Hi everyone! Soo for starters, I’m not really sad or depressed, tho i’ve struggled with that a lot in the past. I’m not mentally ill or delusional, at least i don’t think lol? I’m 19, considered really pretty, i have friends, plenty if guys to date, and a wonderful amazing family i love to bits.
But I really want to die. My reasons are complicated and really personal and paaartially to with unchangeable stuff in my life but basically i’m just…done. I don’t think there’s much more i can gain from living this life anymore and i figure whatever comes next even if its complete oblivion is a welcome change! Tbh, im completely unhappy, miserable amd unfufilled every single day and every day is a bigger burden to carry on
So basically this. I’ve always kinda romanticized dying and have thought of a million and one lovely ways and places to die but i kind of realize how selfish that is…to anyone who has to find me and also to my mother.
If i die…my mothers life will be over the second she finds out definitively. She will literally lose it and never come back. So i want to think of a way to kill myself where i just sort of…go missing? And am never ever found again. If theres that “what if” i know she’ll hold on for years and years hoping…eventually she’ll probably be able to come to terms with it without losing it, hopefully, cuz she had time.
I also dont want her knowing it was suicide becaise she’ll blame herself and feel so much worse.
Are there any places i can permanently go missing that dont involve water?
13 comments
Going “missing ” is horrible. The thoughts going thru a parents head are fast and never good. It’d be torture either way imo. You write well and probably present well, are you sure you have nothing to offer the world?
Usually I’d agree with you! But def not in my case. my mom is an expert at lying to herself about stuff she can’t handle. Shed use that to carry on I know it. It’d be so much better than hde just knowing
And well a lot of people might tell you I do. If you asked someone else who I am they’d say ohh shes beautiful, smart, funny, etc etc. But there’s so much more to it and I really am sick of this life..but not sad anymore. Like I used to cry and cut over it and I’m past all that…..and I realize i just can’t live THIS life anymore.
And I’m actually okay with it. I’m okay with everything these days, its kinda peaceful, like in a way that’s hard to describe you know?And I really do feel like…okay this is the direction i wanna go in. Like…not for a few years, I wanna plan carefully, but its my plan.
Dude, wait until you’re at least 25. Seriously. Shit sometimes calms down by then in terms of impulse control and your brain will be pretty much done developing by then. I know what is not helpful, really, and I understand how you feel about not even being upset at the idea of dying and being so tired of living, but make sure you do everything possible for YOURSELF (not your in denial, probably narcissistic mom) that you can before you make your choice. You’ve got time to figure it out at 19, time to see how pervasive everything is going to be for you. Maybe planning it solidly for maybe 6 years from now will bring you enough peace to actually see some improvement in your life. You know? Set a date in your head so the pressure is off of you in the present to always feel happy, because you’ll have a getaway plan. It might actually help you help yourself. Whatever you do, DO NOT live your life seeking validation from parents and dudes, and whomever, try to not live for their needs and feelings if it means that you never get it have any of your own. Good luck
I’m scared for you because I know that calm feeling. It’s so peaceful and it feels so right. Damn, I hope you don’t go.
But why? You’re on this site too so obvs its not such a horrible thing in your mind right?
I’ve lived a lot longer than you. I’ve seen death, often and usually messy. I’m here trying to find a purpose to it all. I know there are beautiful ones out there that can change things. I’m trying to find them.
That came out shitty. Look, I’m no better than you, just older. I thought about the knife, the gun, the car off the ledge many times. But I’m glad I didn’t then. I got to see some amazing things, not the least was my daughter. When she sang I cried. When she lied to me I cried. But it was all living and that is good. With her gone now there’s simply no reason to fight the fight.
Yeah I attempted suicide too at age 17. Haven’t really stopped wanting to die since then…just now I want it in a different way.
And yeah I know you’re older…I don’t want to get there! The kind of person I am…imagining myself at 40 is so scary. Because I won’t have anything left to give. And I’ll be alone. Not just lonely but alone. You know? People want put up with me anymore and I’ll be nothing…worthless.
I know there’s good in life….but I don’t think there’s enough good left in ME to feel it ever again. If I ever even did
I won’t tell you not to kill yourself. That is your right and your choice.
I don’t have any idea what your personal reasons are, so i can not comment on them.
What I can do is point out is the following;
Life is not just a one-shot affair, unless you choose to make it so.
At 20 my life changed completely. At 40 my life changed completely. Again at 60.
Each phase was totally different, with it’s own joys, pain, experiences.
To try and project how you will be at 40 is not possible. You will be completely different.
So if you carry on there will be new experiences, joy and pain. If you choose to explore life.
As they say in my part of the world, up to you. Good luck with whatever you decide.
I’ve fantasized about going some place far away, maybe out of the country even, and cutting all contact with everyone I know before I committed suicide, so they wouldn’t know. But that would take a lot of money, and I don’t know how to make it so the police and whatnot don’t contact any of your family about it. And I’m not sure how to commit suicide without your body being found. Maybe if it was in a remote enough place where no one ever went, though I don’t know where that might be.
You might just have to hang around for your mom, if you don’t want her to lose it.
LostGirl020,
Without knowing your situation – and realizing that you said your reasons for wishing to die were complicated – I find it difficult to understand quite why you are determined to end your life, especially as you said you were not really sad or depressed and actually have a lot going for you, in addition to being aware of how devastating your death would be for your mother. Again, however, I don’t know your circumstances, so that’s fair enough.
I have to agree with JoeytheGreat – as a true crime buff and someone with a particular interest in missing persons cases, I have seen the torment a family endures when a loved one is missing. I believe most of them would tell you they would rather find out for certain that their missing family member is deceased than go on wondering for years and imagining what terrible things have happened/are happening to them. Again, however, you do know your mother better than any of us and again, that’s fair enough.
I realize nobody understands how you are feeling better than you, but it does sound as if you have the potential to live a great life. I hope you reconsider what you are looking into. Best wishes.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
Any reason why you don’t want it to involve water? The ocean is the great equalizer. It erases everything & everyone. And all you need is to rent a $25 motorboat for a day.
Aside from that, there are some thick forests you could easily lose yourself in. In the USA there are the Appalachians on the east, the Rockies on the west. If you’re careful not to have any id, they may never be able to identify the body.
If I choose the anonymous way, it would be the ocean first, or maybe the Rockies. Grand Canyon seems rather romantic, too.
That said, can I ask more about your reasons? I know you purposely didn’t get into it which is fine. But for someone with a seemingly “good life” to want death, it’s unusual and I wonder if it’s similar to my reasons. I don’t have a good life, but I could if I wanted to. Instead I’m making the conscious choice to die simply because nobody/nothing has ever convinced me that there is a purpose to life, other than just living or being happy or having babies or whatever it is we humans do.
Well I know life is pointless and I’m not here to tell you that suicide is not an option. Suicide is indeed an option but a permanent one. More like a last resort. So it’s good to know that however bad it may seem right now you have that option.
You said you were pretty, well believe it or not, it’s really important. It gives you confidence. And you have friends and I presume you are healthy. So, were I you, I’d first try to deal with my problems, however unchangeable they might seem, and if I didn’t succeed I’ll always have my exit card 🙂
P.S. I may seem a bit optimistic but believe me I’m not. There’s not a single day that I don’t think of suicide. I know I will eventually get there. This is just how I reason with myself to make the ride easier!