My story

I find this page this One day when I was in the point of suicide. I was wondering and I just get into the Internet to find a a swear like if someone else feel like I did and yes. So I need to tell someone everything I feel before I blow up and my story to know if someone feels like I do or have the same I do.

My name Nobody really cares but I’m a teenager and have had depression for almost five years, recently I discover i am bipolar I got bipolar disorder II plus eszquizo/affectivity depression. My family form my dad side had depression bloodline and also Bipolarity my Grandnie, she had a lot of Sickness plus mental disorders and my dad also had major Bipolarity disorder so he tend to be very aggressive and bad humered guy. Or euphoric or sad. It’s weird because live with that changes are actually pretty awful like right now I know.
My mom is really strong woman she had fight hard throw all of this disaster we had been living but she’s getting tired and she’s not the same she had turn colder with me and I know it had to be okay because she had been throw this like me but lately she had break my hearts more times than anyone she had been getting colder with me and she’s telling a lot of things she’s judging me and I don’t feel okay wth her anymore.
My mom and dad divorce when I was three years old little kid, my dad was catch in infidelity( btw he’s married with the woman he commit infidelity) I got two big sisters and my mom almost got into a depression because of dad we move away from home and move back with my mom grandma that she lives in a horrible place btw, but anyway that was my home for almost eleven years. My mom used to let me in my grandnie(dad) home, in the first five years because after well I get into kindergarten and we live in different states my dad lives in one and my mom, mom’s mom and me lived in another. Well in one of those visits to my dads grandnie I was violated by someone that was part of that family, I didn’t know what was happening years after I learn what had happen and I keep feeling so disgusting of myself I hated and hate my body and self so hard sometimes I feel like I’m worst than a prostitute. After that I never liked someone to touch me, I get mad if someone touch my legs or arms I just remember what someone did to me when I was only 4 years old, I was so pure and so little but that person broke something in me that start the war that I’m having right know, does that someone is ashamed? No it’s so hypocrite because I see this person a lot (my dads family doesn’t know) and what this person said hi to me like something like that never happen. Only my mom and grandnie in my mom side know about this. Plus my psychiatric and psychologist and neurologist. Now in this teenage dreams everything has explote, I remember my violation really well. And I got my Bipolarity diagnostic so everything has been dark for a big while.
I don’t feel worth it, I feel sad and depressed, I change my moods constantly I scream to people I love the most I hurt them on and on. I got lot of headaches and pains in my body sometimes I wonder if I got cancer. Sometimes I had wish I have and I feel ashamed about it, I believe in God and Jesus christ as my only, that’s why I don’t kill myself because I don’t want to go to hell but that’s the only thing that holds me I don’t know if I am so bad for that? But I really feel tired of living?