That is the question.
Do you guys ever dread going to bed, no matter how tired you might be, because you know once you get there you will be attacked by fear, sadness, loss, emptiness, and gut wrenching wailing, sobbing, the kind of crying where you don’t care if the neighbors can hear you, where the tears and snot soak your pillow, where you just can’t stop no matter how long it goes on, how hard it hurts, you’re locked in a fetal position, terrified, petrified, and lost..
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Yeah I totally understand dude, I feel the same way. Even though we’ve been blessed with every opportunity known to man.. our minds trap us in a mental hell that makes our reality so miserable. It all came to decisions.. that made us depressed. But if we made those decisions.. seems like we were just destined for this depression.. whats nice is.. the reality around me is all good.. shit I live in Canada.. not Afghanistan.. and yet I still cant live a normal life despite all the other blessings given to me.. I have felt like this for so long.. I guess il die like this..
yo, kaze, our depression is a physical malady. bad decisions are just a by product. its mystifying, yes, cause it is in the brain, they are not sure of the cause, and even less sure of a treatment. if it was one of the visable, physical, disabilities, normal people would be more understanding.
yea tc…if we have depression, we are labeled, “You’re too negative” and off they go.
sometimes it’s the other guy’s decision that causes all the angst for us. Sometimes we make a bad decision and it messes us up, but sometimes the other guy makes a bad decision and messes us up, while he walks away unscathed–feeling nothing.
“he walks away unscathed–feeling nothing.”
Ugh, I understand this all too well.
As for sleeping, I can’t seem to sleep through the night to save my life. I always wake within a few hours of falling asleep. Without fail, as I’m emerging from sleep, I realize I’m thinking about the whole situation, replaying it in my head, the same obsessive, intrusive thoughts that plague me throughout the day. Then I toss and turn the rest of the night. I think I must be dreaming about it every night, and then waking up while in the middle of those thoughts.
Have you considered using prescription sleep aids on a temporary basis?
Would a couple consecutive weeks of deep sleep help you get through the worst of it? I think after the holidays I’m going to give that a try.
I hope you find some relief soon. (And when you do, please tell us what helped!)
The best sleep I ever had was after spending just over a week in the field. I’d drawn the short straw this particular time and ended up being Bravo Gunner No. 1, with my No. 2 being the one dude who smelt like poo-poo; only worse. Mind you, by the time ENDEX was sent through to the entire company, we all smelt like the refuse pond behind Old MacDonald’s farm. Anything is better than smelling like the Section Smash Sock though… First watch at dusk at STARTEX +3 was interesting; Bravo No. 2 goes “250 – 1 O’CLOCK, FALLEN TREE – ENEMY SNOWMAN!” to which I glare at and say “brother… are you on the sauce again?!” until I look 250 metres ahead at my 2 o’clock — beside a fallen tree — and see a fuckin’ snowman with a chemlight for a nose and a kevlar helmet on his head. That shit was creepy…
(Pro-tip: If you see a lone sock sitting on the grass verge in between the soldiers barracks — don’t bother telling the meat puppets about it. Whoever had the perverted idea of using the smiley shape we use to put our socks together as an imitation badly stuffed taco is one sick puppy. Actual.)
Nothing beats going to sleep at night in your knickers in the snow, with your rifle beside you keeping you toasty. Heh. I really wish I could’ve kept my bivvy bag. That fuckin’ thing was warm. At least now my only complaint is that I’m not tired enough to warrant a full night’s sleep. But thanks to DHC, the trick cyclist’s own special reserve and classical guitar music — I’m sleeping like a baby on most nights.
Welp. I’m outta here. Toodaloo…
toodaloo? wow. Haven’t heard that one in ages.
As for the rest of it…wow. If I hadn’t been friendly w/ a soldier for the past 15+ years, I wouldn’t understand a word of what you said. As it stands, I still only understood about 1/3 of it. Even so, I thank you for sharing. Soldiers are a rare breed. In a good way. imo.
actually, i sleep great. that describes my waking hours.
Ahh the dreaded fetal-position-on-the-couch waking hours. I’m not like that too often these days..only occasionally. Now, it’s more of the on the couch on the computer in my sweats all day long (unless I have to go to work), never leave the house, only do the absolute basic necessities of cleaning, etc., and occasionally drop to the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Rinse and repeat several times a day.
Now, it’s 3am, I took some pills (ahhh temazepam, the sweet release) and will crash for several hours, finally.
its 1am here. i got all excited when i saw your tag, and havent calmed down yet.
good to know i still get someone excited, ha ha ha aaaah hell.
tc….special warm thanks to you…I read your post on that other thread (which I think we hi-jacked, we owe that OP an apology lol)…will reply tomorrow. Know that you’ve helped a lot tonight. I’m still a mess, still can’t deal, but you kept me company tonight through it and that means a lot. xoxo
yes, this was good. welcome again and ill see ya online, much love to you three moons
before you go, go see the poem i posted…I think you’ll like it.
And here I am again, dreading the idea of sleep, leaving the computer and the contact w/ folks here, and being alone w/ my loss. God I cannot stand this. 7 months of hell and no end in sight. I just want some peace…since I can’t have love.