Right now I’m about to do one of the things that’s going to affect me for the rest of the day and on into next week. Yard work. Sounds dumb, right?
I’m going to go out there for a couple hours to pick up the leaves and the entire time there’s going to be a nagging feeling that the neighbors are watching me out their windows and telling their spouses something like “look at wtf he’s doing. He doesn’t know wtf he’s doing, he’s doing it wrong. How the fuck could he not know how do it it? I mean it’s about time anyways because I’m sick of their leaves blowing onto our yard. But really, what an idiot. Why pick up the leaves now anyway? There’s only going to be more later. And those trees! Why do they insist on keeping them? Why do that now when the gutters have to be cleaned out? The house trim needs to be painted too. Look at his cars, they’re dirty, and I’ve never seen him change his oil. Why doesn’t he do that instead? Look at how long this takes him. The worst looking house on the block. Why doesn’t he fix it up better? Lazy guy…”
The entire time that’s going on, I’m going to be constantly telling myself that in actuality they are wrapped up in their own lives and probably don’t even notice I’m out there.
This will go on until I’m finished (sometimes I make an excuse not to finish because I can’t take it anymore), then when I get back inside I’m going to have bags under my eyes and I’ll be exhausted and it won’t be from the physical work, it’ll be from the mental battle I’ve put myself through.
This has happened since I was a kid, and it’s one of the things I’m very very tired of dealing with that I can’t seem to change.
5 comments
Nah, its no little thing. It’s not the task it is just the thoughts that come from that trigger. I completely understand. I feel that way about almost everything. Good on you for getting out there and making it happen. Be proud of yourself for accomplishing it! It is extremely tiring, and others don’t understand if they don’t experience the same thing. You are right, no one will notice you are even out there, and if they do, they will only think to themselves that there is a guy outside doing yard work. Actually, they will probably think to themselves, ‘I need to do mine before winter comes’.
I often think the same things. I’m so worried that when I go out everyone will look at me and think something negative.
Actually, where I live, I really stand out because 99% of my people in my town are not white. But I am. So when I step out I’m worried everyone will look and think “Look at the white girl trying to buy groceries / go shopping / get a bus ticket / etc…”
But actually, most people are just too busy with their own lives and their own worries to pay attention to anyone, no matter how much they stand out.
Children / babies still creep my out though because they’ll just stand there in silence STARING at me because I’m the first white person they’ve ever seen. Sometimes they’ll even turn around and run to their parents. Some scream and start crying.
But…it’s not me. It’s just they are seeing something they can’t understand. I’m finally over it. Now I just smile back and wave.
Your neighbors won’t notice you or think anything about it. If anything, they’ll be happy. And you’ll feel good about yourself for getting some fresh air and making your house look beautiful.
i love you
Thanks?
This happens even when I’m just sitting next to someone. Truly exhausting. I completely understand.