I don’t even know what to say. But, I do believe that it wouldn’t matter even if I did know what to say.
I am surrounded by people, but I am alone. I have to bear the unbearable psychic pain with no relief in sight.
I am so terribly sad. I don’t understand this world. I don’t fit in here or anywhere. I am a freak.
I attempted suicide a few years ago. What brought me to that attempt was that my soul died and all that was left of me was my fleshy shell. Suicide seemed to be only the next step; kill the body that used to house the soul. But, I wasn’t successful at killing my empty body. Now, I “exist” with no soul. I am nothing.
I don’t know what to do to get rid of this pain. It is ever persistent, engulfing me, eroding me…if there is even a “me” still there.
I need help that doesn’t exist.
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A poem from Sylvia Chidi
at
http://www.poemhunter.com/
I don’t know if it provides comfort or not but it describes me
So alone in my bed
Alone listening to nightly whispers
Alone in my thoughts
Alone standing in court
Alone I stand and fight
Alone I pray for rainbow lights
Alone in the morning I awake
Alone I celebrate my joys
Alone I cry out my sadness
Alone I voice out my fears
Alone in strenght
Alone in wealth
Alone in good health
Alone I try to understand
Alone I seek knowledge
Alone I share what is mine
Alone I try not to be alone
Alone when my time has come, I pass away
Sylvia Chidi
You are not alone here. I have read many a post that echoes your statement on this site. Many of us feel that way and for good reason.
Have you considered re-examining your idea of what you are?
It’s not uncommon for people(especially on this site) to feel as though they’ve lost that part of them that enjoys life, that has hope, that loses the emotion that used to define them.
You’ve taken it a step further and identified that loss as the loss of your soul. (something that I, for one, do not believe exists in literal terms) By doing so, you’ve denied the acceptance of your existence as real or worthy and virtually eliminated hope for healing as you see it as something impossible to re-obtain.
Try to see you as you are. You ARE this person and yes, the feeling of emptiness and desolation certainly is a part of the package for those of us who visit here. But, this broken feeling, this emptiness, is something that we have developed(some quite young), not the indication of our “spirit” abandoning the body. By learning this, it can help to build yourself back up. You can have a starting point to heal. At this point, can it hurt to put your outlook on the witness stand?
From my experience, there is no such thing as “help”. There only exists distractions or ‘coping’ methods.
If there is such a thing as a “soul” then mine must be charred and withered, not worth saving on any account.
My best advice? Set a an age limit and try to live until then, either reaching it and finding a purpose in life or reaching it as empty as when you began. I set 26, I feel very doubtful if I’ll make it there. This year will probably decide that.
Good luck
That’s an interesting concept. The soul dying.
I wonder if you can have your egoic will to live die…or your self-esteem die…or self confidence be shattered and damaged beyond repair. Those are all mind games that come and go in the experience of living. But the strict definition of “soul” is maybe an undying, infinite awareness of being.
Well, that’s not true either. I just looked at the definition of soul: a person’s moral or emotional nature or sense of identity : in the depths of her soul, she knew he would betray her.
Anyway, sorry to hear you’re feeling alone and with a dead soul. Sucks.
your soul had to “die” for a reason.. what happened? something always has to happen to make us feel depressed.. cant just feel depressed for no reason.. just doesnt make sense, and if that is the case that means your brain is chemically imbalanced.. which then you just get some proper pills or eat healthier. I can til you why i am depressed.. I smoked weed during college and flunked out of my career thus living a terrible life in every aspect since then.. 13 years of screwing up.. i cant even function properly anymore.. wasted the gift of life that was given to me, and its all my fault.. 1 month ago i just screwed my whole family.. unintentionally.. but it happened.. im so suicidal the only thing that keeps me living is video games.. what a pathetic pc of shit i am.
@Krazykaze:
I’m guessing you’re somewhere in your mid-30s. To me, that’s young enough to switch it up and still “succeed” in whatever terms you put that at. Many people have seen their lives turn around at that age or beyond.
I definitely align with you on the video games aspect. It’s the one thing that has moved my life forward and kept me going. It’s the only way I find solace. I, also could be considered a person who has not “succeeded” in many ways in life depending on how people view that word and I’m at 44 now.
I don’t think you’re pathetic. I read the news too much to see what truly pathetic people are. I think that with some planning, and a little dedication, you can achieve the next stepping stone in your life that you find important.
Try to narrow things down to a few positive directions you’d like to take and pick one of them. There’s no need to take it all on at once and that’s way too overwhelming anyway.
Good guess, I am 31. I made so many mistakes and I am in the biggest one of them all and icant for see it getting better only worse.. my health is at an all time low cause I neglected to take care of myself.. bad twe the and super skinny.. my job is a nightmare and now I am homeless.. my mind just procrastinates and onky plays games and smokes..i have done all this bad stuff myself.. no one has ever hurt me.. i am my own and worst enemy..
yo kaze, good to see ya. been wondering about you. this may give you a laugh. may go back to driving a truck, lol. otr, not oilfield. nothing holding me in any one place, and ive always liked traveling. give me something to do anyway. im still on the roller coaster, but trying hard to get passed it. maybe when this parts over and im on the streets. be kind of nice not to stare at these memories all the time. keep fighting it bro, you can get past this. love and peace to ya