Sad eyes

If only I was well, I can leave it all behind.

I am not, I’ve been robbed of my life.

My project gives me anxiety, it overwhelms me. Talked to more people, getting more people involved. They don’t know I am suicidal and very depressed. They don’t know that I need to give up. They don’t know that I will fall apart any moment. The truth is, I don’t think I will make it to finish what I started.

I don’t want to die, but I can’t live a life without a future. It pains me so very much that I have to give up my life. 

I am ill and have been for a long time.

I am getting sicker and sicker each day.

I will never feel right again because of that piece of shit.

I will never be close to anyone again.

I feel very disconnected.

I carry a heaviness in my heart. There is a heaviness in my being that I am unable to shake.

I have so much hatred toward him- I want him to die. He robbed me of the last few healthy years of my life.

I am not the same person I was and I never will be again. I cannot accept this.

I reconnected with two friends tonight. I have known both for a very long time.

My friend T, who I had an argument with this summer. It was nice to speak with him.

The people who loved you will always love you. 

And,

my friend J, who was my best friend. He was kinda the light of my life. We’ve been there for each other. We’ve gotten through heartbreaks together. He knows everything about me, every dark secret. He cheered me up many times when I have been down. He made me laugh most of all. We lost touch about 6 years ago, when he got a girlfriend who didn’t allow him to have female friends. I emailed him tonight concerning something of his I want to use in my project. A song. He emailed me back straight away- I was shocked. Maybe he feels like he can benefit from it, and I’m sure that’s why. Communicating with him made me nostalgic, nonetheless. We haven’t spoken in many years. I had wished he was there this last time when I fell apart; he would’ve made a difference. He threw in our old jokes, some jokes we shared that I had forgotten. It was nice remembering. We will bound to catch up the last few years of our lives sometime soon. He isn’t in my life anymore, but I wish that he was. I’ve missed him.

Each day is the same. Things and people change all around me, but nothing changes for me. I can’t change the impossible.

Each day I feel the need to blow my brains out.