Things haven’t been going well at all…
I just float through life, trying to hold on to something.. seemingly anything there is to try and hold on to. I don’t want to be alone..alone in my life, in how I feel, in how I think and in how I see things from my perspective. I’m not done with this life yet, I don’t want to die like this..
From my wife leaving me, and never even sending so much as a hello via….? Nothing! ..to the sudden realization of mental illness….to constantly losing my job..never being good enough..to being right out used and brutally attacked…and the permanent pain I live with getting worse.. there’s no end.. the ghosts don’t rest to give me a second of peace in this world. And they follow me everywhere I go, showing through the smiles and the promises. Showing right through my forced will to care about myself and anything about this world.
I don’t know if it’s night or day..
I cant tell if I’ve eaten…
I don’t even know if I can pay my rent and my bills or if I have already or not… I’m delusional to anything going on in my life.. I don’t want it…I don’t need it..
I’m following the example set by C4, to live out of my truck and the kindness of my family and friends. I’m not gonna stop working but I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live in a home anymore, I don’t live in a very cold part of the world so there no need for shelter all year. I’m just wasting money on rent. I have no wife and no kids and all I do is work work work, but I don’t have anything real for myself. I’m going to start over..reset this game. I’m gonna do this for me. Fuck everyone else. I cant depend on anyone but myself anyways, and I’m never keeping anything for myself. Now it’s time to buckle down and save my cash for the first time.
I’ll start this spring, by then my whole house will be empty and I’ll be out of this blood sucking game of living paycheck to paycheck. I won’t be a bum, cuz I’ll have places to shower and crash if I really want to. But if I had my way I’d go wherever the hell I wanted whenever I wanted, and that starts by ditching the rent payment. Fuck it, I hate my life anyways… what do I have left to lose?
9 comments
Hey, what about your fish? Can fish in an aquarium survive in the back of a pickup truck?
I hope things work out for you. I’ll probably head down to SD county for the winter. If you see me around hit me up – I’ll buy you a beer.
I’m surprised you remember I had the fish, but I guess I mentioned it a lot, trying to give people advice on how to cope with solitude and stress. Yeah I’m gonna miss these fish most of all but I’ll still have them cuz I’m donating them to a preschool near my parents house where I’ll probably end up stopping by every week to make sure they are taking care of them. I’m gonna try to just let them go eventually but they’ve been my pets for 7 years and through probably both the best and hardest times in my life. I have to free myself from them though.
Thanks C4, and thanks for the inspiration. Not sure what SD county is, but I’m somewhere near the Santa Clara County I think. So if you swing by through there just post a comment to one of my posts and I’ll eventually see it. I hope you are doing good out there. Peace
Hey brother! Just swung by for the first time in quite a while. I’m both glad to see you here and sad to see that things haven’t got better for you. I wish there was a magic cure for ur pain brother, both physical and emotional I’d gladly find it for you but unfortunately beyond weed not much else I can suggest. I think prehaps checking out of the rat race can have its benefits. Why work if it makes you miserable nd contributes little to your life. Live the way you want to brother. Go where u want, when you want nd try nd enjoy yourself. You can live with little money, so go explore. Sell weed or something. When it’s all over you might as well look back in life laughing and content with what you’ve done instead of wishing u did it different. Live the way you want, fuck everything else! I’d write more but I’m on the phone 🙁
It’s good to see you staying away from this place procel, and living your life.
Yeah, work is killing me…but it’s really the uncertainty of it all that bothers me.. how long I’ll have a job is always the question. I simply can’t do this anymore so I’m giving up the one thing I don’t even really have and dont really need in life right now, which is a home. I don’t need this place reminding me of how much I failed. I’d rather live with nothing, showing me what’s left in my life that can be rebuilt
Hey RT (and Procel and C4)
I always love seeing names i remember 🙂
@RT – I kinda like how you turn your own (OP) post around from a sad resignation to a positive determination … it makes me wonder if the think holding you back the most is “holding on” to those “old ghosts” and former ways and times in life that simply are no more than memories (be they good or bad)?We cannot recapture past glories and we certainly shouldn’t try to relive past disasters – i think that goes without saying 😛 … we can only take stock of our current situation. do an inventory of what we have at our disposal and cobble together the best practical plan and set forth to achieve it.
I probably know better than most the difficulties trying to grind through work and daily life with chronic (physical) pain … it’s a ************ and I’d be lying if i said it never cast a darkness and futility over even the most positive times. It sucks
I wish you well in your endeavors, my friend. I hope you find the means and strength to live for you – how you want, the way that makes you the most happy (under given circumstances). There is absolutely nothing wrong with living frugally – in fact, that is how the richest people become and stay rich … but “rich” is more than possessions and money.
Live for you – but don’t compromise your values and principles and the essence of the things that make you “You”
Best of luck my friend(s)
dawg
Thanks Dawg, it’s good to see you still around too, living for you.
I’ve been pretty fucked lately though.. my parents had to help me pay rent and I can’t seem to find the effort to make myself do anything but sit here. It’s really eating me. I need to apply for unemployment but i cant seem to focus on that either. Idk what’s wrong with me. I just want my life to be over already. There’s no point in any of this. I keep trying to find reason. And here I am, almost 100% sure there’s no hope for me..now all of a sudden this girl starts texting me again put tying my mind in overload ..cuz I keep trying to find reason to fight, but I don’t feel it
It really hurts
You seem overwhelmed right now. You’ve had a lot happen in a short period of time and you’re overloaded. I’ve been there many times and it’s a *****. It’s like walking a thousand miles only to find you have to climb the tallest mountain to get where you’re going. Yet it CAN be done … sure the mountain looks foreboding and impossible, when you look at the WHOLE massive mountain and the seemingly futile task of overcoming the obstacle.
BUT … it CAN be overcome … in small bits … one step at a time …
When we look at the total picture, it seems too much, but when you break it down in to manageable milestones and tasks – each individual bit isn’t really that hard at all … you’ve just got to prioritize and navigate ONLY the most immediate task and ignore the rest until that ONE task is done … only then can you assess the next task … one at a time … step by step … eventually you start seeing progress.
I know all to well the futility and overwhelm you feel … but you HAVE to put everything else out of your mind (put on back burner) and ONLY focus on getting the unemployment taken care of … nothing else matters except that … once that is complete, only then, can you take the next step.
You can do this … and you do each little step WHILE you’re looking for your reasons to continue … maybe you’ll find them and more along the way of doing your tasks. If the girl texting is a distraction, ignore it until you have stabilized your mind – you can’t save a person if you yourself are falling … you need to be on stable footing first.
One thing at a time – at any time you can choose to “get off” the ride … but in the mean time, if you are going to stay on the ride, you will have to do the tasks in front of you … it doesn’t cost you anything and you (if i read correctly) weren’t busy doing anything else anyway, so just go get the unemployment thing resolved. Do it without thinking about it … because if you stop to think, you’ll stall (that’s what I have a habit of doing – in fact, i’m doing that now by typing here 😛 ) …
Task > GO!
procrastinator dawg
If I had a gun, I’d blow my head off ..right….now
cmon, man. you have skills, talent. your friends are right,live for you. evrything you described i am experiencing in my life.no rent, no job, no hope. then i read your friends post. they help. you helped. im so scared, and want to stop crying, but i dont know what to do. lost in a world i dont understand. its funny, this website is the only place i have been able to find help and solace. i reckon its that old “it takes one to know one” theory. its a lot eaisier to talk about with people who know what your dealing with. thanks to all of you and peace