Second post.
My first post gave you an idea of my backstory. This is more of an update to that post (I don’t know how to update posts, so I’ll just made another).
I feel alone sometimes. Not all the time, just sometimes. I can’t tell you how often because it is random. My life went from being so busy and involved with music and entertaining to one which is more quiet and normal. I really like the change, please do not misunderstand me. Life is far better now. But I can’t understand why I sometimes feel so alone still?
Before, I kept a diary. I was lonely. I was busy, meeting so many people and having ‘friends’ (acquaintances really) who would always be around. Not normal people either, people from magazines and radio. All the pretty people. I was sculpted to be one of them, too. I was considered pretty (that’s what they said, that’s what they published anyway). I later had an accident and required some surgery, which I had, but that made me feel worse. Ever since the surgeries I’ve felt ugly, terrible and broken. I don’t have shape to my face anymore. Before I could accept if someone told me I was pretty, now I think it’s a joke. I can’t help it – I just don’t look the same. Nothing. I even stopped going to the gym, went from a lean 80kg to an average 62kg. I haven’t sung or danced in 9 months…that is my fault. I just have no confidence to do it. I haven’t played my guitars for 10 months. I just dont want to.
I told this to my doctor and he said something like “we’ll schedule follow-up surgeries to get you back to normal”. I want this, it sounds great – but it hasn’t happened yet. He is either busy or when he has time to see me and I’m busy. It has been so hard. I feel worse every day.
Just after my accidents I met my girlfriend and decided to leave the life I’d known. By leaving it I also found that my acquaintances left too…I was not expecting that. My new life with my girlfriend is so different but I really LOVE it. I love her. But, like I said above, sometimes I feel lonely. If she is not around, I sometimes feel depressed. If we have an argument, sometimes she will talk to other people about it (like her mother) before we both talk about it through together. It makes me feel alone…even more. I don’t have anyone to talk to about anything, I just have her. I don’t trust anybody enough to talk to them and my old ‘friends’ all left when I quit my past life. When we argue sometimes, she leaves the room/location and I’m even more alone.
More than once I told my girlfriend that I considered killing myself and she didn’t believe me. She told me to stop talking. That made me feel so bad. This replays in my head sometimes…she didn’t want to listen to me tell her that. I don’t know why she didn’t want to listen, but I feel alone with these thoughts now. Nobody will listen. In my life before I told my ‘friend’ (married, older) that I “just was tired of living” and he laughed like it was a joke. I don’t see him anymore. I tried to be open to him, just testing to see what he’d say – I was looking for advice – but he thought it was a joke, so I stopped talking about it. Now with my girlfriend I told her seriously more than once and she didn’t want to talk about it. Once she asked me “if it was blackmail” – it was NOT. I don’t think she understands what I was feeling. I wish she did.
I once had a dream that I ran in front of a truck and killed myself, but I didn’t wake up. In the dream I just looked at my body on the road. Every time I feel alone, I think of this dream. The worst thing is this: I have no reason to be so depressed sometimes. I have a beautiful girlfriend, I have some family around (but I’m not so close to, due to my past life working so much) and I have money in shares, enough. Yet I still feel depressed sometimes, so alone. It makes no sense. I’m beginning to think I’m just a broken person who can’t be fixed. I feel like a cliche and…I really don’t know what to write now. The only thing I’m doing now is feeling sorry for myself. The sad thing is I can only blame myself. It is just my fault I feel this way. My family didn’t do anything wrong, they are fine. My girlfriend is really my other half. It is just me.
As usual, everything is my fault. If there is a heaven then God is playing a cruel joke on my soul. My mind has the potential to tear me apart.