I dont want to die. Really I dont. But the pain is stronger than the will to live. It dominates my thoughts. It wont give me a break. I try to sleep it away, but I cant sleep long enough. Honestly I wish I would never wake up. Maybe if it were as easy as flipping a switch I would turn my life off. What I really want is my happiness. I want my family back. But without them, I am overwhelmed, and I think I have to end.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
8 comments
I hear ya. There’s a strong pull to die and an equal pull to live. Then ya get the tug of war thing going on in life. back and forth..live / die live / die. crazy stuff. I hear ya.
I think the pull is the worst part. The world is telling you to give up and yet you don’t want to stop trying.
Right.
The fun thing about this is that even if the world gives you a “go on” sign you would most likely still doubt it (because of the many times things have gone wrong). Rarely happens, but just happened to me today and i just walked away, lol.
I imagine that anyone who didn’t have those impulses fighting against each other, but stalemated, wouldn’t have ever come to a place like this. If I felt like I wanted life so much more than death then I would be out living, and if I truly wanted death so much more than life then I would have overcome the instinctual fear of dying and just killed myself already.
The not knowing which way it is going to fall is an odd feeling. I can’t think of the future because it seems likely there won’t be one, and even if I overcome now, then will I still be overcoming in a year? How about 5? Every time I’m asked where I think I’ll be in X years the first thought that comes to mind is “dead.”
At the same time, I can’t just sit here and just exist like I’ve been doing. Unemployed and worthless, not even bothering to seek anymore; that’s been me the last month and this whole month I’ve been working toward pushing those battling life-death impulses toward death. I even set a date a couple weeks ago and it went by and I set another for this weekend, except with the plan of getting drunk as shit with my shotgun and seeing what happens.
I guess if nothing does there then I will have to limp on and get back to the process of half-assedly living and finding another shit job that makes me want to die even more than before. That could be productive (or counter-productive depending on your perspective). Live enough to make me remember why I don’t want to anymore so I can use the misery to overcome biology and just die.
Seems like a completely mentally healthy way of looking at things.
Never waking up. That’s the easy way. I wish it were that easy. I have the pain too. It’s always there. I don’t know what to do either.
I feel you Moggie , please contact me
ah, the incessant inner turmoil between to be or not be — it, is always the question. to be or not to be. not to be is very attractive when the pain exceeds the normal pain threshold.