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it hurts to have a roommate who thinks that people are weak for getting help for their mental problems. i have tried and failed on that front, but there are so many people who need it to survive and function normally. i also suspect that her opinions are heavily based in her masking her own mental health issues, which to me are very apparent (i want to say she exhibits signs of either borderline personality or bipolar). yesterday when she came back she told me that she “made a friend,” whatever the fuck that means. she made a friend, nonetheless, and this friend apparently attempted suicide last semester. i felt so horrible for the thoughts that i had, and i still feel horrible for feeling this way in general. “why would she tell her about her attempt?”, “why is she so open about her self-hatred?”, “why didn’t she pick a more lethal method?”. the last one always gets me every time. overdoses on most medications/OTC pills make no logical sense to me with respect to a good suicide attempt. nine times out of ten, it just isn’t going to work. i don’t know why they don’t understand this! all you have to do is research (and i use this term lightly) suicide methods for a fraction of a second to realize that it’s not recommended if the end goal is death. god. i wish this wasn’t me, i wish i didn’t think this way and sound so hateful. i sound so pro-death, and to an extent i am–people should have the right to die when they want to die. but if you’re overdosing, you might feel like you want to die but you don’t actually want to die. i don’t know. i don’t want to put feelings into other people’s hearts that might not be true and that arise merely from my own postulations. i think it also bothers me that i’m so closed off about my feelings that only internet randoms know and that one person i tried to talk to. but i mean, if i do want to commit suicide one day, i need as few people as possible to know, right? so maybe i’ve set a good path for myself.