It’s a struggle to get through the day. Often I get off work and first thing I do is drink myself to sleep, around 4pm, it only takes me about 30 minutes and I’m asleep, good ol tequila….but the rest of my life is pain. I constantly think of suicide. I heard her voice this morning, when she came to pick up the dog, she was laughing with my roommates…perfectly fine…perfectly happy. When I wake up in tears daily. It always comes back to this. I am 24 years old, a lesbian, and I am constantly coming back to this depression. Sure there are breaks sometimes, but they don’t last long and always end in what seems like worse pain then before.
I dont know if it’s worth waiting it out to see if things get better. The Golden Gate Bridge is only a $20 taxi ride away, maybe that is my option. But I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to feel miserable all the time. And death often seems like the better route. Idk I need some friends who understand this pain…
3 comments
There’s not much I can say, I can’t help to take away your pain, I wish I could, all I can say is that I feel for you. I have a problem that causes me social difficulties and paranoia, I feel depressed about it and sometimes suicide seems the only way out. I don’t want to die, I want to live, but, like you, to live without the pain, you’re not alone to want to live and yet see suicide as an answer. I would fear jumping off a bridge, would I die outright, would I change my mind on the way down, would I be able to jump in the first place, I doubt it, please don’t go that way. Talking does help, more so if you find someone who has experienced it as well, as you say, you need someone who understands. I also use a phone helpline when the darkness really hits, I know it’s not the whole answer, but it helps get me through.
I’m sorry you feel like this. I know what it’s like to be sick of living but not wanting to die either.
Also, I vacationed in San Francisco once and took a helicopter tour where the pilot actually flew under the bridge. Holy jeez is that thing high.