is too much, like my head was exploding. I don’t wanna die, really. There’s beauty in life but I am not destined to feel it. I need someone to give me a purpose, someone to share a lifetime with. I don’t want to get this university degree for myself, I don’t fucking need it. I could as well get a job at a local IT firm, enough to pay for a small apartment and everything I need. But that’s not the life I want to live. Why can’t I work for someone who is worth all this effort? Someone who enjoys spending time with me as much as I enjoy spending time with her. Someone to start a family with, someone to get old with and see our kids get through the same trouble we’re in now. It would be so much easier to wake up every morning if I’d see why I am doing this and easier to get through the day if I could look forward to seeing her face when I get home. If I finish this degree I’ll earn enough to provide for a family, but if I’d never have a family anyways there would be no point in continuing this struggle. Why can’t someone tell me now? God? Yes I am talking to you. Will I be forever alone? Just say it and I can stop this pointless effort. Will I find my soulmate? Ok no probs, lemme just finish university and I’m good to go. Just knowing I’ll have a family one day would make this as simple as a 4th grade math test. It could be so easy, but in fact it’s the hardest point I’ve been at in my life so far. Yes or no; roll your dice and tell me, please!