The reason that I hated the medication was not only because it made what little wits I had disappear….it was because of the false “happiness” that it seemed to give me. Not even happiness…all it did was tarnish the true feelings of sadness, invalidated it by erasing the memories of what caused my pain. So I was left with the sadness, the depression, but a feeling that I was inflicting it upon myself, making me feel even more worthless. As if this pain was…made up. All in my head. I want to run away into space and never come back. I want to disappear. So many of us have said it: I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to be dead. Fate isn’t that kind.
There came a point when therapy didn’t help anymore, if it ever did. Because talking didn’t eliminate the depression even if it made me realize why it was there. And having someone to talk to was just as useless as none at all. It is not an occasional thought, it is ALWAYS there. Every minute, second, hour of the day. Begging me to just do it. I have gotten a call back on a job which was goal one. Once I have saved enough money for a car, I will commit to goal 2 of the plan which is to save up for funeral costs. The goal 3 the last phase of the plan. Purchasing the key to the gateway of release. If I can wait that long…
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Gosh what the heck kind of meds were you taking? There are treatments out there that work, medications even. I had treatment resistant depression and it took years but the doctors found the right treatments and now talk therapy and group therapy is meaningful. I told my therapist last month even that every session is valuable to me and I take something away. Maybe it is the chemistry between patient and therapist, i don’t know. There is hope to feel well, you deserve it. Give yourself a second chance and then a third and fourth. It’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it. Good luck.