I am at this very moment, suicidal. I have no real support and have found myself here, with all of you. My husband, whom I love more than almost anything has just said to me that he has met someone online while out of town for work, and that he doesn’t want me anymore. This isn’t the first time he’s said he doesn’t want me anymore. Over the last six years, he has put me down, left me, hurt me and destroyed my being. I can honestly tell you in this moment that if I didn’t have children, I wouldn’t be here writing, I’d be gone.
My brother killed himself almost 7 years ago–I can’t tell you how many times I have finally understood why, and what his immediate reasoning was at the time. I hated him for leaving, then I felt guilt. Then, I missed him terribly. One day, when I was at my bottom as I am now, I understood perfectly why he felt he needed to go.
I want to go too. But the pain of the thought of leaving my children is worse than the pain I feel now. I just wish I could be one of those people who says, “Okay, so it didn’t work out. You tried and gave it your all, and he is the monster, not you.” I am simply not. My mind is my enemy. Right now, all I want to truly do is make the pain go away forever.
My husband doesn’t care about me, I don’t believe he loves me though he says he does. He makes me feel crazy, completely in despair, and without a doubt, suicidal. I need someone. Anyone right now to make this pain lessen.
8 comments
I know how it feels. Hang in there. I just posted before u did. My wife is ending it with me too. Message me back if u wanna chat i aint sleepping tonight
Hi and thank you. Toughest part is trying not to break down with my kids here. Its just so unfair and so profoundly saddening for me tonight. Idk what to do.
You stand tall and soldier on for your kids, and you say to yourself ” be fucked if I’m feeling like this while that mofo is with some chick he met online. ” and you give no more of your sadness because he is no longer worth your thoughts or your time.
I appreciate your kind words…i just can’t get out of my head right now. I know its not my fault, but that aside, I just want to give up. I feel like all I do is run in circles in life.
^This.
I’m sorry you feel that way. Please don’t give up just yet. You can get through this. Be strong for your children and yourself, and I see you already are being!
I don’t have any advice, but if you need to talk, I’m here for that.
Kick him out of your life. He is the problem. Not you. It’s seriously true. Kick him out and do something for yourself. Do something that interests you. Try something that you’ve always wanted to try. Go back to school. Start a home based business on the side. Do ANYTHING that will hold your interest. Even if you end up not liking it. Just TRY it. Take a martial arts class. Train for a marathon. Those kinds of things are awesome cuz not only do they keep you busy, you make friends and increase your self esteem.
The worst feeling is having no control. That, and my imagination. The very thought of my husband with another woman leads me to just want to end life. Give up. Stop caring. I cannot control the fact that while he lied all week while out of town about loving me more than anything and coming home to me, he didn’t mean it. Its cruel and inhumane.