I’m lost right now…I have no idea what I should do because my life is very fucked up so I hope posting this would possibly help.
Please read till the end…
I’m a 15 years old boy and I live in Romania at the moment.I’ve always had big problems with socialization and with society itself and,well…with almost everything around me! I simply dislike most (if not all) people that I know because I always see the worse in them (and they generally show me that I’m right),I hate society because of various reasons (mostly because society never accepted me),I dislike my family,my colleagues etc.
At my highschool (a good one,apparently) everyone think I’m insane because I am too honest with them. My family,colleagues and “friends” know about my “obsession” on poisons,weapons,firearms,drugs,afterlife and other abstract subjects…So they took me to a psychologist,who thought I’m a fairly normal teen with some common socialization problems,but I’ll drop it soon,in fact, there is no reconciliation that will put me in my place! I’m sure about it!
I also strongly think that most religions are just crap!They’re just stories and “theories” made to easily control the masses.I’d like not to talk much about this subject because,despite my age,I studied and debated this subject and those related to it a lot and tried to make my parents and other people I know understand why I’m agnostic and developed my own theory about life and universe…Now they simply think I’m INSANE but I won’t change my mind.Well…I could be a little bit crazy if you think that I have the bipolar and borderline syndromes,so I’m very unstable but people always get it wrong…
Anyway…I tried to kill myself 8 times,I tried to cut my wrist 1 time,3 times disembowelment,1 time with hemlock poison (nobody believes me at this one but IT’S TRUE! I drank 100-120 of almost pure hemlock poison made from seeds and nothing happened,excepting that my stomach was pretty noisy for a few minutes),1 time asphyxia,1 time hanging and 1 time with alcohol and pills overdose (the last one was EXTREMELY stupid,I know).
After all these fails I thought that maybe I really have a role in this world,but now I’m afraid of death and I often fluctuate between very suicidal and depressed and energetic & extremely happy (the bipolar syndrome).My life hasn’t improved at all and I have a strong feeling that it never will (like always…) but still I don’t really wanna die,although I believe that is the only escape,hoping that I begin a different life in a different world after death (it may sound weird or stupid to some of you,but it’s more complex than you think and has no gaps at all).
So what can I do to feel better?!?
P.S: Sorry for my bad english…