I am MAD!!!

I am mad! Mad at my depression that interrupted my life, caused heartache and hurts. Separated me from my family for my emotional safety. I am mad at the counseling I had that went no where because I didn’t understand my emotional state of mind, 20 years later!

Over the years I had counseling, but they said counseling wasn’t about dredging up your past, it’s about moving forward! But if the unresolved thoughts and feelings aren’t examined, it IS what I needed/need.

I tell you I am also mad about how many people are affected this way- family of origin does harm and leaves the child to heal him/herself.

I am also angry at myself for the relationships that were affected due to misunderstandings of myself and of them. Angry I hurt people, in part due to how I reacted in my depression. Yes, I am angry at my depression about this but more so, myself. 🙁 I am angry at my self-hatred.

I am angry how long I have blamed myself, thinking I deserved what I got. I am angry at all that has pasted me by while I was fighting my depression all of the time!!

I am not totally angry at the parents. Oh, yes, I feel anger towards them too. But they often (and I might dare say always) acting from childhood or other damage done to them. I am finally old enough to see this is true.

Is it too late -as I have lead myself to believe?

I think I can still get out there and do what I might of done if I had not been affected. And whatever I do will be better and bigger than if I hadn’t had to deal with depression.

Now that I admit the truth. We, who have faced parental negelect, child abuse and Sexual abuse are left with scars from injures that others may not be able to see.

Sometimes we get lucky and someone gets it. Someone helps a person, allows the healing to start and continue.

For those of us that haven’t had that available… be that person today. Look at yourself through the eyes of a friend and advise YOU of loving ways.

Blessings to all who read this. If you are still beating yourself up, causing yourself harm, be kind instead. I know how hard that is. But hurting you isn’t right. It’s adding to your pain- its a way you’ve coped with your pain. I understand, I’ve been there… last night. 🙁 But I am still trying. And I am seeking help wherever I can. Please Seek help wherever you can too. Never give up.

Take great care of YOU. 🙂

P.S… do you know how lonely it makes me to have no one to share this today? Ah, well. I told YOU. 🙂