Where do you go when there is no where to go but down? My feelings of hopelessness and helplessness have escalated to the point that I have convinced myself that my purpose for being has been fulfilled and anything left in life is just “fluff”.
I pray daily that Jesus will come…soon. I don’t really want to die but I don’t want to continue this perpetual cycle of disappointment and failure. If Jesus were to come, he would take us all to eternal bliss.
I have a solid education and extensive professional experience, yet I have been unemployed now for three months. The only interviews I can net are with companies that I “know” someone in. I have only been living in my town for 2 years so I don’t have the “connections” to get ins. I am now only a month away from losing my home and everything I have worked so hard for in the past years.
I took 4 years off from my career to care for my mother in my home, who had Alzheimer disease (which by the way was the most rewarding and useful thing I have ever done – now that she has passed, I truly believe my purpose for creation has been fulfilled).
I do feel that I am humble. My education is an MBA-Healthcare Administration, I have been a business owner, and a manager/supervisor at good levels, but I am now applying for jobs in the $25,000-$30,000 range just to get something. I fear even that is hopeless. Maybe I can’t get a job to pay my bills but if I could just pay my house payment, I have plenty of blankets to keep warm over the winter and candles can light the night.
How do you pull yourself out of the funk? How do I keep telling myself that I have value? I am a woman of faith, but how do I convince myself that God isn’t mad at me? I have ALWAYS said that suicide is NEVER the solution, so why do I keep thinking about it and going against the very grain I have always preached? How much do I have to lose to pull out of rock bottom and what if I never get myself pulled out of rock bottom?
I do not drink or do drugs though I feel I understand now why people do if it really does take away the pain…temporarily even. I don’t do that stuff because it makes me physically ill (alcohol anyway) so there is no worry that I will “hit the bottle”.
Thank you for listening to my ramblings.
6 comments
I’ve been praying for Jesus to come for a very long time now… and I continue to pray. It’s been a long few years. I have a college education as well and the job market locally is tight (and that’s saying it nicely).
Use the online job boards, see if people at your church are hiring (even if it’s something temporary), and volunteer while you’re looking (maybe they’ll later bring you in-house paid). If you need to during the holiday season, work some retail hours. It will give you a paycheck for five – six weeks… maybe longer. No; it probably won’t cover a house payment. But something is better than nothing.
I’ve spent countless hours asking why God is mad at me. It was hard to convince me otherwise. I’ve had a dark cloud hanging over me for quite a while. The days alternate between dark and darker… but I still try. That’s the best advice I can give you. Try and don’t give up. As long as you have your own back, you’ll have a chance.
Don’t give up on yourself.
Hi.
I think there’s a sense in suffering (I don’t believe in God, though).
It makes for caring, experienced people like you who are able to understand human behaviour (because they care to), and to help others.
I think most of the contributors to this site are more or less that way and I’ve met so many special and really precious people on here.
Good luck, both of you.
I wish you the best.
-R.
Hi Remembrance… I found this site a few years ago during an especially dark time. After a nice welcome and me unloading what was happening in my life, I felt a little bit better. Things are still rough in life… some days are rougher than others… but this site’s community helps at least a little bit. Thanks for being part of it.
I’m glad caring for your mother was rewarding for you. You must have had a great relationship with her, and that’s certainly something to cherish. That said, you need to be there for yourself, even more than you were for your mom. (I am speaking from bitter experience here– I have also taken years out of my life to care for my mother.) Your purpose in life is to pursue what makes you happy, always acting in accordance with your personal values. If caring for your mother was that rewarding, have you considered volunteering in activities for the elderly in the community where you live? Some of them (or staff/volunteers you work with) could have good job connections. At the very least you get a reference and recent work experience for your resume. If you have accumulated diverse life experiences and connections with diverse people from all walks of life, you might draw on such sources of wisdom for your ‘purpose’ in life as well.
(BTW If you’re shooting for humility, you might not want to refer to yourself as a bodhisattva.)
Thank you all for your support. I have done some volunteering, with that hope, but nothing has come of it quick enough so I am scrambling. I guess I will try to waitress – I think at least with that I have “some” control of how much I make (if I am polite, if I don’t mess up orders :).
I too know the logic that God does not “get mad” at us, but it definitely feels like I have wronged Him in some unimaginable way. I cannot accept that His will for me is to be unemployed, unmarried, and with no love to give or receive….God IS love. That’s where I get myself so confused and where my lack of purpose fits in.
I have always truly believed that everything happens for a reason, I just don’t know how much longer I want to wait to understand those reasons.
Thank you for your kind words everyone.
You are a fighter. Keep it up.
“The sun only begins to rise after the darkest of night”