I am getting closer and closer to the end now. I have already scouted the location. Its very high and easy to access. There are no fences or anything to prevent me from jumping, which is odd because i wouldn’t be the first one to commit suicide at that spot. At the bottom there is concrete. I will try to hit it head first. Should be the fastest way to go.
I have put my affairs into order as best i can. I have written a suicide note. I will probably do it this week. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow night. Seems almost inevitable now.
There are a lot of things i regret. I have made plenty of mistakes along the way and I can’t go back. The thing i regret the most at the moment is that I will probably ruin the holiday season for my family. Hopefully not permanently. I just can’t go on living just for the sake of others.
I don’t believe in god. Never have, never will. Therefor i don’t believe in an afterlife. My existence will most likely fade into oblivion. I just hope its quick.
8 comments
WDMC84,
I’m sorry things have reached this point for you. If you are insistent on going this route, I would suggest waiting at least until after the holidays. You yourself recognized it would be a terrible time to go in respect to your family.
I am not asking you to remain here solely for the sake of others, as you said – just perhaps wait a little longer so as not to leave a permanent scar on the holidays from this point forward for those around you (I personally feel that everyone should give themselves at least a month anyway after deciding on suicide before actually going through with it). Anyway, I hope you’ll give it some thought.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
I know its selfish. But isn’t there always something? After the Holidays there is the birthday of my sister. Then the birthday of my mother. Easter. Another birthday. Always something.
I don’t know if i can live through the holidays. On christmas i would be with my family. My sister loves christmas and everything about it. I would just bring everybody down anyways. I am so far gone now that i have real trouble keeping up my mask, only exposing myself to other people for a couple of minutes a day. Maybe i could live through christmas. But New Years Eve. I hate that day. Everybody celebrates the beginning of a new year and everything i ever felt was regret for having spent another year in loneliness. Thats why i haven’t celebrated new years in a long time. Seeing all those couples kiss each other on midnight is just too much.
I have posted here before. I think it was about a month ago. It has only gotten worse since then. I am not yet sure if i will actually go through with suicide. But from past experience i know that i can. Once i have made up my mind about something there is usually no going back.
WDMC84,
Hello stranger. I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through currently, but I do know how I feel. In my experience, sometimes I just want to yell at the top of my lungs so that someone knows that I’m in anguish. I can’t tell those closest to me how I feel. I have to hide it because then they’ll try to “fix” me. This isn’t something that can just be fixed with some good advice and duct tape. Others that I’ve opened up to have told me time, and time again that I have to be open to the prospect of getting better. Well, of course I’m open to it. I would like nothing more than to simply be happy! I read your last post and it sounds like things didn’t work out with that girl. I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Unrequited love hurts the most. This much I can sympathize with. I’ve been battling depression ever since I can remember, but I’ve been hiding it for the past 5 years. I did all of the counseling, the medication, and the tests. They claimed there was nothing wrong with me. I got so tired of it all that I lied my way through it.
Like I said before, I couldn’t possibly know your situation. I don’t know you. I don’t know your family. What has helped me when I’m in my darkest of days is to think about people like you, that are suffering, yet struggling everyday to hide that darkness. Please, if you ever need to get things off your chest without someone telling you how to fix it or what to do, shoot me a message. I get lonely too, and sometimes I wish nothing more than to have a stranger as a friend. Someone who will not judge me for my thoughts.
I hope you find joy in something, kind stranger.
Best,
ES
Thank you for your reply and for listening. I can relate to what you said, so much. After my first suicide attempt i tried the counseling and medication route. I didn’t really want to, but my parents insisted and i wasn’t in the condition to fight it. After all i did want to kill myself. It was no cry for help or anything. I did not try to talk to someone about it, like i am know. I just did it. I just didn’t cut deep enough before i passed out. The screams of my mother though…i was not prepared to deal with her pain. So i agreed to it all.
Therapy sessions every 2 weeks for a year and some strong anti depressants that made all the feelings disappear. As i suspected before ever having tried it, therapy was not for me. I have tried several doctors, but they were all kind of the same. I can always tell when someone takes an interest in me because it so rarely happens. And they weren’t really listening. So i started feeding them bullshit, just to get them off my back. I hated the medication and by telling them what they wanted to hear i managed to get rid off the anti depressants. My parents were satisfied and declared me “fixed”. Just a depressive episode. During my treatment i have tried to talk to my parents. Tried to make them understand how i feel and what made me do it. But the more i talked about it the more i realized that they just can’t relate. They don’t know what it feels like and the more i described it, the more they seemed to think i was making stuff up. “It can’t be that bad, you are exaggerating”, they said. “Things will get better, you are still young, you know nothing of life”.
Thats when i stopped talking about it. Sometimes when i was with friends i would drop a comment that would hint at how terrible i am really feeling. But i don’t think they ever took it seriously. Or maybe they didn’t want to take it seriously. Being around someone who is always sad has to be exhausting. And despite them saying they want to help you and that you can always come to them when you feel down, most people don’t actually mean that. They say that to make themselves feel better. “I have done everything i could” and such stuff. I am not even sure i myself could do it, even though it would be easier for me to relate.
So to cut that long story short. I too am hiding my depression nowadays. Because i don’t think people would understand.
As for that girl. It is very complicated. I haven’t seen her in a month. Her job is very time consuming and her work schedule is kind of a relationship killer. Our only contact the last few weeks has been whatsapp and she barely texts me anymore, except to state that she is busy. I am not a moron. I know how it feels to be dumped. But if i throw that in her face she will probably leave me for good. I have been trying to get to talk to her about us, but she always has some excuse not to do it. Usually work or some family emergency. Yesterday i told her, that i can no longer go on like that and that it is literally killing me. I don’t know if i have gotten through to her, but she agreed to text with me tonight. Or maybe she will find another excuse to get out of that talk, like she did the last time. When i confronted her about being evasive, she got mad. I don’t want to lose her, but i need clarity or i will eventually lose my mind. Yet, if i push too much, i might lose her for good. I don’t know what to do anymore. But i know that i can’t go on like this for much longer.
WDMC84,
Fair enough – I suppose there is always something. But remember what the holidays bring with it – decorations everywhere, TV Christmas specials, etc. I get what you are saying about upcoming birthdays and the like, but those things aren’t universal like Christmastime is. Every year during the holiday season, there are going to be so many ways in which your family is reminded of how you left this world.
I’m with you on New Year’s – it sucks and it’s completely stupid. Here’s another perspective on it, however: I have never understood the whole “It’s a new year – time for a fresh start!” mindset. First off all, a new year is just a number that means nothing (I honestly don’t even know what the cause for celebration is – just another excuse for people to get wasted, in my opinion). Secondly, if a person wishes for a “new beginning” and plans to turn their lives around (or simply do something they tag as a “New Year’s resolution”), why do they have to wait for a different annual number to do so? I say if somebody wants to improve their life, do it now! Remember all of this on New Year’s when you are feeling depressed – perhaps it will provide a different outlook. Maybe not. But I figured it was worth mentioning.
Of course, I understand that New Year’s isn’t the major problem – it is the loneliness and unhappiness in general that you described. But I also realize that the holidays are often the hardest time for many people, so I thought I’d at least share that theory.
At the end of the day, the choice is yours, of course. I wish you well.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
You are right. The holidays are something special and i know that. Maybe i am just trying to justify my actions here.
I have had the same thoughts about new year myself. I never understood why a new calendar is such a big deal. And i always thought new years resolutions were silly. When i wanted to stop smoking i just did and didn’t wait for new years to come around (although i have to admit that the whole cancer thing made it a lot easier for me than it probably is for anyone else).
The thing that has always bugged me about new years is not the symbolism. It’s that everyone seems to have plans for the day. Meeting friends. Being with their family. Being with their loved ones. It’s this big event where everyone is expected to have plans. I can’t count how many times i have been asked “What are you doing on new years eve? We are doing….” and answered “i don’t know yet”. It’s not like i go out a lot or even like to go out a lot. It’s just that on this particular day of the year i always feel like i am missing out on something i will never experience. And it makes me sad. I have always wanted to kiss the woman i am in love with on new years eve. To feel that it is more than a kiss. A promise of all the good things to come.
it’s interesting that many suicidal people don’t believe in god, i guess the mentality behind that is the same as many Jews that lost faith in god during the holocaust. when people realize that they are truly alone, shown by the apathy and negligence of a “god” that supposedly “loves” them, it’s hard to maintain faith. why would any decent god allow suffering and abandon you when you need it most? why would a god bless others but allow you to suffer when he supposedly sees you all equally?
I empathize with you OP, I have a few things that provide some sort of anchor to compel me to live, but in the end life isn’t for me. I’m past caring about anything, I don’t take anything in life seriously as i’m not afraid of the consequences. I’ve already screwed up my life and failed everyone around me, so I might as well amuse myself until my life falls into the lowest gutter. I’ve considered jumping, but I don’t think I possess that kind of courage, much respect to you OP.
The funny thing is, i was raised as a christian. I had to go to church every thursday and sunday morning and attended a catholic school. My grandparents were deeply religious. I always liked the stories in the bible and the stuff about fallen angels fighting to get back into heaven and such. But to me they have always been stories. I realized that i don’t believe in god long before i suffered from depression. When i was old enough i told my parents that i don’t believe in god and don’t ever want to go to church again and that was that. They didn’t have the heart to tell my grandparents though and i think they died still believing that i was a good christian. Later during my teens when i started to suffer from depression i felt vindicated in my atheism and even more so when i got cancer. And even if there was a god and i had proof of his existence, how could i ever worship such a cruel being? I’d rather punch him in the face.
I don’t think jumping would be that hard after all i’ve been through in the last few years. And i did cut my wrists after all. That took some willpower as well. Maybe i will be one of those people that stand up there for a few hours and then finally realize they can’t do it. I can’t be certain of that. But honestly, i don’t really think so.