I am a late diagnosed female of Asperger syndrome. I have never had any friends. I disowned my toxic family. My marriage is in shit street. I have never been able to work for too long despite having many talents that I cannot seem to apply in the working world. I also have 3 children. 2 are autistic. Life is too difficult. I have endured far too many relationship breakdowns that I completely avoid and cannot trust people any longer. I look to my future and see nothing but loneliness, more pain, illness, and bitterness. How is it rational to want to live for that kind of a future? My children are all that keeps me here, but I am fast approaching a situation where my lack of ability to cope with people is now affecting their relationships with people. They rely on my husband for socialisation. I feel completely useless. I feel angry. I feel mistrusting of everybody. I don’t understand people. People don’t understand me. How can I continue down this treacherous path leading to nothing but old- illness, sadness and more potential burden onto people I care about? This is selfish. Suicide is not. Suicide will give my offspring the opportunity to navigate the social world. My input is hurting them. I am becoming more and more defective with each passing year. I am proud of my parenting up till now, but feel I have hit a toxic wall. I must eject before the good work I undone.
3 comments
As a person with aspergers, you are the most capable parent those kids have. I teach kids who have autism and Aspergers, and what I wouldn’t give to see those kids with a parent who understands the social roadblocks they experience! I have seen the social parent introducing their child to strangers, and then miss every cue from the child that it is too much! Too fast!
The teacher, new to integration that snaps at the kid, “why can’t you just say hello for once, that was incredibly rude”.
When your kids come home, confused, or across a situation they can’t handle… To have a parent say “I know.” “I get it” “it’s ok if you’re not ready for that” … To recognize the needs of your child because they mirror your own!
Their dad is only half of who they are. They may rely on him for some gaps to be filled, but they rely on you for other things. For connection. Because they have half of you, too. If you were gone, who could explain that part of themselves?
You say without you they could navigate the social world… But you are not the reason they are struggling with it. I do not see how having a single-parent home will assist them to make connections with the world outside. When they grow older and have their own, likely on the spectrum, children – who can they ask for help?
Just because they don’t need to for this second, doesn’t mean they won’t be needing you tomorrow.
Who better to help your kids understand their autism and who has more understanding of their difficulty socializing than you? I’m not dumping a guilt thing on you. I’ve worked with adults with autism and Asperger’s; some yet diagnosed and others diagnosed but too fearful or proud to admit it to themselves. I know a guy once that struggled all of his life and was diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of 45. He blossomed like a sunflower because he finally knew the reason for why his life was in a state of entropy but he had something he could now work with and make the right adjustments.
I feel you are very strong. And I also feel your frustration and lack of hope. And that breaks my heart because shit is hurting so bad for you that you want to give up. That hits pretty close to home for me.
You are very articulate, wise and you are a survivor. But it seems that no one has really stood behind you or given you the love, care and support you need. And your fuel tank is empty. I get it. But things can change.
You are significant, and you are valuable beyond – no, far beyond what you can comprehend. Please try and take heart in that. You have your difficulties and care for kids with even greater difficulties and you are right – you can’t continue without replenishing the emotional energy you expend and believe me you expend a tremendous amount of energy each and every day just trying to tread water.
If you can find a way to take just a little time for yourself and look within your heart to know what you really need from others and what would make you happy, you can then look toward those that are close to you (and even those that aren’t but should be) to meet those needs it would mak all the difference in the world for you. It would give you back some of what you have selflessly given to you kids and your husband.
You deserve to be cared for; you deserve to have a life that is fulfilling and rewarding. And the people in your life need to stop taking you for granted. I can’t practice what I preach much anymore but I know if you first love and accept yourself it enables others to truly care for you.
I sincerely hope you will – I know you can.
– peace
i have 2 sons. both are fucking balls of wonderment that give my life meaning when it is often found to be lacking……i like the one with aspergers most tho…..i feel really guilty saying this as they are both great…..but……my 1st born, although a much more difficult and precocious child….is my favorite…..