As a teen…I never did drugs, slept around or smoke on corners. I never got bad grades, lied to my parents or did anything to make my parents feel ashamed of me …yet I was disowned by my alcoholic father.
Entering my 20’s I was still dating my 1st bf I had met after finishing school… I never cheated , I never dressed inappropriately or did anything to make him insecure or over- possesive…yet the relationship became abusive…mentally, emotionally… and near the end physically.
When I fell pregnant at 21, I freaked out. It hit me that I did not want to spend the rest of my life in turmoil with someone who didnt truly make me happy…but before I considered myself, I thought of my unborn child. What life would it have under a father like that? Even if by some stroke of luck I managed to erase him from our lives…would my child bleed the same tears I bled growing up? Having a absent father who would never truly change for the sake of a child’s happiness?
I had an abortion.I never really forgave myself after that.
I left my ex. Suffered a year of bone shattering depression , which seemed to have changed me forever. I lost weight without even knowing it. I cut off my friends. I just wanted to die but I was too coward to take my own life. I lost myself – mind, body & soul in abyss of pure misery and desolation. Only 4 people in my life knew and none of them could help…because I couldn’t connect to them and they couldn’t connect to me…they couldn’t understand what I was going through. In my understanding its like trying to describe a new color to someone who has never seen it before and I knew with certainty they could not see my shade of black and grey.
Eventually I met someone who had experienced given up their child and the blanket of darkness lifted slowly and finally I could breathe again. I regrouped. And although It still felt like I had cut out a piece of my soul. I picked myself up and moved on thinking things couldn’t get any worse.
At around 24 I suffered and endured ( by Gods will & sheer fuckn luck?) a year or more of rape and sexual abuse . A family “friend” spent years niggling his way into our lives trying to draw us into his sick, twisted cult. We didn’t see it coming. How could we? It was brainwashing at its finest. Eventually after months of emotional break downs…and out of fear of myself and my family. I caved. He finally got me to do it. Swept away in a thunderous landslide of fear, self-hate , self disgust and emptiness. I found myself shaming my body, going against my will, most times not even knowing what to feel. I was beyond disgusted with myself..this was not me. This isn’t the strong, confident young woman I knew myself to be. Where had I disappeared to?? Why did I deserve this?? How could I make it stop?? I was terrified.
Finally I managed to get him out our house. The veil was lifted from all of our eyes. I didn’t tell my family. I didn’t tell anyone. Till now. I couldn’t stand the sadness I knew it would bring them, I was scared that my mother would probably have a stroke or worse to know what was happening. Besides that I couldn’t stand the pity , the shame , the embarrassment and all the other things that comes with having your faith, happiness and free will stripped.
I felt that I should have been stronger. I still feel I should have controlled it somehow. I cant seem to forgive myself, even though I know It isn’t my fault …I still feel that I should have used my brain…
While picking myself up after losing the baby…I met someone new. He made all my hurts go away. Chased all the rain clouds away, and reminded me that there is always a rainbow after a storm. We dated on and off for 2years … but somehow the above forementioned “family friend” managed to chase him away ( his plan of course had been to cut off all those close to me that could give me strength).
After the sexual abuse ended , we “found “ each other again but things were still flawed. I never told him what had happened because I felt he wouldn’t understand…how could anyone when I myself did not understand my actions.
Our nearly 5years of dating was pure bliss….and unfortunately pure misery.
He was Muslim and I was Christian . I endured it , because I loved him . I thought that he was Gods gift to me for persevering and that finally I had found my peace. I was convinced that if I waited long enough eventually things would fall into place.
It never did.
Each time I broke it off because he couldn’t commit properly or promise that we would have a future together…and each time he would come back saying all the things I wanted so desperately to hear from him. I crumbled and melted under the spell of those words…I so desperately wanted my dreams to come true. I tried dating other people. I tried moving on but no one else seems to make me happy. Each guy I am with leaves me feeling empty. Even the sex makes me feel nauseas ( at first I thought this was solely due to the rape and sexual abuse, but it never felt that way when I was with him)
I know he truly loves me in his own way , the signs are there in more than one ways and I cannot deny it… he isn’t a bad person really he does have a good heart. Sometimes I feel I am making excuses but in another way I know Im not.
His problem is that his immaturity/ cowardess/fear of stepping out of the bubble that he has been living in for so long, out weighs his love for me and his desire to have a future with me. He knows deep down he is not strong enough to take on the issues of us being together as one…but he selfishly refuses to let me go and let me move on with my life because he loves me in his own way…
So I find myself desperately in love with someone that will never love me back the way I truly deserve and need to be loved. All I really want is him. The Good. The Bad .The Ugly.
There are more things that happened in between all of these incidents. I have never fully healed after each of them happened. I feel as if each has left a scar on my soul. I still have flashbacks of the rape ( both when I am awake and when im asleep). I have violent and vivid dreams at night. Sometimes im killing the creature that raped me , standing over his body drenched in blood…othertimes I dream of sitting on a wall in front of my aunts house crying , my body riddled with scars…old and new.
A couple of days ago I found myself in the same loop with the boy-man I seem to be desperately in love with. We broke up. Although a part of me is broken…for the first time I just feel numb…dead.
I keep asking myself
WHY???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY?? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY??? Am I going through this???? I don’t come from a dysfunctional home. We live in a good area. Besides the ugly parts I had a fairly good upbringing. Im down to earth. I have good morals and manners. I can proudly say I am a lady. People constantly tell me I am a beautiful person both on the inside and on the outside….but WHY WHY WHY WHY must I go through this??? What have I done??? Have I not suffered enough???
WILL THIS NEVER END?????
IS THIS THE REST OF MY LIFE??
WILL I NEVER FIND PEACE OF MIND????
IF THIS IS MY 1ST 20 YEARS …WHAT DOES THE REST OF MY LIFE HOLD FOR ME ????
………………..my worst fear is that one day something will finally push me over the edge and I will shatter into a million pieces, and no one …not myself…not God ..will ever be able to put me back together again.
2 comments
You’ve been through a lot. Sorry to hear about the break up. Maybe this is your chance to move on though? You said he had selfishly been refusing to let go. So even though it hurts, perhaps try to see it as a good step forward? My best friend was Muslim, I am atheist, and it was an amazing friendship until we both started having deeper feelings. His religion wasn’t accepting and our friendship not strong enough to work through it.
Anyway, I digress. Point is you aren’t alone. You can always vent here and often find people with similar stories to your own. Helps most to realize they are not totally on their own.
I’m sorry you’ve had to endure so much. There’s nothing i could say regarding everything you had to endure other that i hope you catch a break, you really deserve one.
Maybe you shouldn’t blame yourself so much tho… even if now you can see that you should have been smarter in some things, that is the present you talking, the past you was younger and did the best she could at the moment (from what you describe that’s what i gather at least). I thank you because i had forgotten about that fact and reading your post reminded it to me (and i kinda needed it).
In that sense something similar might happen with the boy-man you have been with. I cannot speak for all (we are all different) but sometimes men are a really stubborn kind, i can relate to the not being able to compromise or get out of the bubble thing you mention because i made the same mistake and that led me to lose someone i really love (it was not the only reason but it was the main thing that i should have avoided)… if you really love him maybe by shaking up things for a longer period of time (like giving a real ultimatum and sticking to it) he might get his act together? i’m pretty sure in my case i ended up seeing what i was losing and was willing to change but it was too late already. If i was able to see what i was losing and was willing to compromise (my levels of boy-man are borderline ridiculous, i can’t imagine anyone worse, lol), surely he can “wake up” too. If not… yeah, moving on is always a choice.
Sorry for the long post, noticed how long it was when i finished writing, in any case, best of luck.