Suicide has been my main preoccupation for the past few months, primarily resulting from an intense burst of unbelievable drama. Let’s just say it had to do with an ex-boyfriend I love dearly and who was on the precipice of never talking to me again (because I broke up with him) which was this huge ticking time bomb floating above my head just counting down the seconds until it exploded. And explode it did. The explosion was catalyzed by a backstabbing by my sister where she not only stuck the knife in deep, but then twisted it, dumped salt into the blood-soaked wound, and then held her hands up innocently as if she couldn’t be blamed for anything.
Suicide has this interesting little catch-22. You want to kill yourself because someone isn’t in your life. However, you can’t tell them you want to kill yourself because they aren’t in your life because then you come off as being manipulative and coercive and doing something horrible to said person. On the other hand, if this person is in your life, you wouldn’t want to kill yourself, so you’re just supposed to keep your lips shut when your life is at stake?
On the note of planning your suicide, how in-depth should you go? I started out planning the method. Okay, check. But if you’re going to take the time to plan the method, the location, the day, shouldn’t you go a step further? Should I plan on who finds me? Should I set up a meet-up with someone so that way my body isn’t rotting in my apartment for 5 days before someone notices I’m gone? Do you leave the door unlocked so someone can get in easily, or do you go with the dramatic flare of the door needing to be broken down? What should you put in a suicide note? In my current state, I feel adamant about throwing the blame on my ex-boyfriend by saying “if you had just talked to me, this wouldn’t have happened”, which is the truth, but isn’t it a bit bitchy to have someone feel guilty for your death? I mean, they’re likely going to live for another 70 years and is it really worth them having to have that little tiny bullet of guilt wedged in their brain that long? Okay, so you take the “high road” and say you love this person and don’t put blame anywhere. Well then that just seems kind of anticlimactic. If you’re dead, won’t you no longer care about what goes on in everyone else’s life? I mean if we’re going to get all noble, why not sell all your things and then pay off a credit card or two so that way whoever gets your debt when you die (which I tried to look up but then got immensely bored) won’t have as much of a burden. Or since you’re going to die, why not take all of your money and spend it on something lavish and frivolous and let everything become someone else’s problem? I mean considering that everyone around you hasn’t killed themselves, they’re likely stronger and more equipped to deal with it anyway. Seriously, I don’t know how so many people get through their days/weeks/years.
And at what point do you just screw the planning and take the pills and whatever happens next, just…. happens?
3 comments
Lots of interesting thoughts there. I’ll skip to the last part of your question and say I don’t plan anything regarding who finds me and how it affects others. I believe death = nonexistence. So the minute I die, my entire universe disappears. With that in mind it feels weird making plans for what happens after I’m a corpse.
I once thought I could use my suicide as a way to draw people’s attention to a bigger problem. Like for example the Buddhist who lit himself on fire in protest. There are a lot of things I’d like to die for. But when it comes right down to it, I know my suicide will be desperate, impulsive & selfish. Probably won’t even bother to write a note.
About planning the actual deed, there have been people here who have gone to great lengths to plan every detail, time, place, etc. I admire those folks. I have a vague idea of the method, but I’m not sure when or where. With me, the moment I know for sure I’m going to kill myself, it’s as good as done. Like I said, it’ll be impulsive and desperate. It’s hard to stick to any plan when you’re like that.
Which brings us to the catch-22 about telling people beforehand. It is, isn’t it? The way I’ve dealt with it is to let everyone know way ahead of time. Like in casual conversations, I’ll just inform them that I believe in suicide and intend to do it one day.
Most people don’t take me seriously. A few people get upset and try to talk to me about it for a little while. But eventually everyone gets bored with the subject and acts like I never mentioned it.This is beautiful because, in my mind, I have asked for help and I have warned everyone and given them the opportunity to save me, but no one has. So with a clear conscience I can blow my skull out, knowing it shouldn’t be a total surprise. Those who should feel guilty will. But I really won’t care at that point.
Interesting, thanks for the reply. I can definitely see the appeal of a “desperate, impulsive, and selfish” suicide which matches the overall feeling of wanting to kill yourself. Also maybe if you plan too much, you’ll end up psyching yourself out or use it as a means to procrastinate….
You mentioned you’ve given people the opportunity to save you. What would this rescue come in the form of?
My preoccupation too