Lately I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot and it is really starting to scare me. Today at work i almost climbed over the rail of the stairs to jump. I’ve almost taken too many meds, and I’ve been researching how much medication it would take to kill me. I started self harming about 2 months ago and I can’t stop, and it’s getting worse. I’m cutting deeper and longer, and I crave the blood.
The last couple of days I’ve been feeling really strange. I feel sad, but not sad. It’s almost an empty feeling but I can feel something in my stomach. It’s like a lump, and it just feels odd and strange and I don’t like it. I hate the numbness. My girlfriend warned me that the meds I got put on might make me feel like this, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this bad. I still cry sometimes, but only if I know I’m hurting or scaring other people.
I’ve been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately as well. I had 3 at work today, and I was only there for 3 and a half hours. I start hyperventilating and I can’t think straight. It’s usually then that the suicidal thoughts start. That’s why I keep cutting. Because when I cut it makes me feel like it’s a solution, and it’s keeping me alive at the moment.
I don’t think I could ever actually commit suicide, especially after my mum lost my dad to suicide, I couldn’t do that to her, not again. But at 15 I never thought I’d cut either. Now I’m 19 and cutting happens almost everyday. I don’t know what to do, I want to get better, but I’m afraid that if I get better I won’t be me anymore.
1 comment
Hi.
Thank you for sharing this, honestly. I don’t know how you got into this crisis (you probably don’t, either) or how to help you to get out again, but it’s probably already good to know that someone cares and listens. I hope it is.
I never really knew what “that feeling” was, either, but meanwhile I’d describe it as “realizing you’re falling”. It’s too late to grab hold on something, but too soon to really feel the fear and the nausea. You know (and feel) that you’re going to feel them and you’re scared of that moment, though. And, what’s probably most important, you feel like there’s nothing you can do.
I don’t know anything about your story or your past, but you’ve gone through a lot, I guess. I can’t help but feel sorry for the loss of your father. I don’t know what it means to you or what it’s like, but most children don’t have to deal with things like that. I know there are always people who have to carry even more, but it’s not a competition.
The cutting is nothing glorious, of course, but I’m rather in favour of it as long as it helps to keep you going. I know that you can need it sometimes (I did), even if it’s just to remind you that you’re still a human being after all. It can even be helpful to have the scars left as a reminder of what you’ve gone through and that you actually made it, even if it was dreadful.
I wish you the best. I really do.
Good luck,
-R.