I can’t tell any more if im over reacting or simply following a path that was laid out for me. I’m married , just over 13 years, and we have been through hell and back, and not all on our accounts. There’s been severe injuries, that included hospitalization and surgery. There’s been job losses, several of those and on both ends. There’s been concerns with kids and family members that included losses as well as counselling. And yet despite all of the angry and terrible things we have said and done, I still try to “fix” things. I push my emotions and feelings aside to […]
This year i will die. That is my resolve and it will not change anymore.
However i got myself into a responsibility mess by adopting two kitties and that is why i cannot or rather do not want to make it an obvious suicide. Ideally i want terminal cancer, and i’ve done some research on how to get it despite being as healthy as i am, but i’d like more input.
Do you think radiation from exposure to 2 or so americum 241 would be enough to give me cancer? I’m thinking of putting it in my water every time i drink, basically.
If not then what would […]
I’ve come to the realization that I will never understand people or connect with them. Yet, I can’t escape biology and instinct…
So, I will save myself the headache and quit this game early. Despite what others may think, this is a logical decision to me. I’ve tempted fate and tested instinct. I don’t have that instinct to survive. If I was on a deserted island with easy to get food and water, I bet I would still starve to death…
I’m starting to realize how much freaking effort it takes to start trying again, while still depressed and after having pretty much given up on life for a couple of months. My initial motivation was simply that I had nothing to lose, but that doesn’t really help me when I have to get up and commute to work despite feeling physically and mentally drained. It’s not as simple as having nothing to lose or taking it one day at a time. Eventually I will get tired and start asking myself “What’s the point,” and I don’t have a good answer. I still have no long-term goals. […]
from 2009 of a brief stay inside the mental clinic. For 6 days I wrote terribly cringeworthy entries on a flipbook… and drew even more cringeworthy pictures. Gave me a good laugh. Yet one sentance stood out to me:
[…]I am important to People, and they like me for who I am and what I do[…]
What happened in 7 years since then? Today I am convinced of the opposite. Infact have attempted suicide multiple times because of issues of worthlessness etc. I wrote further […] “I learned my lesson, I will never attempt suicide again” […]
Yet I remember another attempt on suicide just a few […]
I didn’t sleep Saturday night. I slept for 3 hours last night. I haven’t slept tonight – it’s 5AM. And I’m so energetic I couldn’t care less about the loss of sleep. I have done so much stuff tonight (this morning I stayed in my room because I couldn’t calm myself down – I was extremely happy and was thinking about all these great ideas to do, and I annoy people and get into arguments over it).
For the past couple hours I’ve been doing a sketch for a painting I’ve put off for almost 2 months – surprisingly I’ve been able to focus on it […]
My morning was reasonably okay-ish, until I found out my stepdad had been our drinking since 12. He came home around 4 and he and my mum had an argument, so he left to go drinking again. He came back around 10:30 and was completely drunk to the point where he could barely stand up.
Since the argument I’ve been feeling weird. It’s like how I felt last year before I went ‘crazy’ – for lack of a better word – for a week or so. My mind is racing, and my energy is building up. I feel like cleaning the house, but going for a […]
Edit: I’m back in moderation hell yay!
Sorry for spamming this song its (almost in)arguably the best part of the movie now on to the post. In exactly 18 months one of 2 things will be true (well both if you subscribe to the scientifically plausible many worlds theory). My life will be significantly improved or i will be completing/completed my suicide. In 18 months I hit a milestone bday. Ive set dates before but this is final. This is less an ultimatum and more of a mad dash to get myself right. Despite my posts there is a fair amount of optimism that ill […]
I just saw Batman v Superman for the 2nd time and i have to say i have a much higher opinion of it than when I saw it the first time. The more I think about the more i realize how connected to this movie i am. I understand what its like to not be perfect and lambasted for it. I get what its like not to be accepted for what you are. For people to not see how good you are despite your flaws. I understand what its like tl be pre classified based upon criteria you can’t control because you are grouped in […]
I’m 97.3% sure my mum looked through my therapy diary. I’ve had to start writing about the voices until I next see my therapist, so I’ve been keeping it away from everyone. I specifically told her not to look in it and that’s it’s between me and my therapist.
However, she’s been acting weird around me today and out of the blue asks about the voices and if I’ve hurt myself again (I mentioned I did in the diary thing). The worst thing she could’ve done was look in it, because, although very brief descriptions, it has a basic summary of what they say. And they […]
My apathy is starting to overpower me again. The meds don’t seem to be working anymore and counseling only turns the apathy to anger. An endless abyss or a destructive wrath: what is the lesser of two evils? Sure, I want to destroy humanity but I’m not an anarchist. I’m just a realist.
Even if humanity doesn’t wipe itself out with war, environmental destruction and overpopulation, cosmic forces will do it for them. Assuming humanity could transcend age one day and become cyborgs/androids, would there still be depressed people? Wishful thinking, that is.
I’m tired but I can’t die despite my wishes… I’m not meant to be […]
–I would make a lousy stalker.
–I can still play french horn reasonably well, even when I have a cold that completely plugs up my ears and sinuses.
–When ears and sinuses are completely blocked, granola bars taste like compressed sawdust.
— Coke Zero feels nice on a sore throat, but only for about 2 minutes.
–Amitryptaline does nothing to make me drowsy, despite that supposedly being one of the major side effects.
–When I have a cold bad enough to make granola bars taste like sawdust, I have an urge to watch old episodes of Rocky & Bullwinkle.
— I feel guilty when I cause other people stress and grief. […]
In my opinion Stephen Hawking is one of the smartest scientists since Einstein forth. What amazes me at him is that despite saying that he is an atheist in 2014, he said once that “GOD” ( creator, divine force, some force of intelligence, etc) may exist, but he should give us more evidence about him. He is really smart because open minded scientists take in account all possibilites and he is not arrogant like the mainstream atheists are . And…he is an example for us all. He can’t walk and move, eat properly or do anything properly and there he is having a family and […]
As some of you may know, I recently had a miscarriage. I feel terrible and can’t seem to get over it and my family is not helping at all. My dad and my brother call me fat literally everyday and my father is forcing me to go to the gym so I “get fit” or whatever. That breaks my heart. They don’t understand that the extra pounds I have and my tiny belly reminds me of my baby, and I’m not ready to let that go. I don’t care about looking hot or being fit right now. Plus, my mom basically keeps me under house […]
I can’t stand it anymore. Despite the fact I had a miscarriage and I feel lonely and suicidal, my parents are pushing me over the edge. I’m forced to live with my mom which gets angry at everything and she doesn’t let me do anything even though I’m almost twenty. She locks me in her house which makes me more depressed. I feel trapped, I don’t have freedom, I don’t have anything. My dad calls me fat and is trying to force me to go to the gym while I still can’t get over my miscarriage and don’t want to lose my bump. It reminds me […]
I thought I had met the most amazing guy and that he actually liked me. He promised me he would try to be with me despite it was against his religion (he is Muslim). We had a pregnancy scare but we thought it was nothing, and we went off for Winter Break. He wouldn’t even kiss me anymore because it was “wrong” but said he was trying his best to be ready for me. Once the break was over, I didn’t go back to uni and he just stopped talking to me. Soon after, I found out I was actually pregnant and he just pushed me away. He […]
The panic has started to set in again as my mum has repeatedly mentioned that I have to go back to college tomorrow.
Despite threatening to not even go into the building, she’s still insistent that I go. She warned me about if my personal tutor rings her again if I’m not in. I can’t go in. The Others are still there. They’re in my class, and I’ll die if I go in. I’ve ran out of excuses to stay off.
I’ve had multiple panic attacks this weekend just thinking about going in. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need to get out of […]
I think this photo will be the wrong way around when it posts, but oh well.
I finally went to see Deadpool yesterday, so of course I had to draw him. I don’t really like the way this turned out, but I decided to post it anyway since no one else will look at it. So, despite not leaving my room until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, I still had a productive day.
I answered;
the scariest part
is not the feeling of loneliness
o the darkness that fills you
despite the looming pain of emptiness
the scariest part
is the realization
that you have lost yourself
completely
sinking as you lay awake at 2am
because you lost the ability to sleep
and you can’t even cry
because you don’t even care
Idk if i miss you. Or rather idk if i miss the person i stopped talking to. You weren’t the same person I fell in love with. You had such a major impact on my life that no matter what i do I’ll always know it wouldn’t have happened without you. But you went from lovingly warm to ice cold. I didn’t waiver. You went from open and honest to distant and duplicitous. You pushed me away but […]
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