I can’t tell any more if im over reacting or simply following a path that was laid out for me. I’m married , just over 13 years, and we have been through hell and back, and not all on our accounts. There’s been severe injuries, that included hospitalization and surgery. There’s been job losses, several of those and on both ends. There’s been concerns with kids and family members that included losses as well as counselling. And yet despite all of the angry and terrible things we have said and done, I still try to “fix” things. I push my emotions and feelings aside to try to raise my kids but it doesn’t matter all the hurt comes rushing back and I find myself looking for an end. I have always known my method of choice, but I keep convincing myself that I’m just being emotional. I’m tried, I’m lonely and just don’t feel that I give a dam any more. So again I ask am I over reacting?
This year i will die. That is my resolve and it will not change anymore.
However i got myself into a responsibility mess by adopting two kitties and that is why i cannot or rather do not want to make it an obvious suicide. Ideally i want terminal cancer, and i’ve done some research on how to get it despite being as healthy as i am, but i’d like more input.
Do you think radiation from exposure to 2 or so americum 241 would be enough to give me cancer? I’m thinking of putting it in my water every time i drink, basically.
If not then what would you say would be a good way to make suicide look natural?
Any help regarding this is much appreciated.
I’ve come to the realization that I will never understand people or connect with them. Yet, I can’t escape biology and instinct…
So, I will save myself the headache and quit this game early. Despite what others may think, this is a logical decision to me. I’ve tempted fate and tested instinct. I don’t have that instinct to survive. If I was on a deserted island with easy to get food and water, I bet I would still starve to death…
I’m starting to realize how much freaking effort it takes to start trying again, while still depressed and after having pretty much given up on life for a couple of months. My initial motivation was simply that I had nothing to lose, but that doesn’t really help me when I have to get up and commute to work despite feeling physically and mentally drained. It’s not as simple as having nothing to lose or taking it one day at a time. Eventually I will get tired and start asking myself “What’s the point,” and I don’t have a good answer. I still have no long-term goals. I still can’t regulate my emotions. I still don’t love anyone and doubt that I really want to. And I still really dislike myself.
from 2009 of a brief stay inside the mental clinic. For 6 days I wrote terribly cringeworthy entries on a flipbook… and drew even more cringeworthy pictures. Gave me a good laugh. Yet one sentance stood out to me:
[…]I am important to People, and they like me for who I am and what I do[…]
What happened in 7 years since then? Today I am convinced of the opposite. Infact have attempted suicide multiple times because of issues of worthlessness etc. I wrote further […] “I learned my lesson, I will never attempt suicide again” […]
Yet I remember another attempt on suicide just a few weeks after.
When I read those lines I can see what a happy person I was despite my issues. That I treated that attempt as a small forgetable issue then an illness that is slowly consuming me. Today… well I am “just another Cutty McSobsalot” trying to get by.
Well that 19 year old didn’t know what would come to them in the years to follow. Friends lying to you up to a point they drove you to another attempted suicide – Parents not accepting of who you are on the inside and more setbacks. But such is life
I wondered if I became a better person? And… yes I did. Back then it was this weird transitioning time from the “schoolyard”-like mindset, tons of prejudices and slight narcacism.
in 7 years I met so many People, made so many friends and have read and listened to even more expieriences, my own included, that it made me a more knowledgeable, attentive and caring Person that happens to be waist deep in depression and low self esteem.
Yes, I still want to die. But not because the world hated me, as I thought so many years back. Today… it’s just the saturated loneliness and emotional pain seeping through my body. The insecurity causing anxieties and paranoia.
I wish I could visit my friends as a ghost… or whatever. IF I happen to finally kick the bucket by my own hand. In the meantime… well just wanna have a little fun.
Oh, and the diary is going to burn… as much as I want to keept it. I feel I need closure from that 19 year old.
Thanks for reading
I didn’t sleep Saturday night. I slept for 3 hours last night. I haven’t slept tonight – it’s 5AM. And I’m so energetic I couldn’t care less about the loss of sleep. I have done so much stuff tonight (this morning I stayed in my room because I couldn’t calm myself down – I was extremely happy and was thinking about all these great ideas to do, and I annoy people and get into arguments over it).
For the past couple hours I’ve been doing a sketch for a painting I’ve put off for almost 2 months – surprisingly I’ve been able to focus on it despite the racing thoughts and inconvenience of the voices. I’m shaking because I have so much energy, and I can’t decide what to do with it right now.
I’ve been talking to Bree while everyone’s been in bed and she can barely keep up with me, so that’s irritating. But other than that, it’s good.
I’m in the mood to write – which is great considering I love writing – but I can’t keep up with how fast I’m thinking about things, and it’s frustrating me to he point where I don’t even want to write anymore. Oh well.
My morning was reasonably okay-ish, until I found out my stepdad had been our drinking since 12. He came home around 4 and he and my mum had an argument, so he left to go drinking again. He came back around 10:30 and was completely drunk to the point where he could barely stand up.
Since the argument I’ve been feeling weird. It’s like how I felt last year before I went ‘crazy’ – for lack of a better word – for a week or so. My mind is racing, and my energy is building up. I feel like cleaning the house, but going for a run at the same time.
It’s 1am and all need for sleep has gone, despite getting hardly any last night. I’m shaking because I have so much energy right now, and Bree is trying to get me to go outside. I’m so irritable, and I need to do something.
Edit: I’m back in moderation hell yay!
Sorry for spamming this song its (almost in)arguably the best part of the movie now on to the post. In exactly 18 months one of 2 things will be true (well both if you subscribe to the scientifically plausible many worlds theory). My life will be significantly improved or i will be completing/completed my suicide. In 18 months I hit a milestone bday. Ive set dates before but this is final. This is less an ultimatum and more of a mad dash to get myself right. Despite my posts there is a fair amount of optimism that ill be good well before that deadline. Maybe even by this bday. Only time my efforts and ability to deal with depression will tell.
I just saw Batman v Superman for the 2nd time and i have to say i have a much higher opinion of it than when I saw it the first time. The more I think about the more i realize how connected to this movie i am. I understand what its like to not be perfect and lambasted for it. I get what its like not to be accepted for what you are. For people to not see how good you are despite your flaws. I understand what its like tl be pre classified based upon criteria you can’t control because you are grouped in to someones expectation of what you should be instead of what you are. I’m tired of feeling ugly. I wish i knew a way to reprogram my head not to tell myself that. I feel so fucking repulsive that I want to kill myself. I often feel like suicide would be my great deliverance. It wont i dont have a method. Still it seems unfair that i have to drudge on and fail at life because i fail at causing death.
I’m 97.3% sure my mum looked through my therapy diary. I’ve had to start writing about the voices until I next see my therapist, so I’ve been keeping it away from everyone. I specifically told her not to look in it and that’s it’s between me and my therapist.
However, she’s been acting weird around me today and out of the blue asks about the voices and if I’ve hurt myself again (I mentioned I did in the diary thing). The worst thing she could’ve done was look in it, because, although very brief descriptions, it has a basic summary of what they say. And they say I can’t trust my family. And if she reads it, they’ll all know that I know and they’ll feed it back to the Others.
I don’t see my therapist until next month. I’m supposed to see her in the first week, but my Mum’s cancelling. I’m supposed to see my psychiatrist in the second week. My Mum’s cancelling it. Despite knowing I need to see someone soon, she’s still cancelling them because they’re ‘inconvenient’ for her.
I’ve had the last two days off college, but I’m going back tomorrow. I was going to go back in today, but I would’ve been 40 minutes late and it set my anxiety and paranoia off again.
I’m debating on going to see my doctor this week, if I can get an appointment. I can’t concentrate of one thing right now. My focus shifts from one thing to the next, and my moods are the same. They’re awful, and so intense. I feel like I’m losing control of everything.
On what my mum would call a ‘positive note’, my therapist and her team are trying to get the Early Intervention Team to still keep me on to talk about the voices and stuff, despite them saying it’s not psychosis. My mum complained to my therapist about how she can’t cope with me anymore and doesn’t know what to do, so half the session was spent talking about this ‘issue’. I told my therapist I knew it wasn’t psychosis because then it wouldn’t be real. She accepted that, she knows it’s all real. She’s the only one who believes me, I think.
This post has jumped about, and it’s beginning to annoy me how unfocused I am recently so I’m just stopping here.
My apathy is starting to overpower me again. The meds don’t seem to be working anymore and counseling only turns the apathy to anger. An endless abyss or a destructive wrath: what is the lesser of two evils? Sure, I want to destroy humanity but I’m not an anarchist. I’m just a realist.
Even if humanity doesn’t wipe itself out with war, environmental destruction and overpopulation, cosmic forces will do it for them. Assuming humanity could transcend age one day and become cyborgs/androids, would there still be depressed people? Wishful thinking, that is.
I’m tired but I can’t die despite my wishes… I’m not meant to be a savior when I couldn’t care less about people. This loneliness is painful but there is no cure for this poison. I want to kill all of you just to see if I will be judged as an angel of mercy or a devil of sin if God exists. That is the extent of my apathy.
–I would make a lousy stalker.
–I can still play french horn reasonably well, even when I have a cold that completely plugs up my ears and sinuses.
–When ears and sinuses are completely blocked, granola bars taste like compressed sawdust.
— Coke Zero feels nice on a sore throat, but only for about 2 minutes.
–Amitryptaline does nothing to make me drowsy, despite that supposedly being one of the major side effects.
–When I have a cold bad enough to make granola bars taste like sawdust, I have an urge to watch old episodes of Rocky & Bullwinkle.
— I feel guilty when I cause other people stress and grief. Yet paradoxically I still feel like I definitely belong on a site for suicidal people.
In my opinion Stephen Hawking is one of the smartest scientists since Einstein forth. What amazes me at him is that despite saying that he is an atheist in 2014, he said once that “GOD” ( creator, divine force, some force of intelligence, etc) may exist, but he should give us more evidence about him. He is really smart because open minded scientists take in account all possibilites and he is not arrogant like the mainstream atheists are . And…he is an example for us all. He can’t walk and move, eat properly or do anything properly and there he is having a family and contiuneing his life.
As some of you may know, I recently had a miscarriage. I feel terrible and can’t seem to get over it and my family is not helping at all. My dad and my brother call me fat literally everyday and my father is forcing me to go to the gym so I “get fit” or whatever. That breaks my heart. They don’t understand that the extra pounds I have and my tiny belly reminds me of my baby, and I’m not ready to let that go. I don’t care about looking hot or being fit right now. Plus, my mom basically keeps me under house arrest despite the fact I’m almost twenty by literally locking me inside the house and taking my phone away from me. My sister is unbearable and has betrayed my trust, I even think I hate her (and I don’t hate anyone). I feel desperate, lonely and more depressed than ever. I’m so convinced that is not worth trying anymore. I don’t wanna live with them for five more years (I’m forced to, that’s how it works in my country unless I get married). I want it to be over.
I can’t stand it anymore. Despite the fact I had a miscarriage and I feel lonely and suicidal, my parents are pushing me over the edge. I’m forced to live with my mom which gets angry at everything and she doesn’t let me do anything even though I’m almost twenty. She locks me in her house which makes me more depressed. I feel trapped, I don’t have freedom, I don’t have anything. My dad calls me fat and is trying to force me to go to the gym while I still can’t get over my miscarriage and don’t want to lose my bump. It reminds me of my baby, and I’m not ready to let that go. If anything, I think I’m eating more just so I can keep it. They are not supportive at all and are driving me crazy. I just wish to be gone.
I thought I had met the most amazing guy and that he actually liked me. He promised me he would try to be with me despite it was against his religion (he is Muslim). We had a pregnancy scare but we thought it was nothing, and we went off for Winter Break. He wouldn’t even kiss me anymore because it was “wrong” but said he was trying his best to be ready for me. Once the break was over, I didn’t go back to uni and he just stopped talking to me. Soon after, I found out I was actually pregnant and he just pushed me away. He wouldn’t even talk to me when I went to uni to see him, he kept ignoring me. I found out he is being hooking up with other girls and he even made a new Tinder account. I left and he called me a liar and a whore because he didn’t believe I was pregnant (even thou I had a bump) or if I was, it wasn’t his because people told him lies about me sleeping with other guys (I had just slept with him at that time). I was depressed, didn’t take care of myself, and I recently had a miscarriage. Everything is wrong. I feel empty and alone. I couldn’t even tell him (he blocked me). Despite that, I miss him and I still have feelings for him. Is it so wrong?
The panic has started to set in again as my mum has repeatedly mentioned that I have to go back to college tomorrow.
Despite threatening to not even go into the building, she’s still insistent that I go. She warned me about if my personal tutor rings her again if I’m not in. I can’t go in. The Others are still there. They’re in my class, and I’ll die if I go in. I’ve ran out of excuses to stay off.
I’ve had multiple panic attacks this weekend just thinking about going in. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need to get out of leaving the house altogether. I’m not safe anywhere anymore.
I think this photo will be the wrong way around when it posts, but oh well.
I finally went to see Deadpool yesterday, so of course I had to draw him. I don’t really like the way this turned out, but I decided to post it anyway since no one else will look at it. So, despite not leaving my room until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, I still had a productive day.
the scariest part
is not the feeling of loneliness
o the darkness that fills you
despite the looming pain of emptiness
the scariest part
is the realization
that you have lost yourself
sinking as you lay awake at 2am
because you lost the ability to sleep
and you can’t even cry
because you don’t even care
Idk if i miss you. Or rather idk if i miss the person i stopped talking to. You weren’t the same person I fell in love with. You had such a major impact on my life that no matter what i do I’ll always know it wouldn’t have happened without you. But you went from lovingly warm to ice cold. I didn’t waiver. You went from open and honest to distant and duplicitous. You pushed me away but i tried to hold on. You trivialized my struggles and supported me at the same time. You once said you were a hard person to love and when i disagreed its as if you wanted to prove me wrong. You did. I lost my ability to read you or fully connect with you. I know leaving was the right decision. I stand by a lot of what i said i would change the tone of it definitely. But it should have been said. I’m not much but im no ones back up plan. I was walking on eggshells and what you needed me to be was impossible for me to be. So i had to leave. Im sorry for hurting you. Im sorry things ended the way they did. You were both a lesson and a blessing.
If you feel me thinking of you I’m sorry for that too. I really want to be over you and moved on. Despite how it is for you anyone can not find anyone. I wonder if you think about me. And if so what do you think of me. All i really want you to think is that a good person loved you as much as he could but all the factors involved burned him out. His anger was justified even if it wasn’t expressed gracefully. He cant have both taught you what love was supposed to be and been someone insensitive. Idk you have a right to think of me as you wish or not think of me at all. Given the time we knew each other despite it being a while already it’ll probably be forever before I’m completely over you. But i do want to stop thinking of you as much as i have recently. I had for a while then I had a dream about you and a constant fluctuation of reminders. Maybe you were/are thinking of me and thats what triggered the fellings maybe… that said you probably would have said something you never were afraid to say whats on your mind.