Over with…

The worl has become a dark place, the one I don’t want to live in. Everyone is being pushed into their corners. We are all left alone by the people who used to say the loved us.

I’m really young, but I am not blind. I see every little bad thing in this world. I see the kids getting bullied, I see the miserable people; I see thoughts about death crissing all of our minds.

I’m 14, my name is Aurora and this is what I’ve been through.

Two years ago i noticed my weird behavior. I was always down, never happy. I started sleeping a lot longer just so I don’t have to be awake, i started crying a lot. And after I cried for and hour or two, I would wonder why did I even cry. I was born in beautiful family full of understanding and love for me, so I knew it couldn’t be family problems. When I was finally sick of crying and constant sleeping, I went to my doctor. And at the age of 12, I was diagnosed with clinical depression.

Of course, little as I was, I never knew what that was, but I knew it was bad.

The next year I started cutting. To this day I don’t know why I do it. I just know it gives me that numb feeling I always needed. It’s better to be numb than hurting.

I was cutting on weekly basis, two to three cuts per week. I would always disinfect the cuts because I certainly didn’t want to die, I was just searching for relief.

But then, suddenly, few months after I came home from school, took the razor and started cutting as deep and as long as I could. I just felt like nothing at that moment. I was sobbing and crying uncontrollably; I couldn’t stop. Every inch of my arms was red and covered in blood, but I kept on doing it. I lifted my skirt up and pulled the razor over my legs couple of times, untill my head started spinning. I felt really sick and I just laid there in the pool of my own blood.

I ended up in the hospital, needing my dad’s blood to keep me alive, because I lost too much of my own. I was in observation for a week and after that I was sent in Mental Health Hospital.

They put me on anti-depressants and xanax. I felt and looked like a living zombie. It was awful experience, and I was happy when I finally was able to come back home, four months later.

I didn’t cut for the next three monts and I was getting better, but I also noticed I started to gain weight. My friends were bothered by that and soon they started calling me fat.

Everything that I felt before coming back to school came back doubled.

I stopped eating (and would usually pass out from lack of food so they sent me on infusion few times a moth), i started cutting again and I became bulimic.

I was afraid of going to public because I developed anxiety and I hated my body each day more, which came back as clinical self-hatred.

It went on and on for a year and it’s still lasting.

But four months ago I tried suicide. I downed two and a half bottle of pain killers with alcohol. I sat on my bathroom floor and just waited for death ti take me, but it was going incredibly slow so it gave me time to think.

I knew my family loved me and I knew it would get better so I decided to live.

I somehow crawled to the toilet, showed two fingers in my throat and threw up. But I was throwing out blood.

I called ambulance myself, they came in a matter of minutes and I was sent into emergency room. They pumped my stomach from all its content…

Right after, I was, once again, sent to Mental health hospital. I’m still there, thinking about everything. My brother committed suicide as soon as he found out I tried, saying to my parents that he doesn’t want me to be alone in heaven. They didn’t tell him I survived on time, and he jumped. Right off the building; off the balcony of our room.

I’m writing this because I want to try killing myself again, and this time I want to succeed. This life is nothing anymore. There isn’t much to live for.

In 14 years of my life I’ve been through more then some with 40 have.

And I want to end it. All the sadness and darkness. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

So, if I do die, just remember… Don’t be a coward like me, fight fot that light in your life and know that there is ALWAYS someone there. YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY NEVER ALONE!