Sorry in advance for any spelling errors. I’m writing this on my phone.
Hey guys! How’s it been going? It’s Lucy! It’s been a long time, hasn’t it ( Holy hell it’s been since September :O )? I wonder how many of you actually remember me 😛 So I’ve got some catching up to do.
First of all the reason why I’ve been absent from this site for so long is because I’ve been going to a therapist and she tells me to remove myself from the negative influences around me. I was a bit pissed in the beginning but it made sense. I deleted my old email address for the same reason. I’m thinking about setting up a new one so that I can still talk to you all.
I’m doing better than I’ve ever been right now. Meds and therapy are doing their jobs pretty damn well. I haven’t thought about killing myself in a few days, which is a lot better than thinking about it every day like i used to.
My dad is in prison on the charges of sexual assault of a minor, abuse, and domestic violence. I don’t know when he’s going to get out, but by that point I’ll be old enough to defend myself if he tries to do something to me. I finally got a job so that my sister isn’t the only one paying the bills. I feel really good about this because it was horrible watching her work 2 jobs just so we could afford the house.
I’m slowly getting over my fear of relationships and I have the best boyfriend that a girl could ask for. He was the only person who cared for me when my mom died… and he’s a damn good guitar player 🙂
I just happened to stumble back upon this website and decided to check in on the state of affairs. I started looking back through my old posts… fuck, man. I cannot thank every single one of you enough. You all are the reason why I’m still here today. Because when I had lost all hope in myself, you all still had some.
Shep, killswitchon, Stendarr, nias, C4, Hjerteblomst… all of you. I shit you not when I looked back through the comments on my posts I remembered every single one of you and how you impacted me. You all are beautiful, broken people. I can not thank you enough.
I’m turning 17 in a few months. I’ve grown up a lot, to say the least. It’s been years since it all happened, too many to count. I’m still broken, but damn it, I’m getting better every day. I hope this can will you all on to keep living. If you would’ve told me a year ago that I’d come back from literally not being loved at all, I’d have called you a fucking liar. It gets better, guys. Everything’s not bullshit after all 🙂
Happy valentine’s day to all of you beautiful people. If you ever feel like you’re not loved then you clearly don’t know how I feel 🙂
Music quote of the day (yes that’s a thing I used to do): “Fool enough to almost be it, and cool enough to not quite see it, and old enough to always feel this. Always old, I’ll always feel this. No more promise no more sorrow, no longer will I follow. Can anybody hear me? I just want to be ME! When I can, I will. Try to understand, that when I can, I will… ” – Mayonaise, The Smashing Pumpkins
9 comments
I’m glad you are doing better and found some happiness. 🙂
Thank you very much 🙂
could i please have your new email your life sounds very chaotic you should do youtube!:)
i know its late but your story is beautiful and inspiring you are amazing bye!
Yes, seasofblue, I remember. You seem, well are so much stronger now, with your job, boyfriend and help from your sister you have good prospects ahead of you. You show that life can change for the better, I wish you the very best.
Thank you so much nias 🙂 I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
“Thanks for the memories, Mantas.
You taught me how to love.
You taught me how to live.
You taught me the meaning of insanity.
While still allowing me to be rational.
You showed me what it’s like to have hope.
And then to have it all taken away.
And you showed me what it’s like to win.
But then to lose it all again.
I’m sorry.
I probably should get going. I don’t want to keep “God” waiting. If there even is one.
If you’re gone too, then hopefully I’ll see you again. On the other side.
I love you.
Goodbye.
Today’s forecast: 9mm with 100% chance of death.”
So, i’m guessing all that was a lie?
Well, what can you expect from a random person on the internet…
Fuckin beautiful..
I do not wish to talk to you. I do not believe it is in my best interests to do so.
You have no idea how close I was to killing myself when that shit went down. For no fucking reason.
What’d I ever do to you, huh? The moral I got from our conversations is that you know how to break my heart. And I don’t feel like going through that again.
I am in a much better place in my life right now.
So when I held that gun to the side of my head that day, when I wrote you that email, and I was about a millimeter from pulling the trigger far enough to set off the one bullet in that gun, I thought about my life. And I thought about how fucked it all is. And somehow I stopped myself. Don’t know why, don’t know how.
Am I glad I didn’t pull the trigger all the way? No. I wish I did. But I’m starting to get over it all.
And I do not need you to get me through it.
Live a beautiful life Lucy, hope all goes well