I didn’t realize I would write so much. TLDR: I’m doing poorly in my classes, I’ve relapsed pretty hard in terms of mental illness and self-harm, and I really, really want to stop the pain and disappointment and just kill myself, etc. etc.
(Fair warning, this entire post is very melodramatic.)
I am that horrible student who cannot accept anything less than an A. I am that piece of shit that needs a 4.0 to feel any sort of self-worth. I can’t even blame my parents anymore for this horrible mentality because I am not a child anymore. I am nearly 20, and though they care about my academic performance, there’s not much they can do about it now that I’m in university. (That doesn’t stop them from constantly asking me about my progress, mind you.) I mean, it is true that part of this need to be academically perfect stems from a need to please them and the rest of my family. I’ve always been deemed the “smart” child; everyone’s always had high expectations for me in terms of schooling and eventually career. The fact that I didn’t get into an Ivy or Ivy-level university crushed me, and I’m trying to transfer to one right now in an effort to stop disappointing everyone.
Wow, I got off on a tangent.
The focus of this post isn’t supposed to be on my tiger family, not really. They’ve laid off on the pressure considerably since my graduation from high school. Most of the pressure comes directly from me. To be frank, I would rather die than get B’s and C’s. I would rather die than watch my parents’ faces crumple into disappointed frowns. I would rather die than face people after my inevitable failure at transferring to a better school. Isn’t that horrible? I think I’m horrible for thinking that way. If I met someone else who expressed such notions, I would definitely be weirded out by them, maybe even despise them.
Some background, which I should’ve mentioned in the beginning: I have major depressive disorder (a.k.a. clinical depression) and generalized anxiety disorder. Both are hindrances to my academic performance, but I managed to go the whole freshman year without my grades suffering too much, and I even felt a little proud of myself for doing better then expected. But this year…this semester…I don’t know what happened. Perhaps it was a sense of alienation at home and a deteriorating relationship with my brother? My precious dog’s failing health (we have to put him to sleep soon)? The state of our country in terms of social justice, or lack thereof, and the vast emotional investment I’ve poured into activism? I don’t know. Maybe I just fell off the wagon. I did relapse after six months of no self-harm, and my body is riddled with new scars. Looking at them reminds me of what a disappointment I am. I’ve regained weight, after losing a substantial amount earlier in the year, from binge eating as well.
Overall, I feel awful. I’ve felt awful for a while, and I am seriously considering suicide again. I feel trapped. I thought I had gotten better. I thought I was a functional human being now. I thought I could do well. But now I know that no matter how good things get for me, I will always fail. That’s how it’s been since I was 14. I’ve never done well, not for long. I think failure has been embedded in my soul. There’s no escaping my weakness; no amount of therapy or medication will help me. No human being will ever look at me without the sharp sting of disappointment in their eyes. Failure is a natural part of life, but now I want to unsubscribe from life. Because I am weak. Because I am stupid. Because I can’t handle the pressure. I CAN’T HANDLE IT, OKAY? I WILL FREELY ADMIT TO HOW HORRIBLY WEAK I AM.
I don’t even know if I will make it past the new year anymore.
8 comments
Hey, hey, hey.
It’s going to be all right. I’m not you, and therefore, don’t know all of your story. But you seem like you have been wanting to please people your whole life. How about you forget about them?
What is something you really want to do with your life? What are some dreams you have? How about trying to look at those, and trying to achieve those goals? The ones you really want? That may help a bit.
You sound like you’re a hard worker, with good ideals. That’s good. At the end of the day, I have learned, that while grades are important, and they may make you feel great at times, and crap like others, family and friends matter the most. Well, you don’t have that, maybe? Well, try to look at the better things you do have. Take baby steps to the grade you want. It will take hard work, but I know you can make it.
If you need, drop me a line: brl.cents@gmail.com
The thing about pursuing my “dreams” is that I am overly ambitious, and the things I want to do (law school, PhD, etc.) require a lot of academic focus and success. And I feel like I’m failing at attaining those dreams right now with the current state of my academics. My ambition leads to horrible mental deterioration. The more I want to become something, the more work is required, the more stressed I become, the more I fail or perceive failure… There’s no escape.
Maybe you should take a semester off from school. and get some help and deal with this depression and suicidal issue before going back to school.
and you should also try not to be so hrd on yourself
its not bad to get a B in a class.
Good luck
I don’t know how I would afford mental health help, to be honest. My parents think I’m cured, and my previous hospitalizations, medications, and therapy cost them so much money, even with insurance. I don’t want to disappoint them with my relapse…and I also don’t want to create even more financial burden. They already pay for my tuition. How could I ask them for this?
If there was some sort of full-time counselor at my school, I think I would be willing to meet with him/her. But there isn’t one at the moment. :\
Hi. We’re on a quite similar boat, except I’m only 14. Although this is quite hypocritical of me, well, what I can say is that you should try to look at other things. Grades are just, numbers (or well letters). They may dictate a few aspects of your life, but /you/ control a lot more of them. There is more to you than your grades.
Maybe you could take a semester off and just have some fun. Meet new people. Get a lover. Get help and meet a psychologist. Focus on yourself and just forget the rest for a while.
I’m like you…rather obsessive about my grades, until this year. I’m a bit younger than you, but that’s irrelevant. My entire life revolved around the mark on a test, etc. I would get anxiety attacks before receiving a test score. Almost fainting, heart murmurs, shakiness. I struggled. I sobbed for days after getting a C on a presentation that I spent 10 hours designing. Why? It was overly detailed, overly boring, etc. It’s not worth it. Please. It isn’t.
I went back to school in September. And cracked. I couldn’t handle it. Everything loomed ahead of me. I cried throughout the day. Finally I ended up in the counselor’s office, picking at a cold lunch.
Look, please don’t let your grades define you. I let them define me – all those marks on report cards, the addiction to “praise,” just ended me up in the hospital. I’m learning to let go. I can’t be perfect – neither can you. Sh*t happens. It sucks.
Really sorry you’re feeling this way…maybe explore other interests?
Do you know what helps me? I think of one person I know that is extremely smart. Brilliant. He didn’t ace everything in school. Quite the opposite. But I look at him – he’s a unique person, sad and stressed, but he’s smart. And I don’t need his transcript to know that.
I’m sorry my replies to comments have been so pessimistic. I appreciate that you all are trying to encourage me and help me out. I’m sorry I don’t seem so receptive. It’s just hard to escape my current state of mind…
What are you talking about? You seem like a sensitive, self-conscious person. You shouldn’t judge yourself so harshly.
You remind me of me. It’s scary, actually… I hope things work out…somehow.