My story

I feel like I need to share my whole story with someone and this forum seems very welcoming. So, hello everyone! Name is Sam, I am a 23 year old from south west UK working as a PA.

I am 8 weeks into treatment for Depression however I am not sure how effective the medicine is as I still feel like I want and need to die.

I first suffered from depression aged 13, I had no friends at school, my dad had severe ME and was signed off work. My mum was under massive pressure to care for my dad and work full time to provide for us. We never had much money and I regularly went hungry as a child, my parents never smoked or drank we were just poor. I began to cut myself and never felt hungry so usually forced half of my evening meal down myself just to satisfy my family. No body ever knew I was suffering from depression but I knew I was, I spoke to no one about it. Probably because I planned on ending my life. I had a weekend job in a cafe and forced myself to continue it and slipped the money I earnt into my mothers purse. This went on for about a year and one day I literally woke up and felt better… I had lost a lot of weight and had scars on my arms but gradually life got better.

I had several bad sexual experiences in my teens, lost my virginty aged 19 in a nightclub toilet to some guy who I have no idea who he was. Then two months later was raped by a friend of mine. I was forced to report this to the police by a friend, I did so anonymously and put the event behind me. Life went on and I decided that I was gay and found myself what I thought was a lovely girl. We had a nice two years generally but I saw my friends less and less and spent more and more time doing what she wanted with her family. Before I knew it I had given up everything in life to stay home with her family while her father was dying of oesophageal cancer. He passed away 8 months later, I watched him die over time and I guess it traumatised me… A month after he died (3 and a half years into the relationship) my (now) ex thanked me by cheating on me and never speaking to me again. Life goes on,I picked myself and dusted myself off. Spent several months partying and having a genuine good time. I go into work one day and the police have left a message on my answer machine. I call them back and they are wanting to interview me about the historic rape. I am fuming because they lied to me when they said it was anonymous. I am interviewed on three separate occasions and eventually I ask them not to contact me again because I don’t want to be a part of the new allegations involving attempted murder.

Meanwhile I have a phone call from a prison asking if my ex (male) could contact me, I agree because I could never get him out of my head. we write weekly and end up declaring our love for each other. He won’t be out for another four years and then will be in a hostel for a while etc etc. I am not convinced we will work as he too cheated on me. like everyone else I have ever been with has.

So right now, I feel suicidal. I almost killed myself two weeks ago but my friend text me just in time. I think I fancy her to be honest…but she is married with children. So now I feel extra shit because she said I can text her when I need to but I feel I can’t because she has a busy life plus I pretty much fancy her…

My head is so fucked up. I don’t know who or what I like. I can see no future for myself, I live with my parents and will do forever because house prices are so high around here. I avoid all social situations and the only way out is to die but I am too cowardly to go through with it.