I’m so toxic in a relationship
Why am I ruining something so great?
I’m so fucking stupid and shitty.
Why can’t I make someone happy?
I’m so unreliable hahaha
Throughout life there will be ups and downs, joys and tears. Normally, I try to ignore negativity coming from my neighbours and refrain myself from using foul language but words can’t express how I stronfly feel about these emotional and financial leeches. My neighbour are the type of people who are like this quote “counts other people sins/mistakes” to try to make themselves look like “saints”.
In my opinion, they are truly despicable and are like peeping Tom’s who have a problem minding their own business. I made nicknames for them as flies, paparazzi, or anti-fan. I made it clear to them that I would appreciate it if they would park on their own driveway and keep their kids under control from playing on our side. We live near a park less than 5 minutes away but they somehow would ene up on our driveway and make a mess.
I’m sick and tired of having to constantly remind them whenever they play ball on our side to be careful of hittint our car just because there’s more space available. They have ganged up with their in-law house down the street trying to sue my family and aim to hurt us financially by seeking compensation money, getting us fined and arrested over noise that we were unaware if we got cited for. If their plan is ever successful, the world is shady. Accumulating fines over time without any first hand warning? It’seems been depressing and stressful dealing with remarks because they often try to put us down because my uncle installed a back up alarm on his vehicle. He didn’t intend to use the backup alarm to do harm, harass or cause any emotional distress to anyone like these disgusting people accused us of doing it intentionally and would removed it if a police or someone would tell him about the possibility of getting fined over noise. For more information, you can find back up alarm sold online.
I find it a bit absurd like a article that I read online about a neighbour suing another neighbour for using wind chimes outside of their own home and wanted to get them fined for 10K over noise pollution. My uncle never thought this far and just followed his personal belief that the back up alarm is a useful tool/gadget for safety purposes and told me not to worry about our neighbour potentially trying to seek revenge or harm us.
Like my concern/prediction, I had a feeling that those toxic neighbour’s of mines would one day use the back up alarm as an excuse to harm us because our car stand out/different from typical cars all because of the back up alarm installed. That’s the only thing that they get their confidence from and have been acting cocky over these past few months. God knows our true intentions and I am not a shame of my uncle for installing a back up alarm but truly disgusted by meeting these type of people who try to sabotage other people lives for their own benefit behind their backs. My uncle is naive to believe that the police will give out warnings if there is an issue that needs to be fixed or inform us about noise complaints made. I’ll be really frustrated if these type of neighbour got to take advantage of us all because of the back up alarm installed on my uncles vehicle. It seems like they got someone to hack our cctv systems. I’m kind of mad that they were too stubborn to listen to me about removing the back up alarm sooner.
Ever since January 2015, I tend to sleep a lot when I’m battling with depression to forget about the things and situation that is happening in reality, It has severely impacted my studies because I lost motivation to study. Those jerks next door would taunt us or make crying sound on purpose out loud next to the adjoined walls for us to hear claiming it’s: :”GAME OVER” for us and that they can win the battle in the form of a lawsuit. I was in the state of thinking that nothing really matters any more because my family is at risk of being arrested over using a back up alarm on our car and really sadden by the fact that we can get heavily fined and possibly might have to pay compensation money to raise those bastards. What hurts the most is feeling close to someone and watching them get hurt, taken advantage of, in this case my uncle losing money. I fear that they might try to take possession of our home because the amount of compensation that they want from us is still unknown.
They keep telling me not to worry about those neighbour teasing us because they enjoy watching us suffer or hit our low point in life. It’s easier said than done to avoid toxic people. Like a ship, I let the negativity sink in. I feel very tired and tend to cry very easily nowadays by seeing my loved one faces and seeing those bastards next door faces smirk.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEFxM3Q2kbg My sickness slips inside you Drowning in my poison Desperately I hide too from heaven Now we'll be together I can make you better Siphon your pain in me, so I bleed Feed your dreams to fishes Lie about your wishes Eat away at your time, seconds are mine Sometimes it seems we're toxic Wake me up and shock it My low self-esteem Can make me scream In my tears Don't let me drown My fears don't make a sound My tears Don't break me down In my tears Don't let me drown It's only my psychosis Feeling thorns of roses Fill the void inside me So you see Feed me tranquilizers Calm the storm inside us It's so perverse to say That I'm blind In my tears Don't let me drown My fears Don't make a sound My tears Don't break me down In my tears Don't let me drown
I can’t afford to pause my life, not now. Even though I feel the fight dying inside me and passion becoming a confused hot mess. Everything keeps turning to shit no matter how hard I work or what I do. I feel like I’m continuously this toxic poison that everyone is forced to live with. They all suffer because of me. All the stresses of my life bleed into theirs, and it’s not fair. I’m far from happy, beyond stressed, just plain frustrated. I don’t know who else to talk to, I can’t handle this by myself but do not want to feel like such a burden and so toxic. Any words of wisdom?
Today is my parents’ 19th wedding anniversary. They have been together for 35 years. High school sweethearts. Yes… They’ve had their fair share of ups and downs, especially this year. At a certain point, I wanted their marriage to end because I felt it had become toxic. They pulled through. They found a way to make it work.
As for me, I don’t see myself married. I doubt I’ll ever find someone who will understand me. Sometimes it’s hard to even understand myself. Marriage… Children… That will be just another reason to keep me on this earth longer than I want to.
I’m scared of getting hurt. Hence, I don’t date. It’s hard for me to open up. It’s hard for me to put myself out there and lay my heart on the line. My anxiety prevents me from experiencing life to the fullest. I just can’t. My heart tells me I like someone, and my head screams that I will get hurt, so I keep away. I’m scared of rejection. I’m bisexual, with no experience with neither sex.
I have told myself and come to accept that I will never love anyone other than my family. Nor will I ever open my heart for anyone. I’m not sure I know what love is, other than the love I feel for my family.
I highly doubt anyone will come sweep me off my feet. I doubt anyone will ever break this fence I’ve built around my heart. I doubt I will ever fall in love.
Happy Anniversary Mama le Papa.
Ek is baie lief vir jou.
I got fired today . I honestly feel better . I got fired because I was late . & this is my first time being late . But it’s whatever . I could care less . That place is fucking toxic. I feel like everyone there bully’s me. So I don’t care . I feel like that place was really bringing me down . I need a new environment and new people .
I hope to make a change in my life
this reminds me of a book i read, a website similar to this. im glad i have somewhere to vent. i just wonder why no methods are allowed to be shared, it honestly would’ve been nice. but back to the juicy stuff. i am a transgender boy in iowa. ive attempted suicide once before. parents never took me to therapy or got me on antidepressants. i came out to my parents via an email from my school. fun. they said they support me, but have not used proper pronouns, name, or discussed me being on testosterone. (i dont even know if i spelled that right.) and they wont even let my cut off my goddamn hair. im pissed and mad. my school actually respects me more than my fucking family does, and being around them is toxic; mainly to my metal health. everything is deterorating and ive been wanting to die. hm, aren’t i unique and original. perhaps when i get put over the edge ill be reincarnated into a biological boy and live a normal life without my depression and anxiety biting my ass constantly.
I woke up focused on purging the pain. Spent all day in the hills trying to find peace. Came back to my little cottage that reeks of death. Cried and punched the wall till my wrist got sprained. Bottle of liquor and a handful of toxic killers. Just looking at them and crying. Their punget smell just painted a horrific spectre of death. I just couldn’t do it. Whoever said suicide is the easy way out deserves to go to hell. I just feel so alone and torn apart from the inside. I don’t know what else to do.
I’m tired. Nobody cares, and nobody cares on here most of the time, either. Social media is shit but then again so is life. At least I pour this out. I go to bed and can only sleep now with pills. The internet is as sick a place as the real world, in fact I think it is sicker b/c peoples’ real selves pour out. Lots of toxic crazies in the world, hiding behind their masks, here they don’t have to hide. The 21st century is one barbaric age despite all of our so-called advances. Technology is being used to do things like film “revenge porn”. We know too much thanks to all of the information overload.
I go to bed depressed and wake up even more depressed. Nobody cared about me at the judgmental full of shit church and in fact I saw an interesting article about why people are leaving churches that fit my situation to a T. I even emailed a woman pouring out my heart who ignored me, the same woman I called to ask why aren’t you coming to church. I worry about the poisons in the planet and in these seemingly harmless meds. I’ve been saying a novena to get rid of the evil whispering spirits that torment me b/c I’m isolated. I question God know but always did. Nobody cares about me unless I remind them I’m around, and even then I don’t think they really care about me. They don’t need to. Forgotten people are just that, forgotten.
I’m going to my church anyway today to fuck them all take the Eucharist to give me strength to keep going. My life has beaten me down to the ground and I can’t do it anymore. Nobody fucking gives a shit and nobody can do anything but judge you or tell you that what they would do is what you should do. I am fucking done with the horror show of this world and of csa, but I need to know someone cares before I kill myself. Since nobody has stepped up to the plate, now I am researching methods. Nobody’s life should be a sick horror ride. Like mine has been. Nothing good on this planet but animals and trees. Humans are filth, toxic waste, scum. I wish the earth would shake us all of tomorrow so it could heal. Give it back to the First Nation people. Let justice reign in this world far beyond the hell too many of us were given.
Humans are scum.
Silently, drifting throughout space, progressing to the unknown, flying among the stars. Maybe space intrigues me so much because it’s so untouched, untainted by the disease known as humanity. Cast me into the cloudy, toxic atmosphere of Jupiter, let it’s grand beauty and violent winds suffocate me and tear me apart.
All around me the world is going insane, people getting bolder and indane.
Violence throughout with no discrimination, all people lost in oblivious conversation.
Society falls apart before our very eyes, and we fail to see through the silent lies.
Told through the pages of history, that have now become a lost majesty.
Bring us our daily bread, and then choke on the toxic lead.
That you feed us through a broken spoon, but then lead us to a lost tune.
I know this poem makes no sense, but neither does this world so tense.
Our world has reach peak insanity, yet there’s still yet another calamity.
There’s always enough room, for yet another thing to go wrong in this rocky cocoon.
Maybe I’m crazy and maybe you are, but at least we can agree that for now we have traveled too far.
The world has gone insane, and you and I shall not be ever in vain.
For our lousy loath full rhymes, that mother goose would never be so benign.
She would tie us up and eat us for lunch, and then spit us out for brunch.
I forgot what I was writing a poem about, but perhaps it made the devil pout.
Nous sommes tous devenus follement en amour avec tout le monde et personne.
My problems are not fixable. I used to always believe that if life became untenable, one could just “run away.” If you’re really at the point of ending it, why not try escaping it, first? But now I see “no matter where you go, there you are.” My body has failed me. My health is unmanageable. Doctors have failed me. The entire medical profession has failed me (and yes, I know that sounds hyperbolic, but sometimes hyperbole is the only refuge).
A failed hysterectomy… a surgical “accident”… a booboo… an “uh oh, it slipped… shit happens…” has left my life in shambles, and as the problems drag on and on and on the world has shifted into “blame the patient.” The surgery to repair the surgery to repair the surgery is now in need of repair, but I have gained unfathomable amounts of weight and surgery is unsafe.
And there it is. Right there. “Oh. Gained weight. Yeah, we get it. Fat people deserve every bad thing that happens to them.” But what about when the fat, despicable person did not do anything to get that way? I am not hiding potato chips in my sofa or eating fast food in my car. I eat nothing processed or packaged. I eat no wheat or grains of any kind. I eat no meat or dairy that isn’t grass fed. I eat no vegetable that isn’t organic. And I eat no food that isn’t grass-fed meat or organic vegetables. I eat twice a day. Probably 1000 calories a day. I tried veganism. I tried liquid diets. I tried dozens of detoxes and cleansing regimens. I went bulletproof. I went palio. I juiced, I fasted, I purged, I weighed and measured. I tried drugs and supplements. Will-power is no longer even something I strive for, I simply don’t eat because I can’t. Every pound of food is 5 pounds of fat on my body. The rare doctor who believes me is baffled. I test allergic to all foods. All of them. The ridiculous drugs they keep prescribing are more of a problem than the problem itself. We live in a “wag the dog” medical universe, where only symptoms are treated because that’s where profitability lies.
Of course, we sell the idea that all obesity is a weakness of character, because the idea that “it isn’t something you do but something that can happen to you” is too terrifying. I had no idea before this, either. I thought I was thin because I was disciplined and did the right things. Guess what. You can be disciplined. You can do the right thing. And then medical things can happen and BOOM your life is over. Just over. Meaningless. Because the life if a crippled fat person is nothing but a drain on society. With a giant, gaping incisional hernia in my abdomen, there is little I can safely do for exercise. But I do what I can. Water-based physical therapy. Walking. Any opportunity to do anything I take, when I can. But I’m sick. I’m sick ALL the time. Some days I can barely walk. So on those days, I eat less. I eat just a bit of vegetables. And I’m fat and handicapped, can’t lift more than 5 pounds safely, can’t walk a mile without exhaustion. Shows like “biggest loser” are a crime against humanity. They would have you believe all fat people got that way because they’re either emotionally damaged or just undisciplined and lazy. It’s a lie. It can happen to you like an earthquake, or a pestilence. It is an act of God. A sick, horrific god who delights in suffering for no other reason than a “bet with the devil.” Well if I’m the Job of the modern age, this time God loses the bet. I curse him and die.
Doctors. They think they’re gods, but they’re not. They know very little. These days medical school teaches them two things: 1. the latin names for body parts, and 2: how to read a chart of symptoms and prescribe exactly what pfyzer tells them to prescribe. They are shills, doing nothing but standing outside the modern version of a traveling wagon selling “mother mabel’s miracle tonic.” In the battle between the original start of true medical research and the shysters who sold tonics, the snake oil salesmen won. They can and will do nothing to help me, even though they caused this in the first place. And I am left obese and with an extremely large hiatal hernia from the last surgery. I’m too fat to make repair surgery practical. I walked in to the hospital for a simple hysterectomy and 3 1/2 years later am left this… monstrous, useless THING. Most of the world would agree, simply based on this horrific body, that suicide is not just an option, it should be a requirement. This is a cascade of crap rolling downhill onto me. Every day, I am sicker and sicker. Poisoned by toxic environment, toxic medicine, toxic food. Autoimmune diseases. Physical handicaps. Obesity. Fat fat fat why don’t you die piggy, you’re fat. I was never fat before this. And I don’t mean I put on a little padding… I am morbidly obese. Too fat to live. Maybe too fat to die easily. How many pills does it take to kill a fat person? Where is the rope strong enough?
I haven’t been able to work. Our finances are in shambles. My husband is exhausted from working and taking care of the house himself. My daughter is now grown and able to look out for herself. She doesn’t need me. I am a drain on our money, our lives, everything. I serve no valuable purpose. I am torn up, physically and emotionally. I offer nothing to the universe and my very existence just takes and takes. Why on earth did this happen to me? Why? I did all the things I was supposed to do in life. Cancer would have been better than this, because at least cancer comes with an expiration date. You either get cured or you die. This? I’m just waiting for the heart-attack or stroke. With my luck, neither would kill me, and I’d just be a bigger drain on my family, and would no longer have the means or ability to end it. I owe it to the world to do something about this while I still can. I tried fixing it. It is irreparable. Now it is time to die and remove the problem, like a cancer. I am the problem. I am the cancer. I need to be excised.
Psychiatrists and physicians always have tons of money invested into malpractice insurance because they know that their toxic treatments can sometimes in fact deform or harm people into permanent disability. If I really wanted to. I could always go back to school to learn a marketable job skill. However, I cannot do that if I should somehow become permanently & painfully disabled by risking my health to toxic psychiatric drugs. I don’t trust psychiatrists or even most physicians anymore because they don’t care if they should harm their own patients, because they can easily get away with spreading misinformation and are not always held accountable for shit under the law. Doctors take a hypocritical oath not a hyppocratic one anymore.
Psychiatry is going to kill me but that’s ok because I was suicidal for several years anyway.
I am fully aware the psychiatry is a very pseudoscientific with toxic drugs for treatment of so called mental illness. But I was born from two seriously disturbed mental patients in a NY state mental hospital. I was totally the product of psychiatric treatment. My entire existence is because of psychiatry. I wouldn’t have been born without it. I have been on almost every single psychiatric drug that is available. I have been mostly diagnosed with mood disorders and I am currently on disability for them. I have been in psychiatric wards 6 different times and had hundreds of hours of therapy too.
Lithium seems to help as long as I drink lots of water with it. Gabapentin also helps me a lot too. Nothing else so far has worked as good as these two drugs. Because ,I suffer dystonic reactions from many different anti- psychotics. I now would love to stop being a helpless mental patient. But just like my unfortunate parents before me. It has become an unfortunate part of my misguided identity.
I might as well give up and die as an incontinent mental patient that I know my dick craves of me because I am the kinkiest mental patient on the fucking planet and I don’t care anymore. The psychiatrists might keep me on fucking lithium until I am pissing blood and my kidneys are almost failing this may take a while but will surely happen if I keep taking it every day.
I am thoroughly convinced that the only healthy way for me to treat my mental illness would be with martial arts training every day. It also would be very helpful if I could own a punching bag and use it in my own place whenever I felt the need to. Getting my tattoos redone would probably also help my mental illnesses a lot too. However all of these healthy alternatives cost lots of money that I simply don’t have right now. And I am no where even close to having any of those options. So it looks like I am stuck with the toxic psychiatric shit that will just continue to cause more suffering for me in the end. Just what the doctor ordered so they can continue to capitalize off of my illness.
I lived in a broken family. Divorced parents, lots of fights, my mom and brother didn’t get a long, never-ending shouting, crying and screaming. I tried not to say a word, to appear strong, to not make things worse. For years since I was in primary school I felt alone and longed for love. I felt broken inside, so broken to the point that I feel numb and empty, I had to cut myself just to feel again. To feel anything, to remind me that I can feel pain, and I’m still living. The blood trickling down my skin to the bathroom floor somehow calms me down. Then I met a guy, whom I don’t have feelings for at first. He talked to me everyday, gave me the attention I wouldn’t get from my family and I felt loved. Probably the reason why I agreed to get together with him, I was craving for love and some caring. We went on and off for about four years, I opened up to him slowly and he accepted all I am with all my flaws and imperfections. I learned to love him, and everything was good until we started arguing a lot and the relationship became toxic. I felt unhappy and I knew he was too, but neither of us had the courage to break it off until I decided to go overseas for college. To get out of my broken home. And I did. I was happy. I started a new life away from home, I met new people and experienced new things. The suicidal thoughts I once had every night is getting lesser and I was almost sure that I can be happy again. Almost a year passed and I met another guy. I fell for him fast. He made me forgot about my past pains, he made me happy, and sure enough we got together about a month ago. But I constantly feel that this is too good to be true, it made me insecure. I am waiting, waiting for the time he walk away, just like everybody else. I have this wall I can’t break, I don’t fully enjoy being around him, often having mood swings and overthinking because deep inside there’s this fear that he won’t be able to accept me after knowing me inside out, that he’d leave after seeing my flaws that I try not to show. I’m scared.
Things are beyond hopeless. Things are ridiculous. Came to realizations too late in life. I’m almost 50 and just realized that my parents are self entitled critical narcissists who eroded my self esteem and that I spent 15 years with a spouse who is just like them. I have been the take it and put up with the bs – in every relationship and work place. Because why ? Because I settled and took the first boyfriend/job that comes along to get out of the debacle…the cycle has been continuous. Fast forward to now: I have no money and will run out of dog food for my dogs tomorrow. I am on leave from work and do not think I am. getting paid the partial pay rate at the end of the month. I have zero 401k/retirement and I owe 30k in debt from the marriage I left 4 years ago. I don’t have the money to pay to see my doctors to get my papers signed for my leave to be extended; I can’t afford to see the counselors I really need to see. I have 16 years to work and try to save for retirement. I can’t find a job even though I have an advanced degree and awesome work experience. I need to get out of the toxic work place I am trapped at. I can’t find a decent person to date. I guess why the heck even bother to work and save for retirement when I can’t find a job and then try to find a partner in life. I don’t have kids so it does not matter.
My answer depends on if I get paid or not at the end of the month if I last That long. If I don’t get paid I can’t pay my rent or utilities. I don’t have the money or energy to move. I will drop my dogs at the vet and Facebook my ex to get them after I drive to my bosses house and kill him. Then I kill myself. I have already given away my jewelry and will leave my house unlocked in case my family doesn’t have the keys.
I am a late diagnosed female of Asperger syndrome. I have never had any friends. I disowned my toxic family. My marriage is in shit street. I have never been able to work for too long despite having many talents that I cannot seem to apply in the working world. I also have 3 children. 2 are autistic. Life is too difficult. I have endured far too many relationship breakdowns that I completely avoid and cannot trust people any longer. I look to my future and see nothing but loneliness, more pain, illness, and bitterness. How is it rational to want to live for that kind of a future? My children are all that keeps me here, but I am fast approaching a situation where my lack of ability to cope with people is now affecting their relationships with people. They rely on my husband for socialisation. I feel completely useless. I feel angry. I feel mistrusting of everybody. I don’t understand people. People don’t understand me. How can I continue down this treacherous path leading to nothing but old- illness, sadness and more potential burden onto people I care about? This is selfish. Suicide is not. Suicide will give my offspring the opportunity to navigate the social world. My input is hurting them. I am becoming more and more defective with each passing year. I am proud of my parenting up till now, but feel I have hit a toxic wall. I must eject before the good work I undone.
My mom is on this big kick about how she is getting rid of all the toxic/negative people in her life. It makes me want to punch her in the face because she is the most toxic person in my life… They taught me how to work hard, they didn’t teach me how to live or that there is anything worth living for. All I know is that I’m embarrassed 98% of the time and that living sucks. I just want to okay.. its all I’ve ever wanted is just to be okay. Okay would be enough.
Where do you go when you have so many problems that you dont fit in anywhere? No meaning to my life. No love. No one. Mercury poisoned and severely damaged. Multiple Chemical Sensitivity drives me to the wilds. Isolation even in crowds. Disabling anxiety, the slightest sound makes me jump inside. Completely disillusioned with society. Unwilling to support slavery and destruction of the earth and her creatures for my own survival… Not much left as i see it…. Not necessarily trying to die, but dont really see a way to live in this toxic wasteland. Soon to be homeless. Where can i go to live/ die in peace
Un, deux, trois. Morlock. I am a rock, not a gold one, but my blood is. Of toxic hell.
Where. Seeking the nature and land, the base, the refuge, for the sanctum. Eight bills a month. Perhaps we can salvage the Lexus RX and get me a new ride, or something. Seeking the healing party house out in the rural. For the Butterfly empire, transmogrify into our dreams, conquer our wings. Behind the Thirteenth Gate. The saga of the Sacred-Clown, and the Mages.
“Butterfree! Use ‘Iron-Wing’ attack!”
Man, I love Pokémon. Travel by air with my strong Butterfree.
Standing on my feet, hanged by a rope from my green backpack.
Butterfree, it’s crazy big and round red eyes and it’s ninja feet.
Super-sonic senses and agility movements, air-winged with the most enchanted wings in the bug kingdom. Sleeping-powder and Mega-Drain.
My pokemons are all about the health and stamina.
On our journey to evolution, to become stronger and better.
For the pilgrimage. Little Paras with it’s mushrooms on it’s back.
Parasect, paralyze. Harvest the powder for my detoxified Muk.
Get ready for a level 50 ‘Contortion’ attack!
What can you do against my high level Muk and it’s super paralyzing-powder attack; unless you have a Machamp or a fire pokemon.