I know there are a few people who would miss me for a time, but in all honesty I’m not really apart of any ones life enough to warrant prolonged grief, I can imagine what it would be like for a little while people would ask where I am and someone would say “he killed himself” and they’d say “that’s so horrible he seemed so nice” and then they would change topic because they realise that they didn’t really know me, so few seem to.
Not that long ago my friend’s girlfriend was going on about what good friends we were and how she had really gotten to know me(i really hate when people claim know you and in reality they know almost nothing about you), a few weeks later she learned that i’m often depressed and think of suicide every day she just said to my friend “is this something we should be worried about?” my friend simply replied “nah” and the conversation moved on to something else, now this friend of mine may not sound that great but he is the best friend I’ve ever had, him and his family have done more for me than anyone else has and there the only people who seem to know i exist anymore, however I’ve never been able to relate to my friend on the topic of depression as I have only ever seen him vaguely upset three times in almost nine years and he seems to snap out of whatever is making him upset with in a matter of a few days or even less and as result his advice whenever i decide to mention how crap I’m feeling or suicide he just says something like “you’ll get over it” or ” you just gotta snap out of it”, we have had proper in depth conversations about suicide and he told me he can’t imagine wanting to kill himself I suspect our upbringings are where the difference lies, I had a pretty standard “broken home” upbringing my dad was barely around and when he was he would beat me and tell me how pathetic i was, when i was younger i wanted nothing more than for him to say that he was proud of me he never did of course but i kept trying to impress him until i was about sixteen and that’s when i realised just scared of him i was as he held me against the wall screaming calling me a piece of trash a worthless liar and many more I have not seen or spoken to my dad since he kicked me out that night it’s been almost five years. My mother on the other hand was a bit different she only hit me when i was little she used laugh sometimes when she did it I don’t know why but she did and it took me many years but one day I realised that I had never spoken to her sober in my entire life, she starts every day by smoking three cones and before midday starts drinking and does not stop till she goes to bed, she also used to tell me how pathetic I am and what not, still speak to her on the rare occasion but never really say much I haven’t seen her in over a year. Now I realise that my upbringing no doubt plays a huge part in my self hate and lack of self worth but so far in my adult life I just seem to be as pathetic as my dear parents foretold i’ll probably be homeless within the next few months at the rate that i’m going but i would much rather kill myself before that happens, I just give up nothing good ever seems to happen, I’ve never been in a relationship due to my lack of confidence and probably various other reasons, I don’t spend time with the few friends that I have hell I have only seen one person that I know for last two months and that’s my friends mum, I have never known anyone as pathetic as me I m so tired of waking up in the morning and realising it was just a dream just want to kill myself somewhere quite where no one will find me.
6 comments
Good Morning Reeferfool
I’m a steezing old hippie chick myself. ha
You have no coping skills…where would you have learned them? I strongly suggest some dialectical therapy. It would help you to understand yourself better if nothing else.
I know (unfortunately) how you feel and why. But I also know from my perspective of great age…and the fact that I attempted for the first of 8 attempts before the age of 4…that it is possible for you to heal and deal with your trauma…and move on to find a passion and a purpose for your life.
I am soooo sorry that you had to raise yourself in those circumstances…but just because the first part of your life has been hell on earth…doesn’t mean that the rest needs to be. Now that you have detached yourself from your trauma…YOU are responsible for how the rest goes. Please either start a healing journey of your own or get some professional help. Read, learn, grow. Get out in nature…and imo only…the weed helps if it is used properly. 😀
You did not deserve any of the horrible things that were done to you. You do not need to continue to pay for the sins of your parents…you have a choice.
Thanks Amakua It’s nice to get words of understanding… you’re probably right about the no coping skills thing, and maybe things will get better I don’t know they just never seem to though, maybe something will happen to change things maybe i’ll do something maybe someone else do something who knows I wish I did but neverless thank you for your kind words.
P.S the times on this website really mess with me I see people posts and I can never figure out when they actually posted in relation to my time (I’m in Australia by the way)
I wouldn’t say the weed helps at all, quite the opposite. Drain of energy, constant change in mood patterns. From the feeling of chilled and even slick to, fuckinell are you looking at me strange? Can they notice I’m even feeling paranoid?
See i was more confident before i smoked and after i quit weed. Not the greatest motivated due to depression now but have a bigger boost in energies.
Random urges of a sexual desire, unnoticed thinking i was just in a dirty mood. Quit the desire and after a year of not smoking bud started again briefly this year. Had a rage of lust on after a couple of weeks.
From getting an increase random of wit to space cadet gouching, an hour of thinking I’ll motivate in a minute, ahh can’t be arsed to brood it.
Seriously if you want to reflect on not leaving for better reasons, try laying off the marijuana, it’s like living like a dirtied smack head. Doesn’t take long before you don’t want to have a smoke.
Weed does help. The problem people have is smoking too much of it at a time.
I must admit i never liked spliffs, i had to have it in its purest form, in the form of a bottle (pop bottle with a bread bag). So yeah, never did it by have a little, but diluting it, having it on occasion isn’t going to stop the risk of making life worser in my opinion. It’s like taking magic mushrooms, another none man made, once a week, therapy is going to hit you eventually.
Good to see your not smoking it Reef, i still got depressed on it, mind was just too clouded to remember sometimes.
I take it that some of that was directed at me deist? I would actually pass a drug test of any kind at the moment I haven’t smoked bud in just over two months. I don’t think i’ve ever felt lust smoking weed I don’t even get the munchies like most people seem to and my depression is unrelated as far as i can tell since I was depressed long before I started smoking and I’m aware that it drains energy but i’ve never really felt that depressed while stoned felt lonely once or twice but that was it, when i was smoking I would often smoke before i went to bed helped me sleep (i have insomnia) but I would never smoke bud if i knew i had to do something especially if it involved someone else (i don’t like letting people down), yeah i know that smoking weed is not good for social stuff especially for me.
Anyway thank you for taking the time to read my post and commenting i hope you have a good day or night whatever time it is in the states, I SAID GOOD DAY!!!