CRITICAL parents, bullies, addictions, mean girls, jealous gossip, scapegoat me you bitches, outcasted, jobless
Hard working, straight Aing, exercising, writing, creating, therapy, friends, faith, graduate degree, PURPOSE, dignity
Shes meek and timid and mousy, she’s a minority who only speaks English, she’s worthless, so TIMID, fucking nice and quiet
Sing, paint, POWERFUL, spiritual, soulful, run, get up and try again, meditate, pray, brush it off, get up, SPEAK UP
Not enough, never enough, never enough, use me, put me in danger, put me down, alone, alone, ALONE, no one understands
No one will hire a wounded healer she said, think positive they said, have a thicker skin they say, have more CONFIDENCE!
But I am broken. TRYING so damn hard. Humiliated. Heartbroken. Betrayed. A beautiful JOKE. I just don’t fit. Invisible.
A dog in a world of CATS. Oh, angel dreams. I really believed you. Now I find myself wondering if I’m already dead.
9 comments
WOW! a beautiful joke with some amazing talent. no, beautiful child, you are not alone. we are here. a bunch of wounded healers wanting to ease and sooth your pain, as well as ours. stay with us and weave your words of beauty into a tapestry of comforting solace
Thank you so much for your response and very kind words tc13. Yesterday I was screaming on the floor. Today my heart aches less. This website is a great space to recognize that so many people have tremendous pain and exhausting feelings. As we express and or reach out, here and elsewhere, I believe many of us will heal together.
So many people with tremendous pain, yet loneliness permeates it all. Isn’t it ironic?
What more can we hope for but healing though? I feel, perhaps, I am past that point.
I don’t know. Maybe more will come of this insignificant life. Full of sound and fury.
Totally ironic, saturnalis. There has to be more. Sometimes I go out to be with groups of people and it feels good until that one fake smile or sentiment just makes my blood boil. Most often, I feel more and more lonely. Sometimes I get the chance to connect, to really get people, and feel gotten. Slowing down enough to connect to an INNER power that is beyond all of the pain and concepts is my dream. Right now the concept of choice is that I am never going to find work. Unlike, Mick Jagger it seems I’ll always be a beast of burden. It’s so humiliating. This CONCEPT is allowed to define my worth as a human being because I am intrinsically flawed. Sometimes meditation in nature or creative outlets like art and music help me to remember what is real. I believe there is a bigger picture but I also wonder if I am strong enough to ever know what it is.
You’ve more freedom than me beautiful joke. I can’t even stand to be in, or with, a group of people.
I’ve lost the ability to connect anymore, mainly through experiences I’ve had with others and my
own stubborn conviction… I admire your belief, and again, I wish I shared it. Alas, I don’t think
humans will ever have, or gain, the ability to access any form of this ‘bigger picture’. We’ll always be
looking through the wrong end of the binoculars… My inner being was expressed through art and
music, just like you. But now I have even lost that. You are stronger than me, and I am envious.
Freedom? My ego is bigger than the largest galaxy in the universe and self-esteem smaller than the smallest atom. How can I ever be free? I like your image of looking through the wrong end of the binoculars. So true.
Sometimes I feel drained, angry, or sad after being around a bunch of people so I can see why anyone might want to avoid it! I try not to lose sight of the other side of it but often find myself isolating.
Believe me, my artistic self is dormant most of the time! There’s nothing to envy.
My ideas of a bigger picture are not through blind faith, but through moments of grace in the darkest of times. I don’t quite know how to describe it but it wasn’t read in a book or heard in a sermon.
Connection, art, grace… not sure how to get there, but it is possible.
Ah yes, ego is a terrible thing. Although I’m confused as to whether regarding myself as no longer human is an egoistic thing or the gradual erosion of ego. Who knows? What I do know is, if human beings can inspire such rage in me just by my being around them, then I no longer want to associate myself with any of their being.
Perhaps my artistic side is just lying dormant, for an extended period of time. A few weeks ago now I felt suddenly inspired and decided to draw all over my upper-left leg. Who knows why? I certainly don’t. All sharp teeth and pinpoint eyes wrapped in bizarre geometries and amorphous masses. It feels good when it comes though.
You may not know how to describe it, but I believe you when you say. Personal experience is the most profound thing to the individual, of course. Events can sometimes conspire to appear to point a finger to something, and it is your choice to accept that or not. I’m personally terribly skeptical, (another magnificent personality trait along with extreme misanthropy) so I don’t see these instances. Ah, what a world… You have done your dirty job this time haven’t you, huh?
you dont lose talent. we just hide it so good that we forget we have it
Agree tc 13. Brain fog is my nemesis.
Saturnalis, rage is something that scares me about myself. Last month my dad said a series of insensitive things that threw me into a rage so bad that I wanted to kill myself to end the pain and also to teach him a lesson. I had tunnel vision and drank to stop the disturbing thoughts. I’m glad my friend came home when she did. I was a hot mess. Yesterday, I also had serious rage to the point I was screaming and my voice is shot today. THEN I had to go for an interview. The painful feelings really threw me off from whatever the f*** it is I’ve been failing to do for the past few months and I feel like cutting people off as well as cutting people in general. So yeah… theres that…
Maybe we chose to be mentally tortured souls before we were born so that we could create really cool shit. Would love to see your work. Is it posted on here?
I love skeptics. They tend to be very intelligent and thought provoking people. The opposite of fake. The world needs you desperately and you know it.