I am a horrible person

I don’t think I’ve ever done this before. I can say right now this is going to be a really long post because I’m pouring myself and my twisted emotions into this. I don’t expect anyone to read this fully. Or even at all. I’m not writing this expecting I’ll get help on here. I’m doing it for myself because maybe if I put my thoughts in words it will help me in getting through this confusion, even though I detest writing.

I am a 20 year old female. Right now I’m living in the city away from home. Right now I don’t have a job and should be looking for one. At least I made resumes. Anyway.. I’m broke and living in an expensive apartment and have a huge credit card debt. I moved to the city because I started university this fall. That did not work out. I dropped out at the beginning of this month.

So. Yeah. Basically I’m a huge loser.

Ever since I’ve started living here I’ve been so lazy and unmotivated, and living in a state of complete and utter indulgence and very much into myself.

I do not have any close friends.. well I have a couple but I don’t see them very much at all anymore. But I have three key people in my life: my mother, my sister and my boyfriend who is 18.

For a long time now I’ve been feeling so hopeless. I feel like my heart is always so heavy. And saying that I hate myself is a gross understatement. I hurt or annoy the people in my life constantly and in many different ways. And this is even when I’m feeling fine and happy. It’s like.. when I’m happy.. I’m annoying. When I’m depressed..  I’m hurtful and suffocating.

But.. yeah due to my current situation I’m feeling even lower than usual. And my family, my boyfriend, and even a couple of my friends are aware of this. My mother is trying to get me into counselling which yes, I really could use. Or she throws religion in my face and says that I need Jesus in my life. Maybe that’s true. But how can I have Jesus in my life when I belong in the pit of hell? If any of it even exists?

And of course she’ll remind me of the things I already know I need to be doing: eating healthier, exercising, getting more sleep, looking for a job, etc.

If only it were that easy.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, doesn’t know what to do. I think it’s hard for him seeing me this way. When we first started dating a year ago I was full of happiness, hope, and love. I was living at home and finishing my high school, applying for university and working at a part time job, which is where I met him actually. And now…. it’s all the complete opposite.

I’m so ashamed at myself for being in this state and for dropping out of university. I’m hating myself so much. I have such little self-esteem.. if any at all. which brings me to my next point. Which brings me to my next issue.. which is actually maybe the reason I’m even wanting help in the first place…

…I love my boyfriend.

Maybe too much? Maybe too little? Maybe I’m obsessed?

All I know for sure is that I’m not the woman he originally fell in love with. Or what scares me even more.. what if this is my true self? At any rate, my crippling self esteem is detrimental in this relationship. I fear he’s going to fall out of love.. or that he’s already starting to fall out of love. And he has every reason to. I’ve been horrible.

My boyfriend..  he is a quiet, reserved guy. He’s so quiet that it’s actually unsettling for some people. When I first started working with him I didn’t know what to think of him. After working with him for a long time though I started getting to know him. He’s actually the sweetest, most gentle and funny guy I’ve ever met. And I’m so in love with him.

And I’ve become obsessed.

I want to know everything about him. His past.. his thoughts… everything. So lately.. or maybe I’ve been doing this for awhile now… it’s borderline abusive.. I’ve been invading his privacy and life and everything. I don’t know how to explain it.

His past of smoking weed, his sex buddy.. and his online relationship before he met me are all things that offend me, yet intrigue me. I can’t get over his past and it’s so stupid because it has nothing to do with me.

And also events in the now offend me to.. like if he watches porn or looks at other women sexually send me off the deep end. I’ll make a point of saying that these events hardly ever.. ever happen. Yet I get so hung up on the “what if”. What if he watched porn when were apart? What if he checks out other women? These irrational thoughts consume my being. Along with his past.

It starts out with innocent enough questions: “what was her name?” “How old was she?” To a little weirder: “what did she look like?” “Was she pretty?” To extreme, sick questions like: “what did having sex with her feel like” “did you cum a lot?” “Do you still masturbate to her?” “What position were you in” etc.

This is just one example out of many. One example of the kind of obsessiveness. The obsession isn’t limited to ex girlfriends. It’s everything. And it’s sickening. It’s demented. It also isn’t limited to me asking invasive questions. I look at his phone.. and any accounts of anything he has online. I’ve even started playing an online game that he used to play a lot so I can know more about him.

He is aware of all these things. I constantly apologize for it and open up and admit I have these problems. He is always so kind and forgiving towards me. And then I stop for awhile because I know it’s wrong. I try to stop for awhile but then I give in to my obsessive nature and the cycle repeats itself.  His patience is beginning to thin. Last night, for example, I tried installing Line on his phone (a free text messaging app) so I could find something interesting about him again and he expressed to me that he was annoyed. And at that moment my cat scratched him too and he said “tame your cat already”.

So after he said that I quickly stopped what I was doing.. only to continue after he went to sleep! I’m so angry at myself for getting him annoyed. I’m pushing away someone who cares about me so much. Yet I can’t stop.

And then this got me thinking: I’m always doing this to those around me. I’m always crossing boundaries and am an annoyance to those around me. I do no good but only harm for the world. I don’t know how to be a kind and loving person. I am selfish and a horrible person.

I’ve realized it for awhile.. that I’m nothing good to the world. Everyone would be so much happier without me. I’m so abusive and sick and perverted and belong in hell…if such a place exists.

So this is what brought me to suicide project. I live in a high-rise apartment, 26 floors up. Everyday I think about jumping off my balcony. I don’t really want to. I want to get a job.. have a life.. and be in a normal,  happy relationship free of obsession and abuse. I want to make others happy. I want to be a positive influence on people.

But I am so annoying and there is no way I can be good for people. I am bad for this world.

So I’m caught between wanting to die and wanting to get better.

How can I get better? How can I not be a horrible person?

If I can’t figure these things out… if I can’t stop being a horrible person then I’m not too sure what I’ll do.