I’m in tears tonight. Not entirely sure what triggered it right now, but I’m hurting and I just don’t want to be here at all. I’m just ready to leave this world.
I feel the same. Maybe for different reasons: lost job, loosing my house, no friends anymore because I’m so good at becoming a hermit, no money-had to beg for public assistance for the first time in my life- I sit here and read what you wrote and I can tell you as I stood in my kitchen tonight, cutting into a roast I found myself making an extra big cut for my lost best friend, my puppy, my soul mate, the purest soul that has ever walked the face of this planet and cried. I held him 2 years ago when he drew his last breath and told him it was OK to go while every part of me was screaming, “DON’T LEAVE ME!” Christmas has always been miserable and now the most miserable part are the memories that won’t go away! I sat, at his grave, in the cold and just begged for someone, anyone to take me. No one heard. I’m in the process of loosing everything including my faith (pagan). I feel useless and the loneliness is just too much sometimes. Yes, I have a plan. No, I don’t want anyone to stop me. Why should they? I contribute nothing. Giving up is easier than trying to hold on to a piece of drift wood. When I stumbled onto this site I found your post and maybe, I just thought for the minute it takes to register, I wanted to say, “I feel the pain as acutely as a thin man feels the cold. I understand you and perhaps if we were closer…? I could say you’re not alone.” Crying again now, no sleep for 2 days and none in sight. Have to go….
Me too. I told a friend I would try yesterday, and I did, but for the last 3 hours I have just been falling apart. It’s been an awful day.
I wish you didn’t feel like this too. I wish you a better tomorrow and a world free of the hurt you feel.
I feel numb and completely helpless and am almost ready to just disappear, but I have no will power to do so. I try to distract myself all the time by reading, writing or watching something and I always end up in that same frame of mind …i feel pathetic so pathetic , but I guess it’s life hey …it makes us believe we’re in control of it until it fucks us over in the end …I’m sorry you are suffering, I’m so sorry
None of you are alone. That much I know as true. I wish my faith was stronger right now but it’s all I can do to get from one hour to the next without breaking down or following thru on my plan. I wish you all weren’t hurting and-no that’s not life. It’s existing and I wonder how people can “live?” There is so much loss and so much pain that it’s blinding if not crippling. I sat at my baby boy’s grave again last night from 10:00 until dawn. I cried and begged for the end. Why doesn’t anyone hear me? There I sat in the sleet and snow with a hooded robe on and a candle burning just begging to be taken away from all this. I heard no answers or words of comfort. Am I just deluding myself that any God or Goddess cares? Where are those people that said they were my friends? No answer on the phone. No replies via email. I guess all of them are too busy being with their real friends and families getting ready for the new year. All I want from 2015 is to be released from the constant reminders of what was. I’ve been writing a book for over a year now and it all seems idiotic to me when I read it. I try to work on the pre WWII kimonos I got when I had a good job and got sent to Kyoto to ascertain if Japanese silk is better than China silk. My one highlight was meeting the kimono makers and Geisha. They were amused that I thought their kimonos were exquisite and found myself with 2 from the okia they were from that had never been finished. It was a beautiful gift and I just sit and look at what I have to embroider and sew to finish them and the joy is gone. Yes, I am a man that sews and does needle work in addition to the other things I can do like cook-but what’s the point if I think the food tastes like sawdust and no one is there to eat it? I can’t offer much but I can offer my hand and heart to anyone who wants to be a friend. The most I can do is try. I wish you didn’t hurt and I wish we all didn’t want to diminish. If you want to email me direct: otterman038@yahoo.com. I can talk. I can listen. I can try to understand. I miss my baby bo so much! Why? Why did he have to leave me?
4 comments
I feel the same. Maybe for different reasons: lost job, loosing my house, no friends anymore because I’m so good at becoming a hermit, no money-had to beg for public assistance for the first time in my life- I sit here and read what you wrote and I can tell you as I stood in my kitchen tonight, cutting into a roast I found myself making an extra big cut for my lost best friend, my puppy, my soul mate, the purest soul that has ever walked the face of this planet and cried. I held him 2 years ago when he drew his last breath and told him it was OK to go while every part of me was screaming, “DON’T LEAVE ME!” Christmas has always been miserable and now the most miserable part are the memories that won’t go away! I sat, at his grave, in the cold and just begged for someone, anyone to take me. No one heard. I’m in the process of loosing everything including my faith (pagan). I feel useless and the loneliness is just too much sometimes. Yes, I have a plan. No, I don’t want anyone to stop me. Why should they? I contribute nothing. Giving up is easier than trying to hold on to a piece of drift wood. When I stumbled onto this site I found your post and maybe, I just thought for the minute it takes to register, I wanted to say, “I feel the pain as acutely as a thin man feels the cold. I understand you and perhaps if we were closer…? I could say you’re not alone.” Crying again now, no sleep for 2 days and none in sight. Have to go….
Me too. I told a friend I would try yesterday, and I did, but for the last 3 hours I have just been falling apart. It’s been an awful day.
I wish you didn’t feel like this too. I wish you a better tomorrow and a world free of the hurt you feel.
I feel numb and completely helpless and am almost ready to just disappear, but I have no will power to do so. I try to distract myself all the time by reading, writing or watching something and I always end up in that same frame of mind …i feel pathetic so pathetic , but I guess it’s life hey …it makes us believe we’re in control of it until it fucks us over in the end …I’m sorry you are suffering, I’m so sorry
None of you are alone. That much I know as true. I wish my faith was stronger right now but it’s all I can do to get from one hour to the next without breaking down or following thru on my plan. I wish you all weren’t hurting and-no that’s not life. It’s existing and I wonder how people can “live?” There is so much loss and so much pain that it’s blinding if not crippling. I sat at my baby boy’s grave again last night from 10:00 until dawn. I cried and begged for the end. Why doesn’t anyone hear me? There I sat in the sleet and snow with a hooded robe on and a candle burning just begging to be taken away from all this. I heard no answers or words of comfort. Am I just deluding myself that any God or Goddess cares? Where are those people that said they were my friends? No answer on the phone. No replies via email. I guess all of them are too busy being with their real friends and families getting ready for the new year. All I want from 2015 is to be released from the constant reminders of what was. I’ve been writing a book for over a year now and it all seems idiotic to me when I read it. I try to work on the pre WWII kimonos I got when I had a good job and got sent to Kyoto to ascertain if Japanese silk is better than China silk. My one highlight was meeting the kimono makers and Geisha. They were amused that I thought their kimonos were exquisite and found myself with 2 from the okia they were from that had never been finished. It was a beautiful gift and I just sit and look at what I have to embroider and sew to finish them and the joy is gone. Yes, I am a man that sews and does needle work in addition to the other things I can do like cook-but what’s the point if I think the food tastes like sawdust and no one is there to eat it? I can’t offer much but I can offer my hand and heart to anyone who wants to be a friend. The most I can do is try. I wish you didn’t hurt and I wish we all didn’t want to diminish. If you want to email me direct: otterman038@yahoo.com. I can talk. I can listen. I can try to understand. I miss my baby bo so much! Why? Why did he have to leave me?