Empty

I know what you mean about feeling empty. It seems like lately that’s replaced any active feelings of despair and desperation that used to be what made me think about suicide, but now I feel closer to actually doing it then I did before. I just kind of go about my distractions and have fun doing them, but once I stop then that feeling of nothingness just kind of comes back and I wonder why I bother.

It’s kind of like an in-the-eye-of-the-storm feeling, and I know that eventually the other stronger negative feelings will come back… I find myself kind of wishing that they will because I don’t know if the emptiness alone is a strong enough motivator for me to actually just put the gun in my mouth already.

So feeling a bit better with the emptiness, enough to plan to die, but now just waiting to feel bad enough so I can actually force myself to go through with it. Wow, that sounds like a pretty fucked up line of reasoning now that I actually examine it.