I don’t know if I’m more mad at him or myself for finally trusting so quickly. Being so naive. Every last bit of my insides are screaming at me. “You’re stupid! You shouldn’t have trusted another human being!”
The basis of what happened? I let this guy in. I met him here at college, confided in him. Showed him my scars. He kissed them. I thought he was growing to care for me. It happened. He got in my pants. He had his way with me and I wanted it too. I believed he would stay when it was all over.
He didn’t. I was damaged as fuck before I met him, and now I’m even more hesitant and mistrusting. I’m trying not to blame others for how I feel anymore, but you really hurt me. I’m sitting in my dorm room and I feel so lonely. I was supposed to see him today and he cancelled on me 5 minutes before, with some transparent excuse. He’s been avoiding me.
I would cry, but I’ve already done it.
I would puke, but I’ve already done it.
What’s next? Killing myself? Sounds like such a sweet escape. I’m fucking done with people. Isn’t it obvious why I have no friends? No boyfriend/girlfriend? Fuck. I’m so done. Save me.
4 comments
What’s next, is that you learn to not be so open to finding love, search for friendship first, and gradually become best friends, and even then you shouldn’t be open to having an intimate relationship, it shouldn’t be allowed until you both are fully ready and by that, I mean like when you both are REALLY ready, like after marriage or something like, having intimate relationship should be something special, not something you share whenever you both want to do it, it should be a special moment that you both feel a pleasantry of love, compassion, and joy. True, this isn’t my field of expertise at all because, I’m still a virgin but, I’m also a guy and try my best to stick to a moral code which most ‘humans’ seem to have forgotten about, and I won’t do anything sexual with a girl, not until after marriage or we’re both completely ready to move passed the ‘bestest best true great friends status’ (Yes, I made that up. 🙂 ) but, seriously, try to keep yourself shut from the guys for a while and if he ever brings it up just tell him how it’s made you feel, okay? if he has a conscious, it’ll eat at him and eventually (if not immediately) he’ll apologize. As for me, I’d probably be worrying like crazy about tons of things every single second, I’d give a list but, I really don’t think it’s allowed. 🙁 sorry.
Killing yourself? No, it’s not a good path to go down, trust me, I’ve tried about 30 some times already, it only leads to more self hate, depression and more suicide attempts… 🙁 I’m still struggling myself, and it’s like being stuck in the middle of the ocean with no hope of escape. IT IS NOT A SWEET ESCAPE! it’s a FREAKING NIGHTMARE! Trust me, death is a very scary thing, cause the second it’s over, there’s no do over! with paperwork, you can try again later, with life, you only get one shot! and then it’s game over if you die! YOU’D LOSE! 🙁 I know that sounds mean but, it’s the truth. (at least to me it is. 🙁 ) but,please don’t shut out everyone, there’s still a small handful of good people out there in this cold cruel dark world that we live in today, and people like you are one of those few rare good people! 🙂 please, don’t erase yourself because, of a mistake that’d happened, everyone makes mistakes, really! Mankind has been making mistakes for THOUSANDS of years… I’m sure even fire was a mistake, heck! some inventions were mistakes as well! (can’t remember which ones but, there’s a couple. lol 🙂 ) If you haven’t got any friends, can we try and be friends? We don’t have to be bf/gf’s or whatever, just friends for now, or not, entirely up to you, you have the power to make the decision not me. But, I will never turn down a friend in need, no matter what has happened! (unless they’ve done something overly drastic like murder, or kill innocent creatures or something messed up and/or twisted like that) which I highly doubt you have! okay? 🙂 … Please, :'( don’t kill yourself.
“pleasantry of love, compassion, and joy.” Tried that, felt all of that for my last bf and he just trashed me anyway…it’s a sport. No I will never open my heart again…it’s shut and will still beating soon enough.
stop beating I meant.
No, you were so desperate for something more, you rushed into it, you need to take things slower, it’s how you’ll find the right person. How like 99% most men these days are, are heartless, mean, vile and cruel. At least that’s from my experiences. and you don’t have to shut it out! if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have opened up about the things I’ve experienced and tried to help you. 🙁 And if that’s not good enough for you, then you’re just dead set on suicide.