Woke up today and sobbed into my pillow. My son came to see me. He made me feel somewhat better. He should not be the one to wipe away my tears. Not these tears. Not for this reason. I hate feeling this way every day. I cried out for relief. I finally made myself go out, again. I went out to see friends. It took me several hours. I am cheating everyone I interact with and myself when I feel this way. I feel better now, but what a waste. I can’t stand to live this way. I can picture myself completing this. I have wanted to so bad the last few days. When I woke up feeling that way this morning and having the thoughts I did, it’s all I could think about.
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2 comments
It’s tough for a child to see their parent cry but I can tell you from experience that it’s not the end of the world for them by any means and even supporting a parent can be dealt with. However, losing a parent is much harder to cope with.
The fact that you can still go out with friends is a good thing and maybe if you tell them they can help you through this. The things that are pushing you to consider it are perhaps things they could help with to make you feel even a little better.
I keep going out because I know it is good for me. I’m not really me though when I’m out. I am tired and dazed. I am sad. I don’t know how to interact. Very few people are able to tolerate this, I feel bad for the people who do. I feel bad because this is what I give them. I know it bothers others too…