Love is an Unjust Tyrant.

Around four years ago I’d just encountered my first heartbreak. It was awful. She was my German girl and I was her American boy.. But, it wasn’t meant to last, I’m afraid, as she cheated on me. Tough break, kid lol. Anyway, I was a complete and total mess. Food held no taste. Drink held no joy. I basically just smoked cigarettes and played guitar 24/7. I’d eat just enough to get by, but only because I was constantly hounded about no eating.. Christ, I wrote some terrible songs lol. They were horrible. Lol I didn’t know that then, however. But anyway, this went on for a month or two until late one night I was browsing facebook to feel a little less lonely, and received a message from a girl I’d known only in passing from high school. We talked. I told her my sob story, she told me hers. We quickly became friends. Not long after that, I was at her house hanging out and we talked almost all night — about everything. Anything there was to talk about, we covered it. I’d realized this girl was the perfect girl. She made my pain go away. She shared my likes, and she shared my dislikes. I knew I wanted to be with her. But I was still getting over my previous breakup, and I didn’t want to burden her. I felt I was just into her because she gave me attention and took away the loneliness. I didn’t want to use her. So I let it be. I figured we should just be friends for a while. So, we stayed that way. One night, we’d gone to a concert, and I had a wreck on my way home after dropping her off. It should’ve killed me. I’d swerved to miss a deer and hit the ditch, flipping my truck multiple times. She was my first thought afterward. Made me realize just how much I cared for her. And that scared me. I said nothing to her about it, and we stayed as we were, until we eventually drifted apart. I’d think about her every so often, but didn’t know what to say to her, or how to say it.. But one day, she got in touch with me. I was ecstatic. So we caught up. I told her all that was new with me, and she did the same. She’d gotten married and was pregnant. I died a little inside, but accepted my fate to be her friend and nothing more. I’d lover her from a distance, as lame as that sounds lol. So we began to talk more and more. I met her family, and they were amazing. It killed me to see her with another man, but the fact that he was so cool and so good to her made it all acceptable. We went on like this for about two years. She’s been the best friend I’ve ever had, and tells me I’m her best friend. We’ve depended on each other. She helps me with my problems, and I help with hers. It really has been one of those rare friendships..and in a way, I was proud of myself for maintaing such a friendship with a woman–for keeping my feelings at bay. We talk every day about everything. In retrospect, I honestly don’t even know how we have so much to talk about having known each other for so long. She now lives in another state with her husband.
Two days ago, it was the normal routine. I was venting to her, she gave me the usual advice that always makes me feel better, and I asked if she had any situation that needed my attention. She did, and told me all about it. Said her husband wasn’t giving her enough attention, and men at her new job were complimenting her and she loved it. And that made her feel terrible.. So I told her my bit about she needs to really have a talk with her husband about it, and that it’s ok to love getting compliments. Gave her all sorts of comforting advice as best I could, and she didn’t respond. So the next day she texted me, thanking me for the advice and saying how she felt awkward about it. I thought nothing of it, and joked around with her like I normally would.. “Yeah awkward is how I roll, fool.” And she seemed hesitant. So I prodded her for why she felt so uncomfortable and that if it was something I said, I could simply not say it again. She reassured me that it was nothing I said, but I wanted to know. She changed the subject to me. I was feeling pretty low this day, so I unloaded on her. I got so wrapped up in pouring out my pain to her that I hardly realized I’d included my long-hidden feelings for her, and that they made me feel guilty, because she’s a married woman. She responds about an hour later telling me she has feelings for me as well. My heart swells. We talk about it, and I find out that, for her, it was always me. She loved me. Always had. Everytime she saw me, her heart was in her throat. All these years.. My love for her only grew, and I had no idea the feeling was mutual. So many emotions descended on me all at once. She said she didn’t have the courage to tell me from the start, and distanced herself because she didn’t think I wanted a relationship and her feeling for me got too heavy too fast.. I feel so cheated. Like I just lose at life. I feel like she is my soul mate, and I let her get away because I was afraid. I feel so guilty for loving a married woman. Her husband is a good man, and her daughter is so precious.. But I can’t help but wish I had her. Nothing can happen now.. And I feel the friendship may be ruined. I truly have nothing to live for. My life is a cruel joke concocted by God. Nothing is fair. Maybe there really is no God.. Maybe when we die, that’s the end. We cease to exist. And I’m so tired of existing… Please, someone tell me it’ll be ok. Anyone. Please….