(Warning, this is sorta long and it may trigger things for some people. Bex, isn’t a real person. Bex is just something I used to make this easier to write. Whether or not you read this is up to you, I just felt it time to put it out there.)
Why do we blame ourselves for the shit that happens, when it’s we who are the victims?
Why do we try to act like nothing has happened, when the events are life changing?
Why do we hide beneath our own humiliation, when it’s they who should be humiliated?
This is something I’ve been putting off posting for a long time, but I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t exactly feel comfortable with it, but I know I’ll feel better once I’ve done it… even if only slightly.
If you understand this, Bex, I’m sorry for you. No one should have to understand this.
In a few months, it’ll have been three years. Since what? You may ask? Well… Since I lost it, and by it, I don’t mean my mind, or my sanity or any of that crap I’ve already told you about, I mean my virginity.
Yes, dear Bexxy, you read that right. My virginity. But don’t worry, this isn’t going to be one of those disgusting stories that you asked me not to talk about… This is one of those disgusting stories that I hoped you’d never ask about.
Three years… I was thirteen at the time, Bex. That’s too young to be able to even understand what exactly was happening to me. This isn’t a romantic story. This isn’t a love story, either. This is a story about how a child’s innocence was stolen. I’ve gotta warn you, Bex… It took some guts for me to start this letter, but now that I have, I’m not sure you’ll want to read on. This is your chance. I’m giving you the option to escape this situation, because I know what it’s like to feel trapped. I don’t mind if you don’t finish reading, Bex. But I need to finish writing.
It was the Summer of First Year in school… back when I was friends with the wrong sorts of people and back when I didn’t know any better. My friend invited me to her sister’s 18th. My mother didn’t want me to go, but of course I went anyway. There was drink there. And drugs. And everyone was so much older than me.
My friend gave me beer and asked me to do vodka shots. She handed me a joint and told me to try it. I’m not going to say she forced me to do any of this, because she didn’t. She suggested it and I was foolish enough to think it was a good idea.
A few hours later and a group of us were playing Truth or Dare on the trampoline. They started off innocent enough, but people were drinking and almost everyone on the trampoline were between the ages of 18 and 21. So… they got weird. Fast. But funnily enough, Bex, this isn’t where everything turned to shit. Sure it’s where I made out with a girl for the first time, but that’s nothing compared to what’s next. Nothing to this point had crossed the line, sure it had danced on it, but my innocence was still intact.
The game disbanded after a while, and everyone went back into the house or the tents. My friend was going to screw her boyfriend, so I decided to just chill on the trampoline for a while and watch the stars. I never realised He hadn’t left… Not until he cleared his throat and slurred my name wrong.
He asked me to go for a walk with him, and in my mind that was perfectly normal. He led me back behind an old shed and then asked me if I’d make out with him. Again.. normal in my mind. I was excited that an older guy was interested in me. It hadn’t clicked yet that what was happening was wrong.
It was only when he started to put his hands places they weren’t supposed to be, Bex. It was only then that I realised the reality of the situation… The only issue, I was too fucked up on drugs and alcohol to get my point across fully.
I mean, sure I pushed him away and told him “No.”, but he was persistent, slightly more sober, and definitely stronger.
Each time I tried to push him away, he’d push me harder against the wall. Each time I said no, he’d whisper “Shh, it’s okay. You just can’t tell anyone because I’m 20, okay?”
He started with me against the wall, Bex… Doing things I didn’t even know the names of at the time. Touching me in places I hadn’t even touched myself. I was too innocent, Bex… I’d only ever kissed someone before.
Eventually, I’m not sure how, he got me on the ground, pinned in a position I couldn’t move from. The only thing I can remember from then on is the pain. Pain. Pain. More pain. And.. then he left me there. Went back to the party. That asshole went back and acted like he hadn’t just raped me, Bex. Leaving me on the ground in so much pain and confusion, that I couldn’t even cry.
I didn’t stay there all night, Bex. That’s not the end of the story… Nope… Eventually I gathered enough strength to get up and make my way back to the tents. The first thing I did? Downed an entire bottle of beer? The second thing I did? Well… I drank another fucking bottle. I drank until I could hardly stand, and then I made out with some dude my friend was trying to set me up with. I’m not even sure if I was trying to forget about it, Bex… I’m not sure what I was doing. All I know is that that night a group of us were to sleep in the biggest tenth… He was included. And my friend never even asked why I was so reluctant to sleep near him.
I didn’t sleep a wink that night.
Nor have I slept without a nightmare any night since.
I’ve only told a few people this story, Bex… Some who laughed in my face and told me it was my fault, some who didn’t believe it at all…
Maybe it was my fault. Maybe if I hadn’t gotten drunk or high.. maybe if I hadn’t gone to the party… Bex, there are so many maybes… I know I was stupid. Trust me, I know… But I was too young for that to have even crossed my mind. I was to innocent to predict that… I’m not any more though, Bex. He stole that, and he wasn’t the last to steal something of mine…
Thank you for reading this, Bex.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.