Ive had suicidal thoughts since as long as i can remember

I’m 18 and for as long as I can remember I’ve been suicidal, I would run in front of cars when I was 4 because I’d heard of people getting killed by it. My parents got calls from my elementary school because I would say I wanted to more or less die. My parents just told me to not say it anymore. By the second grade I had multiple plans to kill myself. In the 3rd grade I told one of my peers about my thoughts and he encouraged me to act upon them. I had my first suicide attempt when I was ten. My second when I was 12. My third when I was 13. I was sent to the hospital for that one and was put in a boys and girls home for a week. After that I was sent to therapy every week, diagnosed with depression,  adhd,  anxiety. I was given an antidepressant that made my suicidal thoughts worse, I didn’t tell anyone about it because I didn’t want to go back to that place. I remember the first time I told my mom about my obsessive suicidal thoughts and she threatened to beat the shit out of me. I didn’t have another suicide attempt until I was 15. I began to abuse my vyvanse prescription at this time. When I was 16 I had discovered the wonders of self medication. From 16-18 I was on probation, lost my virginity,  had my first serious relationship, first job, first car. It was the best worst time of my life. I haven’t attempted to kill myself for a little more than 3 years. Im still really depressed all the time but I feel like in learning to live with it. I’ve been living on my own for a few months now and for the first time in my life I see myself growing old and having purpose.