I’m a college senior one semester away from graduating. Logically, I know that I have my whole future ahead of me. But I can hardly bring myself to care. I don’t even see a point anymore. I’ll graduate, work at a job I hate, and spend my money repaying my student loans. If I even graduate.
With work and school, and my own social anxiety, I never talk to my friends anymore. The only family I have are my parents. And, to be honest, they’re the only thing keeping me here. If I didn’t know how devastated they would be if I killed myself, I would have already done it. When I try to explain my feelings, I’m not even acknowledged, I’m just told it will get better and look on the bright side of things.
To make matters worse, I’m a psychology major. I know exactly what to say to convince people I’m not depressed when I really feel like I’m dying on the inside. I just end up stuffing all these feelings back into my metaphorical box and shutting it until it spills over again.
Nothing makes me happy anymore. I swing between either not feeling anything or crying nonstop. I can’t sleep. Just talking to people leaves me exhausted and drained.
I don’t know what to do anymore. And I don’t know that I can bring myself to care either.
4 comments
I’m sorry you feel that way, but perhaps you need a seperate viewpoint. Not graduating wouldn’t be the end of the world, I feel you have a good enough head on your shoulders that a good employee might look past it and hire you into a job you love. From there, I feel you could conquer your social anxiety by traveling the world, you’ll find you’re a different person when you’re out of familiar settings. I’m sure there’s someplace you’ve always wanted to see, New York? California? Or maybe you’d rather walk around the bustling streets of Hong Kong, amused by all the things you have yet to understand. Your future has yet to be decided. Defy everyone’s expectations
Same here, college senior, stopped talking to friends, have a job, but know I’m going to hate it, go between not feeling anything and crying nonstop, people think I’m fine/happy, but I’m exhausted, tired of life, and knowing what it would do to my parents is the only thing stopping me from killing myself.
I’m not a psych student, but I think we’re pretty similar. I dropped out of school (law) with the knowledge that if I didn’t I’d just file paperwork and pay off loans for the rest of my life. You must’ve read Nietzsche- did you connect at all to that emptiness? Beyond Good and Evil was a favorite of mine… don’t drop out. Who cares if you pay off loans for the rest of your life, it’s just money. You might meet someone amazing during your last semester of school, or at a job that actually requires a degree- money is nothing. All you have to do is go to work and you get money, it’s common, and guaranteed. You can’t ever find a guaranteed supply of amazing people or experiences.
If you were just starting your studies or even at half i’d think about dropping out/switching… but at this point, if you are just one semester away from graduating, why not using it at your advance? psychology does give you flexibility regarding working hours (at least that i know of), so you could study something else that you really like afterwards (if you like something else). Or maybe you’ll end up liking it when you’re working… you never know. I hate my career and already consider it a useless expense/waste of life, but at some point (when i was studying it) i thought that i’d love it, so the contrary might happen to you.