How do you forgive someone who has hurt you? The guy who hurt me when I was little messed me up so bad. I have a hard time trusting adults, I have a hard time being in a relationship with a guy, if my boyfriend were to touch me a certain way, like he did, I would freak out and have to distance myself from him. And my boyfriend wouldn’t understand why I was acting the way I was. I want to be normal And when my boyfriend leans in to kiss me I won’t freak out. Or if he puts his arms around me I won’t want to yell. Why does this guy have to keep ruining my life!?
How am I suppose to forgive my mom who has put me through so much. Who has left me at peoples houses so that she could go out. How do I forget that she told me all those horrible things. How do I forgive her for putting me in harms way so many times. When I needed her she wasn’t there for me/ isn’t there for me. I’m 16 an this is the time I need her.
5 comments
My heart hurts for you. You need to be able to trust someone but I can see why you don’t. But you must take another chance. What more can they do?
It sounds like you were sexually assaulted. You don’t forgive something like that. Unlearning a traumatizing experience is extremely difficult and might take decades. I don’t know if I can be of any help to you, I haven’t been in your footsteps, but in my humble opinion love is about acceptance and acknowledgement of each others strong and weak sides and more importantly about keeping an open line in communication. Talk to your boyfriend about what happened and why something reminds you of that experience and how you can get passed it. Communication is key here; Tell him in detail everything what happened and be very, VERY honoust about what you like or don’t like and why. Please understand that if he is sincere it will also push him into some heavy emotions and that he ain’t perfect either; give him time to adjust to what happened and how that correlates to what impact this made on your life. Try to establish a trust relationship by being brutally sincere about what you like or hate, but also by accepting what is hard for him and giving him enough space to deal with these hardships.
Your story breaks my heart. I have been a victim, the partner of a victim and a parent of victims. I barely remember my own abuse but the perpetrator that abused my ex was the same person that got to two of my four kids. And I haven’t forgiven anyone,
That being said, I am not saying forgiveness is not valuable. It can truly free you from the bondage of what you have been through. Forgiveness can help you to heal; in fact some say you can’t even begin to heal without first forgiving. And forgiveness can stop the constant outpouring of hatred and resentment that saps your emotional energy.
I didn’t know it at the time but for many years, every time I touched my ex I became the abuser in her mind. Everything I did was wrong. Or it wasn’t enough. And with my already fractured ego and lack of self-esteem, it cemented destruction and negativity about me in my psyche forever. I was being victimized all over again.
My point is, you deserve to be free from this bondage. Your cannot be who you really are or communicate what you truly desire until you are. And you need help sorting this out. You cannot carry this burden for the rest of your life – you don’t even know how to tell someone close to you what you are really going through because you are still feeling the feelings and thinking the thoughts that the abuse created.
It is important to find a counselor or therapist you can trust and work with. And it needs to be someone with deep experience with these issues. I am not a fan of therapeutic relationships. There are too few decent, trustworthy and capable professionals to go around but in this instance it is something I believe in. For you, healing is crucial.
Getting the help you need is the biggest gift you can give yourself. I know how hard it can be to find the right person to help you – it might take more than one try. But you are worth it. You deserve to be emotionally free to love and to be loved.
– peace
Thanks guys:)
I want to say by reading your story brought back my life in the pass. I understand and feel in way you feel. I am 41 now and I must tell you that is not for the people who hurt you but it is for you. I am not saying it is easy to forgive but by doing it, your life will change. As I said I am 41 now and it took over 35 years to forgive. During that time I held on to the hate the worthless feeling, being sick when I looked at my self and wanting to love but cant. I realize that these people that did that a long time ago was still stealing me. But after I learned to forgive a newness came upon me. They had no power over me. I was set free. Again I tell you forgiveness is for you and not the people who hurt you. Take your life and your power back. You can do it:)